So good to talk to you on the phone. I have no idea how to handle the emotions around food and often the tired advice so often repeated loses its' meaning after a while when it comes to addiction. I don't think thinking about it will ever solve it.
I feel like I have to go insane to come to my senses, stop sleeping and witness myself as someone else by shutting off my mind and all its cogitations. The confusion never ends.
When it does I will have happily lost my mind.
Resting while fasting, though ideal, would make me want to binge at this point. It would give me too much time to think and leave too much room to fantasize about food. So I'll exercise for hours to tame the appetite monster and take the energy away from the anxiety that hits me at times. I seemed to binge after I got a full night's sleep and then ate 'regularly' after getting the typical 8 hours for a few nights in a row. For me, with enough sleep deprivation, appetite vanishes, but eventually I crash and want to eat again. Eating provides an illusion of gaining energy or maybe, a relief from having too much energy.
It really helped to talk to you today. Thank you for opening up to me and motivating me to continue with this. Food often feels like a visitor from outer space ready to abduct me with its' temptations and melt away all will. I have bruised myself over the agony of letting it take over, so angry at myself for failing. How can the mind exceed biochemical functions and neurological conditioning? I have to face the terror of emptiness, and the unfamiliar symptoms that come up that I often numb out with food and learn to love the discomfort of deprivation to trick this mechanism of desire to let my body heal. I don't care how many times I have to start over until I get this. I will not let any kind of slip up cause me to give up. I've done that before. I'd rather just fail a million times before I stop trying. Even if I have to take a crooked pot-holed road to get there.