my story 
#84608
17 y
3,351
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Original Dr. Hulda Clark
Hulda Clark Cleanses
i just wanted to tell everyone my story so if you need help i am here for you. i grew up a vegetarian and an athlete but a "pretty" girl. i was the kind of girl who was a huge tom boy but a pretty girl at the same time. i was a vegetarian since i was very young, before the sixth grade, but always had issues with food. i ate healthy obviously, especially around other people. however, if i was buy myself i always sneaked in junk food. a lil debbie snack cake here, some cookies, or whatever was around the house. if i was training for sports i very occassionally stole a lot of food. i would ever keep the wrappers around the house. i dont know what i did it but i did. and that's about the time the addiction started. anyways, even though i was a pretty girl i was never skinny. i was an athlete. i was 5'3 and 120 no fat but muscle, but all my other friends (we are at the high school level now) were always soooo skinny. i mean we were all the same age and height and played sports or cheerleaded but for some reason i was just average. i wasn't skinny. i didn't look too much into it but it still made me feel different. so i still stole my sweets throughout that time, nothing too ridiculous. i think i stole the food because i didn't want my family and friends to know that there little health nut wasn't as health conscious as i tried to be, and that would look like a failure on my part.
so i go to college. well hell, everyone was skinny where i went to college. i mean for god sakes i went to a university where there was a fashion college, and let me tell you there were gorgeous girls everywhere. i became obsessed with working out...not just playing sports anymore i began to really get into cardio and light weight lifting to stay toned...this also was intensified because i actually worked at the rec center at my college. so i was working out like two times a day because of convenience. so i slimmed up. i went from 125, i put on more muscle my senior year, to about 115 and loved it. well i still stole my sweets however. and i would still only do it privately. i never ate anything unhealthy infront of people....ever. at this point i cut out all fried food and had for pretty much most of my life. sweets were my life and everything i loved. dont get me wrong my friends and i would go get mexican sometimes but i harshly worked out afterwards. so i'm skinny and working out, and honestly meeting more guys i had ever dreamed of. they loved me. i was fun, outgoing, pretty, liked sports and exersizing, i mean everything guys love while still being a girly girl but not. then i met jason. jason was 6'7 215 pounds and nothing but muscle, gorgeous, and a basketball player. long story short we started dating and it was amazing. we were in love. well he cheated on me and we then broke up. i went through a crazy time of nothing but drinking, partying, hooking up, and doing my own thing. a couple months later i started gaining a lil bit of weight. i wasn't fat or anything but i was back to 125 and that wasn't ok because jason and i started dating again. we were honestly eating ice cream one day,which to this day i still can't believe i let happen, and i was like omg i feel disgusting. i said, "i bet if i threw up i would feel better." so i got up went to the bathroom and tried to throw up. only a little bit came up but i felt so much better.
jason and i broke up but things only got worse for me. after that is when i honestly became bulimic. i started out throwing up only healthy meals and i think that's how i became really skinny..i mean i was only eating a little bit of food but whatever i was eating i was throwing up. i was working as a bartender at the most popular busy bar in my city and evyerone was pretty and young and i was single again. it got worse. i got down to 105 and less than that. i felt amazing though...
and now i've been bulimic for over a year and a half. some times have been worse than others...some days would only be once a day, other days would be about three times....there was a period where i would order honest to god, thirty dollars of take out FOR MYSELF, a day. i am not kidding or exaggerating...sometimes more or less. i got up to spending three hundred dollars a week on food, it was so bad that the people at my favorite places, and mind you i was a bartender so late night places were my fav, like sheets and eat n park, knew me by my first name. they all thought i had roomates and friends waiting for me at home. i could go to taco bell and spend fifteen dollars, and i am still a vegetarian so use ur imagination. i would have to drink over a two liter of pop to get the food out of my stomach, and most the time i couldnt even get it all up and i still can't...
i went from throwing up little bites of food and nothing else, to just throwing up lots of food and nothing else. my throat hurts all the time. i'm always dehydrated and i am always tired. but i do all of this to myself. i can't stop. i could help each and everyone in this forum. honestly, i am one of the most health conscious people i know. i know more about calories, fat calories, diets, fasts, detoxes, and all kinds of crazy stuff...but i'm addicted.
honestly, i did do a raw food vegan diet for a couple months and i was amazed. i ate all day and didnt gain weight. and it was easy for me because as much as i have always loved sweets and stuff i have always loved fruits and veggies. why did i stop it??? i ended up moving a couple times in the last three months and was between jobs and was so stressed, and just stopped....
i am finally going to help myself again though and be strong because honestly just sitting here after what i did to myself just tonight makes me so sad, like it always does, and i just dontknow how much more my damn throat can even take this. it hurts like hell. i am doing a water fast, whichi only recommend to someone that understands what exactly it is and how it will effect and cleanse your body and to someone that will change there diet and lifestyle afterwards. i start on sunday and i can't wait. following the diet i will be on my raw food diet again. i can't wait.
if anyone needs help or is curious about anything tha ti have written please get a hold of me. learning to be clean ur body and about the food and stuff you put into it is an enlightening experience. you deserve to be happy and healthy and i honestly believe that people that are addicted to food will be very affected to learn exactly what they are doing to their bodies, just like i was. thanks for reading
- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,291
MoreThis is a reply to # 939,331the only reason i made references to how i was somewhat skinny and pretty was to show that i have this disease and it is mostly mental. i am not trying to make myself feel better or above anyone just that i have so many issues and that even people who may not seem like they have issues, can and do, and that diseases like this can affect a broad spectrum of people. also, that my superficial tendencies are a big reason and apart of my disorder. i am not proud of it but i have to face it =)
- Stomach acid is VERY corrosive to th... been there done that
17 y
3,515
This is a reply to # 939,332Maybe the stomach acid is also the MAIN reason your throat hurts. Drinking or even gargling after purging could also help your throat. Ice cream would probably be most soothing because the heat from the inflammation is very damaging.
Vegetable juices can be an enormous help in healing tissue and are extremely healthy (can even be a substitute for solid food and also require virtually NO digestion (only metabolism).
