Thank you for the advice. In a workshop I attended at the women's center, we did talk about recovery and healing my social worker who ran it said the same thing as you. I know my social worker said I have changed a lot which she congratulated me on. :) I will check out that book.

I hope this new therapist and I will be able to work together so I can close an old chapter and move forward. More details will be opened in 2 weeks when I go back and see her again. Can you believe it? The staff said I didn't show up when I signed in and put her name down on the clipboard! lol

I would like therapy to benefit me and me only have no interest in arguing with a therapist as I am the only one who can answer these questions. So, we will see... :)

Update for therapy last Thursday and for anyone interested. I had a talk with the new therapist about what's going on she said how she reviewed my treatment plan 2 weeks ago after I left and said she is really concern about what's really going on.

I told her how I felt people betrayed me growing up, making me suffer and fight this battle all alone while my siblings had it together and me being raised codependent, the fact that others can be a freakin superhero and doing it, that I am still living in this same situation, etc. She said it's a part of life that we have to fight our own battles and told her it wasn't fair others had advantages - the help that people wanted to help whereas nobody wanted to help me at all. It was purely "cotton to your parents" type of attitude, make sure you do as they say because they are THE PARENTS, etc that line of bs.

She asked me what stopped me from leaving and told her mostly fear, been told that I will never make it on my own, that it is selfish of me to want my own life/friends, that I will have friends over, that it won't be my parents running the show, how dare you listen to that god awful sister of yours, etc.

Therapist asked what's wrong with your sister? I said my sister has always been very strong growing up (before I was born) and still is today who can hold her own no problems whereas I looked for a savior to help me with things or figure it out for me hence is why I was raised codependent because my parents felt "she is a very bad influence" and like what some other people and I both agreed with is how my birth woman felt all is lost, allowed herself to be/stay abused, refuse to see the wrongs in her ways (same with dad), and never put herself/us 1st.

Therapist said is something like this, the fact that your parents disagree with what you do, gonna allow you to keep staying stuck? That was my problem all of my life I have a side to myself of wanting it to do it myself but got pulled back away from it saying 'that's selfish of you' by parents and other outsiders. She said if someone says you don't look good today, tell them yea I feel great and that's your opinion. I grew up with the opinions of others always influencing me; if a friend of mine didn't like the shirt I had on, the next day I wore something else to please her and it was a cycle of her or them not ever liking what I had to wear at all. Always been my problem telling people if they don't like it to shut the hell up and when I did sometimes I felt good and sometimes I felt guilty. She agreed when you're in healthy situations with people, you gravitate towards them vice versa and same with negative situations with people.

I told therapist that I have nowhere to go, why am I the odd ball in this? Have people in the past saw me as Wonder Woman or Xena who can kick ass by fighting these problems myself? I was crying in her office, had tears coming down my face the other day. She asked do you/did you want to emulate your sister? I said yea to be a strong, independent woman like she is to kick ass like the rest. I told her not sure how to else to put it but this is all true of why I am still in this situation a lot of fear with the opinions of others. Finding out life skills 11 yrs later has been really overwhelming which she completely agree. I have no interest in a 2nd job had a 2nd job lasted 10 days and the job is over. I've been at my job for a little over a year and I want to transition into full time now.

I told her I turned down the support group at their facility being that with schedule changes coming up and lack of coverage at work I have to put that as a priority over everything. She agreed and said your mental health is also important which I do agree too. I will look into the support groups later on when things settle.

I did reveal about my dad raping my mom's daughter who isn't his long ago before I was born. He was looking into my room when I would be sleeping and she screaming at him like no tomorrow like that has ever done anything. He also opened the bathroom door while I was washing my hair/showering I thought he was already gone to CA while he was talking to me about something had the soap in my eyes mom saw that asked him have you lost your mind? He said no all casual like always. Therapist said can't believe your mom doesn't find this to be a problem at all just yells/screams like that's gonna solve the problem. I got blamed for not locking the door, so I was suppose to predict him coming back?

She wants me to do a timeline of my life see what happened positively and negatively. She has no bullshitter attitude unlike ex-therapist she also agreed how the therapy with the ex-therapist was bizarre and not helpful - thank you! lol She asked me I saw that you reported parents to Adult Services, what happen? I said I just made a report, they filed it, and didn't ask for anyone to come out. She asked why and I said why do I need more drama? Drama when every time I report them either the employee has to come down, request to come down, or speak to either one of them on the phone has always resulted in me getting a severe mental beating equivalent of a severe beating. Granted there's drama either way you look at it, instead of people kissing their asses just press the damn charges against them never mind the business protocol where you can't overstep your boundaries a lot more boundaries need to be overstepped!

So yea, she said the therapy isn't gonna be helpful as long as I am still in that situation because it's way too toxic to work on the positives when the negatives will suck them dry which I agree. I'm like I did what people have told me get a job, save up money, then move out I've had every obstacle get in my way in my life. I was afraid of work didn't like the mistreatment I received with my first job it triggered so much shit from my parents. I realized after getting a job it isn't as bad as I thought granted you want to make sure a work environment doesn't have much drama where you can be safe and do your work. It's so hard to do when your job is part time....

She gave some numbers for transitional housing and before I didn't meet the requirements because I didn't have a job or with kids still don't have kids. One of them I recognize two of the names that I am gonna call and told therapist that my part time job doesn't allow me to support myself which is why I am still stuck. I am so tired of being denied help because I either don't have kids, don't have this or that! I wanna go to a transitional house, a house where it's me, myself and I not a shelter where I have to answer to everybody I am/want to be done answering to others it would feel like another hoarded environment. She asked me what are you afraid of? I said the fear of the unknown, the fear of doing it all on my own. She agreed it is scary she has been in situations where she had to deal with scary shit. Other fear is money, how am I gonna pay for this or that on such a salary that's on the poverty line.

She said lots of things will open up once you leave, but you have to want it. You can learn every healing technique but until you cut off the agreement with your parents, then the healing will take place. She asked me 5 traits about myself and told her 5, wrote them down and said you have the drive to do it I believe you can do it.

That's my update I see her again in 2 weeks. :) Don't get me wrong, I am not angry at what she said to me. I am not happy about being questioned on my level of ambition everything still takes money to do things; still waiting on the sister college I wanna work with.

Honestly, so tired of bombarding my boyfriend about my problems as I do want his support but I know there's nothing he can financially do for me as he isn't in a stable place either. I am gonna call the transitional housing tomorrow see what they will tell me...again. My ox is still in a ditch yet I am not sure what to do with such a small salary....

"Its about safety, the subconscious is doing all it can to protect you from pain. People asking you to let down your guard and deal with the issue is like telling a pregnant 14 year old to stop being pregnant."

Agreed. My ex-therapist did say I do put up a wall but I didn't see her for sexual abuse just childhood abuse. I have been trying to get myself to get out of protective mode but I do seem to be letting my guard and opening up.