ack!

Speedy, this is completely off-topic of the original message (seems like there won't BE a reply from the original poster, eh?), but I wanted to gently point something out for you that you may find helpful.

In your choice of language with regard to your husband's deceptions, you seem to be taking the responsibility for his choices upon yourself, excusing his choices because he's really a "good man" or that you were somehow not paying him the attention that he needed. I know that you didn't ask for my viewpoint, but I wanted to offer you some encouragement and support from a Survivor: no matter HOW caught up you might have been, you are not (ARE NOT) responsible for your husband making a CHOICE to pursue and execute an extra-marital affair for nearly a decade. To remain with someone who would risk everything (from financial stability to HIV/AIDS) for the sakes of the children is doing the children a great disservice, not to mention the guilt that you're carrying for someone else's choices.

Children learn from watching their parents - what we do, what we say, and how we choose to react will be their guidelines, for life - what will be perceived as normal and acceptable. I stayed with my abusive ex for the same reason: our children. I made a terrible error in judgement and it was based entirely upon my own fear of risk - I was afraid that I couldn't make it on my own. I was afraid of losing everything that I had tried to keep intact. My fear was a catalyst for the continuance of the cycle. Today, my eldest son is a bona fide NPD and bordering on sociopathy - he nearly killed his wife of 4 months and literally uses the same, exact verbage that his father did. My other son has grown absolutely inward upon himself, emotionally. I realize that I'm doing the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" thing, here, and it may sound like regret, but it's a living example of how my choices were based upon fear. Once I screwed up the courage to leave, the damage had already been done. I demonstrated to my children that people did not have to live in an abusive environment and that I was responsible for my own well-being. I included them in counseling and offered options on how to live a responsible, empathetic, productive, goal-oriented life. As adults, they must make their own paths and I accept that fact, though it's unfortunate.

SO, I would start speaking in terms of the sins that my husband had committed against me and our children, thus calling a Spade, "A spade," and only accept responsibility for my own actions. I cannot control anyone other than my Self and I would take steps to start recognizing truth for what it was.

God bless! Tweet