I never heard of such a healthy appetite ($300 a week for food). The fashion industry should be more responsible in how they portray glamour, but I think it is also all of the media (advertisers and telivision producers) that also need to change. Even so, it seems to be a trend today that many people today choose to be in a competion with themselves to avoid excessive amounts of calories, but since you know about calories, your problem is probably only self-discipline and (pardon the word) gluttony (personally, I like gluttony, I think it is the spice of life).
Some weightlifters have a problem called BIGOREXIA (I think it's only a problem of knowing where to draw the line).
The stomach acid might be the only problem with your throat.
The digestion of raw vegetables is a challenge for even the healthiest digestive system (easier to digest foods and foods that are TASTY would be more satisfying). It's the SATISFACTION of flavorful and tasty foods (sauces, coffee, etc.) that are important for tastebuds, saliva flow, stimulating blood circulation, etc. and make the body more comfortable (mental feeling).
- Re: Stomach acid is VERY corrosive t... bella12984
17 y
3,277
Clarkia Extra Strong
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This is a reply to # 939,368you are absolutely right...i know my throat hurts from throwing up so much. it's like an addiction. some people have issues with alcohol, some with drugs, mine happens to be with food. that is incredibly irronic because i honestly, at least sometimes or in some ways i guess, am an extremely healthy person. i love to exersize and again i loved my raw food diet for the time period i was on it, and have been a vegetarian so long. but that i starting throwing up and i just have such an issue stopping...i get a sense of control. it's disturbing but the truth. i do need self discipline and get over the whole gluttony issue your right its just a struggle i haven't quite completely conquered, but i am getting there. sometimes i wont want to and then i'll have an apple and then from there i can't stop until i'm in the bathroom. anyways, the 300 a week came from eating out once or twice a day. the only food i ate was when i yaked it out. for example if it was monday and i was hungry i would eat around five o'clock and i would order, lets say from olive garden....but i would order enough for two plus deserts. then tuesday i might order two times but from applebees and texasroadhouse, and so on....to it wasn't like i was going grocery shopping just for myself but occassionally would do the same thing with groceries just in a different way...i might buy all sweet or almost all junk food and a couple sweets and so forth...
anyways, so do you have an issues with food or disorders...you seemed very informative in your response and i am just curious...if you would rather not talk about it i completely understand...thanks for reading
- Re: Stomach acid is VERY corrosive t... bella12984
17 y
3,277
- Stomach acid is VERY corrosive to th... been there done that
17 y
3,515
- Re: my story been there done that
17 y
3,467
This is a reply to # 939,331No, I don't have an eating "disorder". I certainly have bad eating habits that I've had all my life. I might sit down and actually eat a "meal" once a month at the most NOW (big improvement, I'm not kidding). I grew up, BASICALLY, on hamburger and milk until I was 30 and rode the bike every day (my body has a healthy foundation from all that protein and exercise). In my early 30's, I became a workaholic (averaging at least a double shift). I took care of myself (ate) like I had a death wish (and no vitamins either). Actually, I was suicidally depressed for the first 51 years of my life. But I learned something about eating reasonably healthy when I was working a double shift so that you have enough energy and protein to be "comfortable" while working. A healthier way of eating is to "snack" all day. Smaller portions (even junk food and fast food, FOR ME) 10 times a day or so doesn't overload the digestive system with large meals or raise the blood Sugar levels to heights that "crash" by the time the next meal comes along (the blood Sugar levels stay at more manageable/sensible levels all throughout the day). Heavy digestion drains alot of energy from the body (after eating a well-balanced, well digestible meal, you get very tired for that reason).
I also know about "comfort zones"/habits. You are in full control of yourself. You CALL it a "disease", but you yourself don't really believe that it is a "disease", and so you also will call it a "disorder". You are even offering help to other people (a socially responsible and compassionate sentiment, God bless you). YOU HAVE A HABIT (comfort zone). Jason broke your heart twice and the first "relief" is what you're hanging on to (it's a HABIT/comfort zone).
REMEMBER?
"jason and i started dating again. we were honestly eating ice cream one day,which to this day i still can't believe i let happen, and i was like omg i feel "disgusting". i said, "i bet if i threw up i would feel better." so i got up went to the bathroom and tried to throw up. only a little bit came up but i felt so much BETTER."
The way you eat ($300 a week), you certainly don't have any trouble with self-esteem (you treat yourself very well, God bless you).
I imagine you are also fair and generous (the two defining qualities of an exceptional human being) to other people. Let's see...you are socially responsible because you are considerate of other people, and you know SORROW compassion because you know love as a SENTIMENT (but don't be sentimentAL about inaminate objects, keepsakes), NOT as a simple EMOTION (profound).
You have to come to grips with the broken heart (from how long ago?), but you can't convince me that anything is wrong with you except a HABIT (which is not really wrong, it's just an idiosyncracy).
I drum my fingers on the table, other people chew gum (it's for our nerves, comfort zone). Some people are not physically addicted to alcohol but find a healthy self-indulgence in a can of beer in order to periodically escape reality and relax (reality leaves a lot to be desired).
Coffee is a comfort zone/habit (a healthy gluttonous habit for me, I recovered from suicidal Depression a year ago and have developed a healthy arrogance,...self-recognition) and a healthy gluttony (treat myself well, couch potato?).
