Most MONKS (having a CHARACTER of godlike behavior) would have a gentle and peaceful lifestyle as a mark of true piety, but all are dogmatic, ritualistic, and partisan (this is why they are MONKS, this is why they are in a "religion"), yet when they felt a spiritual void in their heart like you LarryB, they saw "the world" as being fit to fill that void (they were satisfied with what "the world" had to offer,...they sold THEMSELVES and God out,...sorry to say it this way, but it's true).
LarryB, you did not sell anyone out, you took the consequences and became depressed by not knowing the truth and God's true identity, even though it was presented to you hypocritically in the Catholic church. I left the R.C church when I was 12 and didn't accept Jesus until I was 32. I thought I found a church that was generic and non-partisan, but that church turned out to be very legalistic, so I was still depressed. When that church "disbanded" ("flesh" in the board), I chose to stay out of churches in order to avoid indoctrination so that I could draw closer to The Lord (He says that when we draw closer to Him, He will draw closer to us). I became a student of God's eternal spirit and learned a spirit of holyness.
"Physician, heal yourself" (Luke 4:23).
Matthew 5:3 "...for theirs is..." (the kingdom must first be found in your heart and mind).