Sunday (Day 68) by Roooth Blog entry

Blog: Stating my Intentions
by Roooth

Sunday (Day 68)

Working on food issues. I know, I know, if it seems never ending to you, think how it is to me. But giving up means accepting fatness and bad health... I eat more healthy foods than ever before so there is progress. I'm working on improving... taking the next step. It is worth it.

Date: 4/20/2008 12:17:44 PM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1934 times

I decided to skip some days. I was getting so rushed this past week and the past few entries were hurried without real time put into thinking and feeling about what I really want. So today is not consecutive. It's about a week later. I am soooooo busy (woooooooooooo!) with 3 classes ending (finals!) and my hubby coming back - all 2 weeks from now! So yeah, I've been busy.

What I've been thinking about this weekend is my diet, of course. I've been messing up again, overate a couple times and noticed it doesn't feel good. I also noticed that sometimes when I feel like I should go eat junk, I don't even want to eat junk, it's like I'm forcing myself to? Why? HELLIFIKNOW! It's some kind of wierd mind game ... Bad mind - BAD! I have tried to make my good-eating mentality a relaxed one that I can break if I want to that my mind won't rebel and have me binge, but still this feeling like I know I want to eat healthy in general so if I'm willing to eat junk I'D BETTER GET AS MUCH AS I CAN WHILE I'M DOING IT is craaaazy. Get it while the gettin' is good, eh? Part of it may be wrapped around me being more self-conscious about weight.

The ironic thing is that while I like the taste of the bad foods as well, sometimes I don't even enjoy them as much as I would enjoy a nice apple banana and I certainly don't enjoy the feeling of my body when I overeat. Yesterday I was trying to relax my mentality and I bought what I wanted - frozen pizza and some imitation seafood salad along with other stuff. I thought I would eat the frozen pizza for dinner but decided I wanted the seafood salad more. I'm working on retraining my mind not to have the same expectations and to be intuitive. I envy people that can switch mentalities quickly when steered in the right direction. It's harder to switch when you don't realize the different mind games your mind has in store, maybe that's it. Or maybe it is because of all the fights I've had with my mind from dieting to diet pills to flirting with and engaging in some eating disordered thoughts and behaviors. I'm trying to work with the idea that no foods are off limits (so I won't binge) and yet listening to my body. I know my body often WANTS the healthy food... it is tasty and I feel better on it, but the back of my mind wants to push me to eat perfect and LOSE WEIGHT NOW in spite of my surface intentions. This recreates the struggle. I feel better if I don't eat those cookies but don't want them to be off limits so I binge later... but ideally I would NEVER want to eat bad food right? NEVER eat cookies? MUST-EAT-BAD-FOOD-BEFORE-I-CUT-MYSELF-OFF-FOR-GOOD!

On some level, this is what happens. I am not doing it consciously - in fact consciously the biggest thing I'm working on is relaxing and trying to slow down and eat consciously. I messed up a lot with this lately but this morning I did very well and some broccoli w/hummus tasted far better than I'd remembered. So:

My Intentions:

- continue the beautiful process of learning to eat consciously and make it a habit.

- continue the BEAUTIFUL process of EATING CONSCIOUSLY and make it a habit.

- continue the beautiful process of learning to eat consciously and MAKE IT A HABIT!

If I do this, I think my body's wisdom will follow.