- Re: my story #43602
17 y
3,136
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Original Dr. Hulda Clark
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 941,941i also would like to have an input for bella---i had a sister, (notice the had!!!) that had anorexia, she struggled and was in and out of treatment center for 10 years before she died. i am very well educated on the subject of anorexia. i have witnessed what she and other "true anorexics" go through. i had an indepth look into what and how they felt about themselves and their sickness. i have to say, in regards to what you have written, you seem very proud about having this so called disease. you are almost bragging about your behaviors. and you have a very healthy self-esteem, unlike a true anorexic. you even call yourself Bella--which i am sure you know means beautiful in Italian. it appears to me you wanted to get onto this sight in hopes that you will find a person that also has the so-called disease anorexia so you can buddy up with them and share you desires to feed your "habit". you are not looking to overcome your behaviors and help other. you are self centered. this sight is for people that are truely sick and are looking for help. or for those that truely want to help those that are. i do feel sorry for you, you appear to have a need that has not been met. you fill that void with food. and that alone is not a healthy outlet. i hope you find what you are looking for, but i don't think it will be here on this forum.- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,165
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Original Dr. Hulda Clark
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 942,009i'm sorry but you obviously have a problem reading. to start off the topics of this forum is anorexia and bulmia. i never bragged about anything especially being anorexic because i had a problem with "BINGE" eating and throwing up for a little over a year. i am in no way shape or form proud of this. it was indeed a way for me to fill a void in my life and it was a way for me to control something in my life. i was simple telling my story to show that all kinds of people can deal with a battle as awfull as bulimia. you actually disgust me. what i have been going through is hell and i was hoping to show someone or anyone that this is not the answer and it does more harm than good. this type of problem does not only affect skinny, fat, pretty, ugly, secure, or insecure people but a multitude of people and for a million different reasons and i was simply describing mine. why are you even in this forum because you're sister had anorexia. you obviously have no idea how difficult it is to deal with a disorder such as these. you may have seen it through your sister but living with it is entirely different. you are a negative angry person and exacstly something that this forum does not need. oh and there is no need to be rude at all and that is exactly what you are i think you need to grow up. my dogs name is bella. she is a two year old chihuahua and i got that name from my ex boyfriend who was hispanic and used to call his mother bella or bellisima.. you truely are pathetic
i again was trying to show that different people suffer through these disorders in different way but we can get through it , and once you realize what you have and that you do have a problem and can actually talk about it is a huge huge step and should be proud of that and that from there we can move and and begin to heal
- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,165
- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,166
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Original Dr. Hulda Clark
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 941,941wow again i dont know what to say everyone in here is not getting whta i wrote or at least how i meant it to be portrayed. i know i have issues, problems, and that my eating disorder is just one part of it. when i implied i could help i was referring to the fact that i could talk to other people with there problems if they needed anyone, if they needed any help with diet plans as i actually ironically know a lot about health and other things along those lines. i didn't mean to offend anyone. god knows i know have have a lot of things to deal with and i am starting to come to terms at them, slowly, but at least i acknowledge that fact. i thought i could talk about things that i started to realize helped me come to this place in my life and instead of support i get sarcasm and rudness, especially from another member in this forum who wouldn't even but down there real name and choose to use an anonymous name. i will no longer be saying anything i guess. sorry if i offended anyone i just wanted people to know that this type of condition or "disease" if you will can be caused by many factors and many people have it not just a certain portrayed type of individual. oh, and i wrote down how much i spent a week was because that's how bad i had gotten was the main point. i would order take out soemtimes twice a day from decent restaurants because i didn't have the energy to even go grocery shopping and a ctually put stuff together. that was my low point. but again, after so long i started to learn about detoxes and raw food diets and that's when i started to put together how much of a problem i had, and no food wasn't the problem i realized but it was more or less a drug or high type feelign that i got from purging and throwing it up and the form of control i received in my life by doing so.- Re: my story magic_glitter
17 y
3,735
This is a reply to # 944,513Hi, I read your story and I was shocked at some of the replies. I can see they didn't get it. I suffer from anorexia, I'm not as bad as I was but I am still underweight. There were points at my lowest I was also a compulsive exerciser and ate 700 calories a day. Looking bad, I know I could have died at that point.
If you felt healthiest on a raw diet, I suggest you go back on it! It not 100% raw, then what you can do. I maintain eating the majority of my diet raw also. Anorexia really messed up my digestion - bulimia will eventually mess up your too, as the body gets accustomed to throwing up food. When you decide to recover mentally, your body won't be able to grasp the changes and will still want to throw up and you'll likely get acid reflux. That's why you have to change your mind now, and stop purging, before you get worse.
I can tell by reading your messages you're a kind person and deserve better than this!! Have you looked into councelling? Eating disorders don't just "appear"... they are a reaction. Figure out and fix the cause, and you can stop the chain reaction.
Also remember that fast food is INTENTIONALLY addictive. The contain chemicals that make you crave it. That could be a part in your addiction. Maybe educating yourself on the dangers of fast food, and cooking/preparing your own meals will help you get used to properly nourishing yourself and your body. Spending $300 a week on fast food ISN'T healthy or nourishing yourself as some other posters have suggested... sheesh lol. You might try just cutting junk food out of your diet altogether and only shopping at places like Whole Foods, ect. for groceries. Just don't go to those fast food places. I know it helped me learning about the HEALING properities of foods and fruit/veggies juices - because when you don't eat them or throw them up, you're not getting those healing properities and are depriving your body of health.
Good luck :)- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,226
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Original Dr. Hulda Clark
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 944,735thank you so much for responding i really appreciate it. i have looked into counseling, but this forum has been pretty much the only thing i've been able to do yet. thank you also for telling me a little bit about your problem also. i'm crazy about calories, fat calories, grams of fat, all kinds of stuff like that. i recently just moved in with my sister in a totally different city and i've been asking around for a whole foods stores like the one i used to go to, and luckily i finally found one which is very very encouraging. oh, and there is a trader joes too and i like a lot of the stuff they carry also, oh and i highly recommend the creamed honey if you like sweets, its 100% raw, but it's kinda hard and no fat just 60 calories per serving and it takes away the sweet cravings i get those a lot. some people wont eat it because its an animal by-product but i enjoy it.
lol anyways, i could totally tell i was addicted to all that food. not just fast food, but applebees, olive garden, all kinds of places and i just ordered so much i mean from apps to deserts. i'm not saying it was all them i had my own issues and reasonings for ordering that much. it was weird because when i started out throwing up my food it was small portions just more times throughout the day, then it became only once or twice but huge portions. it didn't matter to me because i was "in control" or at least i felt like it. oh, and i do not eat anything that is processed, contain any sugars, or even breads when i'm not making myself sick. whenever i eat and keep it down it's usually veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, and stuff liek that but i eat the cooked, steamed, and broiled ones now... i have so much more to deal with, learn, and cope with but i'm starting to get there and i think this forum will help...you all have been there and gone through these types of situations in some way and it's easier to relate to someone like that, rather than people who haven't. for instance my sister is sooo helpfull and patient with me and wants me to get better, but i still feel bad like i dont want her to hear anything because she doens't deserve it and wont understand why i'm like this.
