Re: thinking of remembering of child sexua| abuse

Quite frankly, it's not unusual for anyone to experience a detachment at that age.  Someone may have shown an overabundance of kindness or cruelty - a teacher may have said, "Trees are not purple, so don't ever even entertain the notion that you're going to be an artist," or a neighbor could have said, "If you don't calm down, you'll never amount to anything good."  In that instant, some female who was much older may have put their arm around you and demonstrated unconditional love and support, and that could have triggered a lifelong view of women, sexuality, and what should be considered "desirable" from that moment on.  Having said that, who knows?  I'm not qualified to render an assessment or explanation for your current issues, especially, online.  There could also be a completely sinister reason for your current issues.  Either way, I am not in a position to render the assistance that you're demanding.

You're not going to come out and tell someone that you've been sexually abused unless you know that you were?  I'm going to state a clear fact about counseling and good, strong therapy:  you will never "know" the truth unless you get over this incessant need for confirmation or refute, whether you're involved in counseling, or not.  Some people never "know" the facts of their childhood, and it's okay because they choose to work with what they have available in the here-and-now.  Some things are better left in the basement, so to speak, and bringing those things out into the light of day can produce catastrophic results, sometimes.

My first suggestion to you is to take a break from the weed.  I know this from personal experience.  Smoking weed on a regular basis (NOT in the sense of a spiritual ritual or occasional indulgence) can seriously cloud reality.   After reading and re-reading your post, I'm going to hazard a guess that you're smoking on a regular basis and not as an occasional indulgence or a spiritual ritual.  If I'm incorrect, then I apologize for my assumption. 

My second suggestion to you is to put your education as a priority.  With education comes knowledge.  With knowledge comes power. 

My third suggestion to you is to involve yourself in counseling/therapy if these issues have become too complicated for you to manage on your own.  There is absolutely NO shame or stigma to saying, "You know, this has gotten out of hand, and I need to find the tools to help me manage my Self."  This all boils down to you taking responsibility for your Self.  I could type here, all day, and give you various scenarios for why you're experiencing these issues and, sad to say, not one of them could be even near the mark.  One post, one reply, and one rebuttal does not promote personal growth and/or healing, under any circumstances.

Best wishes to you.