Was it rape?

Never before have I ever thought about Rape the way I'm thinking about it right now. About 4 hours ago, things changed, yet I'm still not entirely sure it was rape. Here's what happened.

My loving boyfriend of 3 years and I were out at our favorite restaurant visiting our favorite bartender. We had quite a bit to drink and were having a wonderful time. When we got home, I realized just how inebriated I was.

My bf and I, unexpectedly, started having sex, laughing at our clumsy selves along the way. I apologize for my being graphic here, but he turned me around to face away from him, and started trying to have anal sex. This is something that has always been a RARE thing for me to do, as he loves the sensation, and I don't, but consent from time to time because I love to please him. I really wasn't wanting to do it, but stayed very still so he could proceed. So, at that point, I was consenting. He even grabbed some lube out of the drawer, I checked to make sure it wasn't the warming kind. Everything I was doing was communicating I was ok with it.

After he began, I realized I REALLY wasn't up for it. It was more painful and uncomfortable than usual. I told him, "Baby...I don't think I want to do this."
He only responded by pushing in further.

I winced in pain, and didn't try to move because he was so persistent. Thought to myself, "Alright...maybe I'll try a little longer." Again..trying to please him.

Still, it hurt more than I wanted to tolerate, and I told him I didn't want this. He kept going. Kept trying to go further. I wonder if maybe I didn't resist strong enough? Didn't communicate CLEAR enough? Though...I kept saying, drunkily, "Baby...why are you doing this? WHy are you doing this to me? Baby...It hurts..."
He kept going.

Finally, I broke down in tears, sobbing into the pillow, while he groaned with pleasure. My sobs and tears only increased, until finally, I COULD NOT take it anymore. I kicked my feet and hit the sides of his legs. He retreated, actually falling to the floor in silence, as I sobbed face down in the pillow.

Once I collected myself, I looked down onto the floor and saw he was sobbing. I said, "Why are YOU crying?" He said, "It seemed....it seemed like I was raping you...I'm HORRIBLE! I heard you say no."

Like the codependent person I can sometimes be, I CONSOLED HIM! I can't believe I was the one with my arms around HIM...telling him it was just a "Stupid Drunk Moment." I told him I know he loves me and would NEVER in his right mind do anything, knowing it would hurt me. Pathetic?

We do have a loving, trusting relationship. One built on a great friendship, and have had NO problems in this area until tonight. Was it rape? Or was it lack of communication?

Thanks in advance. Tweet