if you dont mind me asking how did you cope and deal wiht your situation? was there a turning point that just stands out completely? thanks again for writing =)
- Re: my story #69242
17 y
3,222
This is a reply to # 944,977Magic is one of the best posters on curezone but unfortunately she posts less and less frequently. Hopefully she sees your follow up posts when she comes back. Anyway, good luck with the raw foods and overcoming the anorexia. I unfortunately have developed some food allergies to certain fruits and vegetables so I have had to start eating meat, which I had pretty much avoided for over ten years. As soon as I overcome those I will be back to more raw foods.
- Re: my story magic_glitter
17 y
3,535
This is a reply to # 945,328Thank you so much blackngold for your kind words!! That means a lot to me that someone appreciates my posts. I'm sorry for not posting as much, I'm getting ready to move and have had a lot on my mind :)
- Re: my story magic_glitter
17 y
3,535
- Re: Eating Disorders magic_glitter
17 y
3,620
This is a reply to # 944,977Hey bella! First thing, about fats: Don't be afraid of them!! I used to avoid fats like the plague at the height of my ED, and because I naively assumed the common myth "fat makes you fat." In short, my gallbladder became very painful and full of stones from lack of use for years (fat consumption stimulates the gallbladder,and thusly mine wasn't stimulated), negatively impacting my digestion. Also, fat is necessary for brain health (your brain is made up of fat, you know!), emotional health (helps to balance hormones), skin and hair health (moisturizing), and it helps to give you physical strength and satisfy hunger (which may be good for your cravings). Oils, raw nuts and seeds are great sources of fat that WON'T make you gain weight.
A bit of raw honey is great for sweet cravings. One thing that may help is learning about portion sizes - I know it did for me. You can start for the first month or so measuring out portion sizes of foods, and sticking to that. Then, once you feel comfortable with what the size of proper portions look like, practice doing it by eye instead (like maybe 1 handful = 1 cup, ect.) It may also help you to keep a food diary to keep track of what you eat. When you're consciously aware of what you're eating, then you may not be as tempted to binge eat. The thing about purging, which you may already know, is that it doesn't really get rid of calories. Your body absorbs the calories right away, when you purge all you really loose is water, so you're putting yourself at great risk of dehydration and imbalanced electrolytes, which can eventually lead to heart problems.
I know for me, educating myself about my ED, the symtoms, the health issues it can lead to, everything, really helped me gain awareness of what I was doing. I think most people with EDs aren't aware of the damage they're doing, not just to their bodies, but to their personal relationships. You may notice you become more withdrawn with an ED and more secretive about food, with me I hated eating in public and going out to restaurants, which made socializing difficult. I've met other people with EDs who have told me if they could go back in time and start all over again, they would never have started the behaviour in the first place. The thing is, it's not too late to turn around. You don't have to go back in time to change you're behaviour. You can start now. All you have to do is start slowly changing your patterns: your behavioural patterns (purging, binging), your mental patterns (obsessing over calories, fat), and your emotional patterns (how you react to stress - binging and purging is a reaction to stress, when you get right down to it is has nothing to do with weight, it has to do with a lack of control in your life). It sounds a lot easier than it actually is, but be GENTLE with yourself. Start one thing at a time. Changing these patterns is how you REALLY get on control of your life - binging and purging is controlling you right now, otherwise you wouldn't be in Curezone looking for help on how to stop it.
The reason I suggested therapy is there is a certain type of therapy called cognitive therapy that you may find beneficial. I know there are certain cognitive therapists that specialize in EDs too. Cognitive therapy is all about changing your patterns and how you react to stress, it's more than just talking out problems like traditional therapy. Another thing you may find helpful is getting more in touch with your body in a spiritual way, like gentle yoga, meditation, and doing other things that give you true enjoyment - maybe painting, singing or writing gives you joy. Make time to do that or join a group/class that revolves around your interest, if you can. If you're into spiritual/new age topics, maybe reading some books on the subject may help you. Personally, there's a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay that helped me a lot - there's a workbook that goes with it. If you can get both the book and workbook, I think you may like it. It's simple and easy to read. Give it a shot if you want, it really did help me.
You're lucky your sister is so supportive :) Maybe having your sister read some stuff about your ED and how to help you may assist her in understanding you right now. If you think it's a good idea, show her this site and this page in particular:
http://www.mirror-mirror.org/applove.htm
It's a good site for ED sufferers and their families. EDs are very commonly misunderstood, try not to be offended if someone makes a comment about your ED or behaviour, or says something about your ED that makes you uncomfortable. They don't know they're hurting you. The best thing you can do is say, "I'm sorry, but please don't say that. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm doing my best right now and it would mean a lot to me if you could just appreciate that." I know for me my family didn't understand or really care at all, and they always said things like "Why can't you just eat like a normal person?" "You're so skinny, look at you!", even today every time I see my dad he always comments on my weight, but comments in the same breath how he doesn't believe guys like overweight girls. It's just ignorance, do your best to ignore it and concentrate on YOU. Give your loved ones the materials to educate themselves on your ED and condition, and if they're interested, they'll pursue it and help you. If not, then that's they're issue. It's not a reflection on you. If someone wants to help you, don't be afraid to tell them your feelings when you're stressed. I don't know, but it could be that you keep your feelings inside instead of properly expressing them and letting them out, and that's a factor in your ED.
If shopping at places like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods feels "safe" to you (you can keep those foods down and not purge them like fast food/restaurant food), then shop there as much as you can. You will eventually feel more comfortable going outside your comfort or "safe" zone as you heal, but like I said, go as far as you can right now, starting with keeping food down :) The sensation of having food in your stomach and digesting will likely feel uncomfortable and "heavy" at first - that's normal and it will go away with time. Remember everytime you DON'T binge/purge you're really taking control of your life, because you're not doing anything to damage your body. Instead, you're helping you mind and body heal. That's real control.
