Binge free day 3 and 4, day 5 slipping up(edit)

Today I slipped up after eating fruit and for some reason started to get panicked and wanted to eat more. So far today I've had around 700 calories going over the intended limit. Yesterday and the day before I stayed within it, albeit on foods I would normally not eat - but wanted to see if they would cause a trigger reaction and they didn't, yet fruit did today- I started to feel so sad and panicked after eating it. Not because I have any beliefs about fruit, but as a thoughtless physical reaction and got very bloated whereas tasting pieces of chocolate had a satiating, non-bloating and non-triggering (it didn't make me want to eat more) effect despite any beliefs about it.

Day 3 I did a lot of calisthenics, jumping rope and aerobics and day 4 I walked around outside and did more calisthenics. The less I eat the more I want to exercise. I had so much energy yesterday I would leap with happiness and run around at the impulse of an idea. The modified master cleanse didn't happen for social reasons, but even that seems like it might have a triggering effect, so I wonder if I could aim at letting go of sugars altogether with the awareness that my rebellious personality will take some time to adjust to this and probably slip up just to keep a balance between fierce discipline and wild novelty.

Anyway, since I slipped up today, tomorrow, I'll start again. Mistakes like this keep happening, but also clarifying what works and what doesn't (in the most personal sense) despite any assumptions to the contrary. Health feels like a matter of tying together aspects of relating to others, psychology, grounding (as in both feet on the ground), a sense of purpose, and spirit(humor-love), among many things and I tend to focus too much on the food part of it sometimes, so I'll have to work on that.

Cravings and intuition compete like right and left hands for dominance. Cravings beckon, intuition dreams and it feels hard to tell them apart sometimes. Knowing and doing, rational and emotional, stability and risk. . .opposites that do not cancel each other out but often seem mutually exclusive. How can I nurture myself in a way that allows me to forgive myself for craving and guides me to follow my intuition?

I fluctuate so much. I know some of my patterns. The clear cut plan to fast and eat light feels the most rewarding because it seems like everything else (things that have nothing to do with food) falls into place without any effort. Then as soon as I start to eat "healthy" food I end up in a worse place than if I didn't eat. I feel like I have to adjust this plan some more, but continue to aim for 3 months without binging. Just this simple goal feels more manageable now, even if I fail, even if I want to fail. It'll test my humility, I guess, to keep messing up. Then if I succeed, maybe I won't get overly excited because I'll have all the suffering to keep my mind in check and all that I learned from making mistakes.

It feels so out of place to write about this. I still intermittent fast in a semi-flexible way. Fasting brings up a lot of issues in probably everyone who lives in this society of plenty. For some people it seems so easy and then people like me freak out a little. It probably has a lot to do with early childhood conditioning and the rituals around food, but who knows?

I wonder if I react to things like fruit and alcohol in similar ways because of a condition in my body that would feel more manageable after fasting for a long enough period, if this reaction would change and if my compulsion would also change - where I could just taste fruit the way I can with chocolate, and not feel like I have to eat tons of it. I seem to crave fruit for the same reason that I have a seemingly allergic reaction to it. . .



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