Soulful! I can only imagine what must be going through inside of you at this point. You feel betrayed to the hilt, you feel helpless, unprepared, violated, raped, mocked, direspected, ripped apart, etc., etc., etc.
Try as I might, I would like to think that in a similar situation I would hold myself together, but I suspect I would go ballistic a lot sooner than you have.
All that being said - DON'T YOU DARE COME DOWN ON YOURSELF FOR HAVING REACTED OUT OF YOUR PAIN AND SHOCK!!!!! COME OUT OF THAT SELF-DESTRUCTION. -- )))NOW((( !!
You didn't cause this, you didn't deserve it, and a crazy emotional reaction is not helpful, but completely understandable. So don't allow the accusations to grab a hold of your soul. It's making me want to shout out to you so that you can hear me wherever in the nation you are.
PLEASE woman - there is nothing wrong with you, how dare guilt come into this picture. You can and will heal from this, but having unwarranted, self-defeating guilts will only slow the process and increase the pain and confusion. So grieve for as long as you need to, you have been the victim of a violent death, and you are reacting with what is left of you. Peace be still.
Now, my own conscience will not be clear if I don't say this, so I'll say it. When we run out of rope, and we can no longer keep afloat, there is One, and only One, who can do the seemingly impossible. You may have heard it all before and think to yourself that this is the answer for people with a weak intellect or whatever else, I get it, really I do.-- But you have nothing to lose, and belive it or not, everything to gain.-- Call out to Him out of whatever is left of you. Your circumstances may not change back to what you would have wanted, but you'll be the wholeperson you are meant to be, Jesus Christ IS the solution.