Take care, bella :) We're happy to have you at Curezone!!- Re: Eating Disorders bella12984
17 y
3,158
MoreThis is a reply to # 945,875thank you for writing again. you hit a lot of things right on the head and gave me a lot to think about. i'm going to start writing these things down on paper and going over them and seeing exactly where i am at in my life. hope to see ya posting again soon, and i'll be sure to keep posting myself...
i do have one question...are you currently on a water fast?- Re: Eating Disorders magic_glitter
17 y
3,789
This is a reply to # 946,366I'm glad I could help :) I think that's the best thing that can come out of an ED - compassion. You come to understand a lot about the different emotions that people feel, because EDs are so deeply roots in difficult and complex emotions. Don't worry, when you come out of this you'll be a better person :) Take it one step at a time, and treat each hard spot as a learning opportunity. It's not the end of the world, just a chance for you to learn.
I'm not on a water fast, I've never done water fasts. I don't think it's a good idea for people with EDs to water fast, personally. I think it would upset the electrolytes too much and I think some people use it as an opportunity to lose weight. Juice fasting I have done, but am not doing right now. You may find juicing and making living food smoothies helps you to kick your addiction to fast food. Here's some good recipes:
http://www.living-foods.com/recipes/
Here's some more raw recipes:
http://www.avenaoriginals.com/library/recipes.asp?m=14769&mtc=Recipes&gclid=C...
and my favourite site:
http://goneraw.com/recipes
- Re: Eating Disorders magic_glitter
17 y
3,789
- Re: Eating Disorders bella12984
17 y
3,158
- Re: my story #69242
17 y
3,222
- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,272
This is a reply to # 944,735i was just glancing through your posts on this website...wow. i had no idea you were as knowledgeable and helpfull as you really are. i mean obviously you knew what you were talking about, i just didn't realize to what degree. i think it's awesome that you know so much about raw food diets and nutrition in general. i was only on a raw food diet for about four five months so there is so much i still need to learn.. i had some books that were ok but i learned a lot of my information through the mastercleanse bulletin boards and there was a main topic labled raw food. if you ever have any awesome recipies or any info you want to share i would love it. i still have no sprouted anything myself or made anything really complex, i usualyl just made lots of salads, dips, and "granola" type morning cereals with lots of raw nuts and fruit. thanks again
- Re: my story: here's my experience maverick494
17 y
3,284
This is a reply to # 944,980Hi Bella,
Just went through this thread of your story and I must say I recognize myself in you.
Some replies to your post shock me. By all means, what you were doing was as unhealthy as what I was doing. It's a classic case of an initially healthy person with a healthy lifestyle losing control and becoming trapped in this dangerous spiral . You were honest enough to tell us (=complete strangers) this and that's pretty courageous. You admit your mistakes AND how you want to correct them. I wish you well by all means. Don't listen to people who say you're bad or self centered. People criticize something they know little about the most.
Here's my experience. (I'm gonna post this in a separate thread as well) I was also influenced by the media and the skinniness that surrounded me (it didn't help I towered above everyone with my 5'10.") I was a loner (I had different interests and dressed differently than fellow students, so I was pretty much an outcast all my school-life, hence my nickname.)
Then I decided to do something about it: I took up martial arts, worked out and adopted a healthy lifestyle. I learned about how many calories there were in every product. In all my enthusiasm, I became obsessed and got down to eating only 300 cals a day. I weighed myself multiple times a day. I read a lot of books to divert attention from food. And I became really skinny. Skinny enough that I noticed every ounce of fat (which I lacked) on other skinny girls. And felt good, despite my best friends + families concerns. Looking back, I see I was mentally messed up.
Then my periods stopped. I went to the doctor, who was shocked when he saw me. (at my last visit I was curvy, so to say) And while I had cunningly talked around all my loved one's comments, he was able to talk me in a corner and have me admit what I was really consuming during the day. He labeled me with anorexia. The fact an M.D said it opened my eyes.
I adopted a healthier diet ever since. Learned about juice fasting in combination with water and did that. I felt fantastic afterwards, but ended it the wrong way (also my parents were being pushy and got me to eat) And that was when the trouble started. My stomach, appetite, whatever you may call it awakened and I started binging on the weirdest things. Muesli, I'd eat bowls full of it. Bread, pasta, pizza: something I'd rather die than eat first was being consumed in huge quantities. I went out and bought a lot of food (and the fact I lived on my own didn't help securing my weakened boundaries.) I didn't exactly spent the amounts you did, but I spent too much regardless. Ofcourse I tried to compensate by working out. But you can't beat 4000+ cals with one or 2 rigorous workouts. I became really good in hiding all this from my parents with excuses I was with friends and replacing the consumed food from the fridge and cupboard with newly bought ones.
Then, for a brief period (call it inspiration from god) I got a hold of myself and went on a healthy Diet full of veggies, protein and all things wonderful. Then I went on a internship to London and lost myself again. Now I'm doing this fast to cut my boundaries with food in an extreme way. I've always been a person of extremes, and this is sort of me giving the finger to my excessive lifestyle. I'm vowing to keep a healthy lifestyle after ridding my body from all the junk. A new blank page in my black book of failures.
There, you have my story. It was a long and probably boring read, but I wanted to share my experience with you since we're kinda similar. I never threw up (doesn't mean I didn't try, but somehow I just couldn't do it.) I think we could help eachother get better and really become HEALTHY.
