Re: Gentle Guidance Requested

Our emotions are our own responsibility.

I think that's the most important lesson I took away from being in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's given me a great deal of freedom to realize that all of my emotions are my responsibility. If I feel bad, I have to do what I need to to make myself feel better. No one can do it for me; No one can save me or protect me or make the bad feelings go away.

After having realized this, I also realized that I had the _ability_ to heal bad feelings in myself. And that accessing this ability was not only quicker and more efficient then bothering with asking/manipulating/abusing other people to get them to deal with my bad feelings(or making them my emotional trash can) but also _worked_. And it worked better and quicker each time I practiced it.

You can't save your boyfriend. And the other question is... do you want him to be saved? Imagine him healthy--is that what you want? Truthfully? People get addicted to their identity as the 'sane, rational one' or the 'long suffering one' or the 'abuse victim.' And then they act to maintain that identity; they passively sabotage the efforts of their fellow co-dependent to achieve health. Often by being too helpful. Everyone wants to be the good guy fighting insurmountable odds.

I think, if you want to help, you have to present yourself as an example to follow of self-sufficency, self-knowledge and self-tending. Focus on yourself; you don't need to push him away to do this. Don't fight his battles for him, or even try, just focus on being an example of inner strength and strong boundaries. Tell him exactly how his behavior makes you feel, but try not to succumb to those feelings. Cultivate your inner parent(or higher self)--the one that gives you a hug whenever you need it and tells you that you're a great person, no matter what. If you meditate, try to get in contact with them--I think they tend to look like our personal conceptions of a god/goddess or even animiating spirit(which might have no form at all, just be a saturating wave of love). They'll help you ease away all the bad feelings he inspires.

I agree his physical health is probably 2/3 of why he's behaving so badly. I realized a while back, in a moment of relaxed joy, that we were all meant to be living, continually, in a feeling of joyous abiding. A state that makes abusive behavior impossible, simply because there is no need for it. Abusive behavior is a coping mechanism for an organism overwhelmed by pain. For us, the pain is often our physical toxic load. Because of that, you can imagine that he is a wounded animal snapping at you; it's nothing personal.

In this specific case you'll be compelled to force natural remedies on him and such, but he has to choose these things himself. You can give him a push and help him out, but the choice to take them has to be his. (This is really, really painful, divorcing yourself from your loved-one's health like this. I know.) If I can make a suggestion, coffee enemas can provide the sense of well-being he's probably trying to emulate with drinking. As can adrenal supplementation. (Although you should research how to do these things right.)

You need to accept that he might die. You can't let this possible future shatter you or your strength. He needs you to accept the possibility that he might kill himself while still telling him how much the thought of it hurts you(as bizarre as this might sound.) He needs this because he needs to see someone who is strong within herself so he can learn to emulate that strength. Who _doesn't_ jump at his every threat and tantrum, but remains relaxed, calm and steady while telling him exactly how she feels without anger, blame or resentment. Essentially he needs a parent(so you need to channel that higher-self/inner-parent mentioned before) because he probably hasn't had one in his life that wasn't self-serving and abusive. This is really difficult to do with an adult who has adult powers so you're setting yourself up with a very hard task. (Not to dissuade you, just to tell you it's going to be a long, hard haul.)

Finally, this is a great opportunity for you, if you choose to keep with him. It's an opportunity to learn how to become the captain of your own ship and to steer it through the storm; great practice in getting what you need from yourself. There is a potential for destruction, but also potential for growth. Just remember to take time for yourself and honor your failures and your painful feelings(ask your higher self for a hug); they're all steps towards success. Also remind yourself of his good qualities!