Re: What to expect?

 <<I'm very bitter and have two children to focus on. I'm afraid if I do at some point even after the divorce, my husband is going to freak out. How does a person go on after being married to a psycho? Will I have to worry about him even if he has a girlfried? One thing he always says is that he just wants to be with one person in his life that he does not hit (has hit every other girl). Is this possible? I'm assumming at some point his new girlfried will also be abused. How does a person survive the emotional aspects of a situation like this?>>

First of all, we survive because we know that living a happy life is what God intends for us, and it's probably the best "revenge" possible.  Over time, the bitterness will be replaced with relief and gratitude, once you've begun the evolution from victim to Survivor.

We "go on after being married to a psycho" through counseling, attending support groups, involving ourselves in emotionally/spiritually healthy activities, focusing on healing and developing our Self, and realizing that the batterer is a cold-hearted, control freak that views his/her spouse or significant other as PROPERTY, not a thinking, feeling human being.  Read that, again:  PROPERTY.  Property with no more value than a Bic lighter, okay?  If it stops working, it's disposable.

Yes, you will have to "worry about him even if he has a girlfriend."  He isn't focusing on anything that doesn't give him sadistic, warped, or perverted pleasure.  It's not about HER, honey, it's about HIM.  She's going to face the same mess that you're facing now, if he stays with her long enough.  It's not about "love," or sex, or anything that might make sense to you - it's all about control, pain, humiliation, degradation, dehumanization (check narcissist forum).  Her physical attractiveness has nothing to do with anything - she will be (if not, already) a victim, as well.  And, more importantly, if he is having sexual relations with someone else, I wouldn't allow him to touch me with a ten-foot barge pole!  There are STD's that kill, nowadays, that can (and, are) spread through IV drug use, as well as sexual activity.

What he says and what he does are two different things, completely, because reasonable boundaries, laws, rules, and moral obligations do not apply to him, in his warped mind.  He's poisonous, and everything that he touches becomes corrupted, including your children.  Aside from the damage that you are suffering, it would be recommended that you consider what your children are learning:  nonproductivity, abuse, denial, codependency, and fear are all acceptable, and perpetrating violence on another human being is acceptable.  Believe me, both of my sons were damaged by their father and my eldest is most certainly an abusive narcissist while my youngest is so emotionally crippled that it's quite likely that he will never be productive and always be a victim.

I would secure an attorney, ASAP, that specializes in abuse cases - state attorney referral services can provide a list to you.  Then, I would locate a counselor/therapist that specializes in abuse cases, involve myself AND my children in counseling - this not only helps prepare the victim(s) to leave, heal, and move on, but it provides the attorney with documentable proof of the abuse. 

Then, I would sit down and write my marital history in a notebook (NOT ON THE COMPUTER or any technological device) to include every event that occurred during the marriage, from courtship until present day - it should include decisions, behavioral choices, reactions, schemes, etc., by both you and your spouse, even if doing so might be uncomfortable to you.  This is a tool to help you see the entire picture.  This must be done without personal insights, moral monologues, or emotional rantings.  It must be done in strictest objectivity.

THEN, I would immediately start a running log of every conversation that takes place:  dates, times, EXACT quotes, reactions, threats, actions, choices, etc., again, even if your reaction or behavior isn't perfect.  Again, no emotional interjections are required, here.  THIS is a tool for your attorney and your counselor/therapist.  This must be ongoing, inaccessible to the batterer, and sealed copies distributed to TRUSTED individuals (NOT mutual friends or questionable family  members), such as attorney, counselor, supervisor, etc.  Updating the log on a weekly basis, and distributing sealed copies to the trusted individuals is paramount.

Anyone can become a victim, and not all victims evolve into Survivors.  What it boils down to is this:  once our status as "victim" has been defined, we either CHOOSE to remain a victim, or evolve into a "Survivor."  It's a difficult road with a number of bumps and potholes, but the scenery down that road to recovery is the best, ever!

GOOD luck, and keep posting back!