Be well!- Re: my story: here's my experience bella12984
17 y
3,160
This is a reply to # 945,497you do not need to apologize at all for your story i'm so happy that you actually did tell it. we def. went through similar phases as i too am a person of extremes and it didn't really hit me until i read your story. i never really battled anorexia though which obviously i am thank full for. i couldn't imagine that other end of the spectrum, but can still feel your pain in counting calories and the extersizing part. oh and let me tell you about scales...i knew what i weighed to the .5 of a pound. i used to weigh myself, also like you did, a million times again any weight. buying that damn scale was one of the worst things i ever did to be honest and threw it away. because of habit i still am able to tell how much i weigh at all times which is something i'm still working on getting over and not focusing on. i guess that by knowing my weight after i binged made me feel better for doing that to myself because i didn't gain any weight and could pretend it didn't happen...
oh and hiding of the food i totally feel your pain on that. it's so disturbing yet it's what happened.
i'm always here to talk if you ever want to. this has been a breath of fresh air having this forum. it's still a struggle but every little bit helps. what is your diet like now? i'm going back to raw foods and hopefulls a detox to help cleanse my body of all the garbage i put in it...then back to raw and healthy... i was originally going to be the detox a.s.a.p but i'm going to try and learn patience and do it right. i want to try this gradual or at least more so than i would normally. thanks again for the support and i'm hear if ya need me
hope to hear from you soon
- Re: my story: here's my plan maverick494
17 y
3,462
This is a reply to # 945,539Thanks for your sweet reply Bella!
The scale is the first thing that went out of the window. For me, it's evil. Like you, I am till a pretty good guesser when it comes to my weight, including that of others. Because I'm not focusing on it anymore, it's slipping away (fortunately) but I still know the nutritional value of every food by head. Old habits die hard, I guess.
My current plan is to finish this fast first and have everything clean and as good as new. The week(s) after that I'm going to use to slowly build up to eating again, and eating raw is going to be a big part of that & my new lifestyle. (slow really being the key word here. People have died from ending their long fast the wrong way!) I love veggies and most fruits, so that shouldn't be a problem.
When it comes to my diet, here's a blurb of my plans:
- I'm going to cut starchy foods (potatoes, bread, pasta...rice) out of my diet as much as possible, because I know it won't do me much good. (I love it, so that makes the temptation to binge great.) However, things like oatmeal (home cooked), wilde rice or brown rice I will eat (in controlled portions) as they're high in fibre.
-I'm not a vegetarian, but I'm not going to eat a lot of meat. I don't think we humans need much of it these days. I love fish and chicken though, so I will eat that. It's healthy and full of protein and fats like omega 3 & 6! Eggs will also play a part. I love them. There are so many options for eggs it never gets boring. And did you know egg-white omelettes are a great replacement for tortilla wraps? (my own invention.) Cottage cheese is also good.
- for snacks I'll eat nuts or dried fruits (I love figs!) or low fat / fat free yoghurt. (Tip, when you know icecream is served for dessert, you can prepare your own substitute by freezing some low-cal flavored yoghurt! tastes great and you don't feel left out.) I'll always take a snack with me when I'm off to work or college so I have no excuse to buy something else.
-I'll never cook in butter, but use olive oil (or something comparable) instead. I use PAM spray to grease the baking pan when I'm putting something in the oven.
-I'm not going to drink alcohol anymore. Now that's never been a big problem for me, as I'm not really fond of it and some members of my family I'm close to have a nasty history with it. Water is going to be my main source.
- In general, I'm going to eat 3 balanced meals a day. The 5 tiny meals a day method doesn't work for me, because I'll start craving more and eventually binge. I'll only eat when hungry. Also, I'm going to prepare my meals for the week before it starts, so I'll have no excuse to grab something else (unhealthy.) I'm a pretty goo cook (I used to cook for the entire family) so that's going to be a piece of cake (pun intended.) Soups (like vegetable soup) will be made when I have less time. Natural, organic foods are the ones I'll buy. No canned stuff for me anymore. Also, I'm quitting on cereals, so called granola bars, etc. processed stuff is history for me now.
- Last thing: to keep me sane: I'm not going to beat myself up for eating out once in a while (birthday, special occasion). And those times I'm NOT going to restrict myself and chew on a salad while everyone else is enjoying pasta. My strategy is: I'll choose whatever I want for the main course, but pass on the bread served as an appetizer. Desert is going to be the healthiest option. Instead of the 3chocolates sorbet, I'll choose the fruit variation instead. Then the next day I'll continue on my normal regimen. If there is no healthy variation, I'll just keep an eye on my portions and make sure I won't bloat my stomach (makes the occasion more pleasurable too, in my opinion. A bloated stomach is not a nice feeling)
Come to think of it (after reading the above ramble) there are a lot of healthy options. And tasty too. I guess it's a mind over matter. Once you stop thinking about what you can't have and start focusing on everything you CAN eat, it gets a lot easier.
There you have it! I'd love to know what you're going to do!- Re: my story: here's my plan bella12984
17 y
3,182
This is a reply to # 945,790hey hun it's nice to see that you posted again. i just love readin what you write because it feels great to know that i'm not the only one out there with issues, but hey we're dealing with it =)
congrats on doing your fasts i am so proud and somewhat jealous of you lol. i myself am going to strive for a ten to fourteen day fast. wednesday actually works better for me because i have to work today and tonight i decided to i'll let you know how that goes. i read your post on the Water Fast forum and its very informative and a lot of help so thanks, again, for that. keep going and good luck and i can't wait to hear about it when you finish.
eventually we will have very similar diets. i plan on cutting out all processed foods period, with the exception of a few dressing now and again. and i am thinking of the possibility of a few specific type of breads (obviously not white breads and such ) but foods like that just will give me reasons to binge. that's what i'm keeping my diet incredibly limited, the raw food vegan for the most part, because if i eat anything else i honestly feel too guilty i guess and sometimes i just can't stop and then i will purge =( so anyways for the time being it's gonna be fruits, veggies, smoothies, nuts, and seeds....
oh let me tell you a great way to make ice cream since you gave me yours. get some very very ripe bananas (the browner the better) peel and cut them into med size pieces put them in a bag and freeze them at least a day. then get them and put them in a blender (add a lil water, or your fav juice will help also) and blend until creamy and it's fabulous. you can make a million variations also, some add a lil honey to sweeten it, some add dates which are amazing anyways, or you could add other fruits to make a "flavored" ice cream, like starwberries or blueberreies, or you could even crush a few cocoa beans and make chocolate but be sure to add a little bit of honey and dates to that.
