Re: Trauma, shame-core beliefs, and recovery (EDITED)

Tigerlily23, this is not simply about sex or sexual abuse.  Using a tampon as a dilater?  WHAT the f*ck is that even about?  Is that in order for you to relax enough to engage in sexual activities?  Um..............sadly, comfortable and satisfying sexual relations might be a bit of a stretch, at this point, until there is some recovery and healing beneath your proverbial belt. Meaning that this is just temporary.  How temporary?  Nobody can predict that, including a therapist, a gynecologist, or anyone else under the sun. 

In response to the previous comment, you wrote that you shouldn't have to go through different counselors and waste money.  Well, there is "what should be," and there's "what is."  Rarely do these concepts cross paths, and "what is" is based primarily upon facts rather than feelings.  Isn't your own emotional and physical health WORTH this effort?  I am familiar with this avoidance because it is another symptom of childhood trauma. 

This is NOT your "fault," Tigerlily23 - you are experiencomg very, very classic and idenifiable reactions to past traumas.  But, you can do some hard work to rewire your own thinking processes, etc.  Additionally, trauma recovery and healing is a "whole-Self" process....mind, body, and spirit, not just sex.  Sex isn't pleasant because the PTSD remembers that sex wasn't SAFE, and nobody helped you to FEEL safe, etc., etc. 

In therapy, Tigerlily23, digging in the dirt and exposing shame-core and other very, very painful things is unpleasant.  It is not warm and fuzzy.  It is not unicorns and glitter.  In the thick of this kind of therapy there will be no sounds of wind chimes and visions of fluttering butterflies.  There won't.  True, honest, intensive therapy is painful, frightening, and something that most people want to avoid because..............and, this is very important to grasp as a concept............because, individuals who have suffered childhood trauma (of ANY kind) truly believe that "feeling" that level of intensity is going to kill them - that they won't be able to process that level of pain.  I am living proof that I did not die from exposing the abuses, and sexuality is just one facet of the entire human organism.  It all works together.

So, I am wondering what do you want in the form of responses, and what your personal expectations might be?  Getting "help" not going to be easy, simple, or painless - it simply does't work that way.  And, this isn't just true for you......for anyone (male AND female) who has experienced the trauma of a dysfunctional family, it is a serious challenge.  Many don't even begin trying because it finally comes down to 100% THEIR efforts, and avoidance (another symptom of trauma) is easier to indulge, even though avoidance helps to fuel the shame-core and very negative self-perceptions.  I was in intensive therapy (2 sessions a week for the first 9 months) for almost 4 years with 2 different therapists.

But, here's the thing, Tigerlily23 - both therapists supported, encouraged, and guided me while I was setting my feet upon my personal Healing Path, but neither of them kept their mouths shut to avoid "hurting my feelings."  There were very serious aspects of my own personalities that became exposed that I didn't necessarily want to hear about.  I needed to hear everything so that I knew what I needed to work on.  I "accepted" that fact, and worked with every tool and technique that I was given.  I will forever be in recovery and walking my Healing Path because this is a journey, not a destination.  There is not a day that comes and, suddenly, my past no longer exists or has an impact upon my own choices and actions.  My past experiences will always have an impact upon my perceptions, but they no longer RULE my decisions and choices.  That is where therapy has taken me.  And, even after all of the fear and shame that I felt throught the processes, I am such a different person than I once was and it is breathtaking to me that there IS, indeed, life without fear.

"Acceptance" is one of the greatest stumbling blocks for any survivor of any trauma.  "Acceptance" is that point where we realize that we cannot alter, bargain, negotiate, wish away, demand away, or pretend to change something into a more "comfortable" and appealing set of facts.  My parent was abusive.  Fact.  I am not required or obligated to "LIKE" this fact, but understanding that there is no changing that fact into something more warm-and-fuzzy gives me FREEDOM from continually assuming that my parent's abuse was not my fault or responsibility.  It's a LIBERATOR.

Again..........consider what your expectations are and whether you're willing to put many things "on hold" for your own personal recovery and healing processes.  Contemplate whether or not you are willing to face the fears in order to put them to rest and fill in those spaces with personal growth and balance.  And, seriously contemplate whether you're willing to hear unpleasant things in order to define them so that the work can take place.  Contemplate "acceptance."  Contemplation requires separating the "feelings" from the facts, right now, and making a WISE choice based upon what you are willing to do and accept.

Best wishes to you