Soulful --- My heart goes out to you. I'm reading this with tears in my eyes.
Whatever you do, please don't be so hard on yourself. You're only human. Sometimes we get pushed to the brink. I'd like to say that I wouldn't have done what you did but I can't say that with any certainty. When our daughter abused our trust and lied to us, I think back and am glad in a way that I didn't find all this out until well after the fact. What makes me glad that I found out after the fact, is that I can't say with any certainty that I wouldn't have given her a whupping at the time. That's how hurt, angry and betrayed I felt after I found out.
So, please know that you will always have my support as you work through all of this. You are a strong woman and those who know you best know the good, caring person you are.