maybe we should keep swapping recipies and stuff...homemade guacalmole is amazing also ;) i have all kinds of fun, easy, recipies if you ever need any. see, unlike you i'm a horrible cook i'm just dreadfull, but if it just involves chopping, blending, or mixing i have come to master that.
hope to talk to ya soon and keep me posted on your fast
- Re: my story: here's my plan bella12984
17 y
3,182
- sisterhood! princess farfala
17 y
3,205
This is a reply to # 945,539
Hi bella..(ok Im french and Ill do all I can to use my sunday english!)
first of all, before anybody panics I must say that just like you Bella, my nick name is comming from a sentimental memory...so please dont go thinking I am this pompous superior being calling herself a princess...I whish! Maybe then ,life would be easier! As much as I try to be mean, to be a bitch, to come across as strong, people keep telling me Im so sweet and cute, makes me fell like an inocent puppy!...! anyway that is not exactly what I wanted to share with u!
this is the first time Im visiting this forom. I was so touched by your story and many others.and Im wondering too why people who dont seem to be willing to understand others pain and struggle r posting here...or even reading what we have to say!!! Here we are looking for help, support, relief and theses guys are like :hey you dont even have a problem...stop complaining, my life is so much worst...its not a competion as who will have the worst situation...compassion is difficult to cultivate, I understand that...
Im so with you, I was hurt when I read so reply you got...boulimia is a huge proble in my life too and being told about glutony isnt gonna help in my opinion but just add more shame!
still Im sendind all my love to EVERYBODY on that forom... - Re: my story: here's my experience princess farfala
17 y
3,084
This is a reply to # 945,539so bella...now that Ive said what I was dying to scream let me tell u a bit about my story...
Actualy Im just stepping out of my therapist office and we talked about my life in general this morning, its funy how facts can sound so technical and simple when in reality its all so complicated!
I could say: I am french, have been boulimic for years and now labeled as depressive! Im a flight attendant and being told I am beautiful every day
somebody reading those line can imagine what my life may b like...but will that b my reality??
It is very hard not to feel understood and not to be able to say myself what the heck is wrong! Im so tired of binging and purging . I find it amazing to think that u could be living next door to me...we could cross path in the street, never knowing that we are going through the same hell!!! As much as I am wanting connection with people around me I have become so antisociable lately!
But Im about to start a programm in an ed clinic...8 weeks of group therapy. Ive been on a waiting lists for months...and now that Im about to have a spot I want to run away to a desert island and never b seen again!!!
Im sorry my mind is all over the place today
It is helpful to know other fantastic girls are going through similar hard time...but find it so sad at the same time...cos I know what it is...- Re: my story: here's my experience bella12984
17 y
3,143
This is a reply to # 945,857thank you so much for you kind words. again, i've read your story and feel that we have gone through so much of the same thing. maverick is also an awesome person to talk to , and she has been kind and very helpfull with her posts and knowledge on bulimia. at least your know you have a problem and are doing something about it. the fact that you are going to a therapist is amazing and is probably incredibly difficult and i applaud your efforts in even going there. oh, and i'm very happy for you that you got into your program and i wish you the best. hopefully you will still be able to post and tell us how you are doing!!! and dont worry i would never judge you on your screen name, that is the least of my concerns lol in my opinion every girl should be treated like a princess anyways ;) i'm just happy that you are posting, it gives us all another person to relate to and to talk to and if you ever need to talk believe me i probably do too so feel free
i am sooo sorry but i would love to write more and i have more to say but i can't i have to go to work so i'll be sure to post later!!!! - Re: my story: here's my experience bella12984
17 y
3,150
This is a reply to # 945,857k i'm back now...work was long.. anyways that's crazy that you are a flight attendant. i actually was considering doing that and had a couple interviews with a company called jet blue but i had to cancel...weird.
i'm also tired of binging and purging and feeling and not being able to stop. i lived by myself for a year and that's when i was at my worst. there were two girls that lived below me that used to ask me why my toilet would run all the time and i had to say that it was always broke, and then i decided to run bath water at the same time so that thye wouldnt catch on or really know what it was that i was doing =( i live with my sister now and tha'ts hard...very very hard also. it's also hard for me now because i dont know anyone at all in this new city and feel so lonely all the time and everyone who meets me would never guess that. they all think i'm so outgoing and fun, but no one really knows how sad i've been since i've come down here. i used to go out all the time and now i just dont do anything.
dont be scared about your clinic...it will be tough at first but you'll get through it. you're going to do so good, and hell maybe you'll even be able to help me out =)
keep in touch i have email and an aol instant messenger
write soon- Im glad ur there! princess farfala
17 y
3,304
This is a reply to # 946,369
Bella! Thanks for getting back to me...not only once but twice!
Support is so comforting, but so hard to ask for. I have been pushing people away for years...until everthing explodes and now I cannot do it by myself anymore...I have lost most of my friend over the last 12 months by my own fault. The phone kept ringning and I would just ingnore it(plus all that guilt!)And theres no way I would tell them what was going on! Havent allowed myself see my family for more then a year too... they do live in a differant province so they could not come knocking on my door when I was at my worst.May have been helpful but my personal pride says otherwise. Living by myself has been a blessing and a curse at the same time.
Sometimes when Im feeling so angry and frustrated about my situation I become very sarcastic and imagine telling my friends; look the reason why I cannot do anything anymore is bcose I am a pig and I cannot stop eating...I know its more then that...but its hard to get over the shame of having such issus with food. In my wildest dreams I wish I was an alcoholic...getting drunk dosnt seem as disgraceful as binging to me! (but I know its not true and I should dream of being healthy and balanced insted!)
I told u I was working as a flight attendant, did I also mention that Ive been on a sick leave for the last 7 months...wow! even to me that sound just amazing! When I took a break in Feb, I thought that I just needed to chill out a litle for a week or 2...but I soon realised that things had to get way way worst before to get better!!!
Bulimia and Depression have been part of my life for 12 years or so...it was in the background I could not deny it but I'd keep it for myself, I had not been diagnosed..I was working, having a social life, traveled a lot in asia, being passionate about life most of the time...
Last year I did The Master Cleanse for 50 days or so. It wasjust amazing. I was feeling so free and high! After so long I had no desire to go back to food and mess with this blissful state of peace , was interested into raw food too. I even met David Wolf (raw movement guru!) this guy is so inspiring and vibrant with life energy!
Fasting is fantastic but when having issus with bulimia it can b playing with fire too. just I as I was comming out of the fast and was feeling great I bumped into a guy I had been so in love with for a while, he made it clear that it would never go anywhere(not that I ever expected it to anyway!) but the suprise of seeing him made me panic, I allowed myself 1 binge just to take the feeling away! this 1 binge turned into days, weeks, a major break down and here I am 8 months later
I will be fasting again in my life but I know we must handle it carefuly!
Ive started to see my therapist las feb.Bless him! we meet about twice a week. hes the one who got me on the hospital program wait list...since Im still uncomfortable to talk about whats going on w friends and family, these visits r very helpfull...challenging too!
Are you taking some meds?
I didnt want to myself but since I could not get out of bed anymore I started prozac(they say it may b good to treat bulimia), stopped for a while and got so bad...Ive started again lately and made a commitment to stick with it for a few months. I know its not the best but it may be better then the other scenarios I had in mind as an emergency exit!
its getting late and I must go...but Im happy, all that time I wasnt home fighting with my demons!
thankyou for listening and feel free to tell me anything u feel like about yourself...
sophie
- Re: Im glad ur there! bella12984
17 y
3,202
This is a reply to # 948,832hello again!!! i just wanted to let you know that we are so incredibly alike it's unreal. i myself have lost all of my best friends this last year. i have been bulimic for over a year and a half. there was that brief four or five months i was on that raw diet but i can't remember what triggered it but i started binging again. throughout that time i pushed everyone away. my boyfriend and i broke up and i lived alone and it got so bad. i wouldn't even let people in my apt because i was embarrassed because of that bathroom ( use your imagination) and if there was trash and food boxes and stuff. i was soo embarrassed. i also stopped talking to my family, especially my mom and my grandma. we are a very close family, and now i'm able to somewhat talk to my sister and she knows i "did" have a problem. i still refuse to call anyone in my family that isn't my sister. i cant talk to them. i guess i never realized that maybe i've been battling Depression too. i'll have to think about it. the only times i were really happy was when i was out drinking with my coworkers, at least then i was alone and had to deal with my battle of eating and needing to eat all the time and then throw it up. it gave me such a sense of power over something. in fact i've even been avoiding a girl who's wedding i'm supposed to be in in a couple months and one of the reasons is that i'm afraid i wont fit my dress anymore, that is so shallow and disgusting but the truth. the other reason is because i'm afraid to talk to her....dont know why i just am. i just wont call anyone. and now that i've moved to this new city i'm still alone, which is why i post and check on here all the time =) i feel kinda creepy but at least it occupies the time. i'll be working a lot more here soon so that should help. anyways, the point of me saying all that is that i know exactly where you're coming from.
i also love that fact that you are also a very social and outgoig person but yet still battle disorders and other stuff like this and depression. it's like an oxymoron to me. i never would have thought that i would be in the sitation that i am. everyone is always like oh you're so nice, or funny, or blah blah and i just want to be liek "if you only knew..." how did this happen to us??
i agree that living by yourself def has it's plus and it's bonuses. it hasn't really helped my problems yet. i'm so selfish for even still having this disorder but i just can't stop. i keep trying to just eat raw, and if i do eat and keep it down it is all raw vegan food, but i still have a food obsession. like i dont get it. i'm home alone all day by myself and i've been binging since i got to columbus. everyone says not to do a fast if you have a disorder because it will get worse but honestly i think tha'ts the only way i will ever have a prayer of stopping. i even try posting on here and act like i eat all raw, which i guess in a certain sense i do, but im' just kidding myself. i honestly believe that if i can do a fast i will finally feel a control over my body that i only get when i binge. if i can get that and conquer it then i think i can move on from there.
anyways, congrats on doing the Master-Cleanse for fifty days that is amazing. wow, i couldnt even imagine. that is def something to be proud of. i'm sry that you ended up seeing that guy and went downhill from there. emotions, especially for people like us, can be so easily swayed. guys have always been a pain for me too! hopefully we will get stronger and actually believe that we are in control of our lives and especially our emotions and not let anyone else dictate how we feel and act. we just have to practice it and believe it. obvoiusly easier said than done but whatever.
yeah for you going to your therapy and feeling better!! no i'm not on any medicine and not seeing any therapists. you're it lol no i'm kidding. it has been a relief to post on here. and thanks for listening i'm sorry this is so long i'll stop now.
post whenever you can and talk about whatever
ashley- keep writing princess farfala
17 y
3,182
This is a reply to # 948,889
we must b one!
Anything I can do to help I will!
Im listening, I understand!
lets get rid of that monster now! we can do it together!
sophie*
- keep writing princess farfala
17 y
3,182
- Re: Im glad ur there! bella12984
17 y
3,202
- Im glad ur there! princess farfala
17 y
3,304
- Re: my story: here's my experience bella12984
17 y
3,143
- Re: my story: here's my plan maverick494
17 y
3,462
- Re: my story: here's my experience #62845
17 y
3,135
This is a reply to # 945,497"Remember, you did not fail one more time; you merely found something else that doesn't work."
That fact that you're still trying is great - don't give up and you will not fail. For many of us, food is a struggle, but it doesn't mean we ever have to give up. I am convinced I will eventually win... even if it is just by trying so hard that I keep at bay the extremely bad health that would come if I didn't even try.
- Re: my story: here's my experience bella12984
17 y
3,160
- Re: my story: here's my experience maverick494
17 y
3,284
- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,226
- Re: my story magic_glitter
17 y
3,735
- Re: my story #43602
17 y
3,136
- Re: my story bella12984
17 y
3,291
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