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Published: 10 years ago
This is a reply to # 1,874,291


Since the original post, I discovered email evidence that clearly indicated that my husband had been involved with someone else as a BDSM playmate.  He even addressed her by her dominatrix name in the email, and asked to "resched" their planned get-together.  To say that I was finally emotionally eviscerated would be an understatement.  I finally accepted that I had loved someone for 13 years that had been leading a double life and violating one of the most serious taboos for my stability in a relationship:  p 0 r n.  Not only was it p 0 r n, but it was of the most despicable, depraved, and violent sort.  Worse, I have no idea how many people he has been acting out with.  STD testing for me, next week.  Yippee.

Worse still, I attacked him in a violent rage when he defended this email as "mind games."  The woman with whom he was communicating lives nearby and his precise words in his email clearly requested that they could meet for another type of activity, like "hike, etc."  There was no "mind games" involved.

He has filed for an order of protection - I have not attempted to contact him since the attack, and I have been hysterical ever since.  This is not who I am - I am not a batterer, and there was never any history of violence during our 13 year "relationship."  Quite the opposite - I can count on 2 hands the number of very heated arguments that we had, and he always seemed so stable and reasonable, even if he was distant and emotionally unavailable.

I am in a severe state of grief, anxiety, and mourning - my rage has been replaced with 100% shame and guilt for my actions.  The day after the incident, I contacted the Domestic Violence Hotline to beg for a counselor so that I could understand why I behaved the way that I did and it took them 5 days to respond.  In the meantime, I saw our family physician (incoherently hysterical, of course) who asked why I believed that my spouse had been with someone else.  I refered to the contents of the bag and gave him a copy of the email that my spouse had sent.  The doctor was literally struck dumb - my husband had gone to his office, declared that he was "addicted to technology," and said that I had "accused" him of having an affair.  Another lie.

I have since found a counselor who has tried to tell me that I am not an abuser - this wasn't about him leaving the cap off of the toothpaste or leaving dirty underwear in the living room.  Still, and yet, I feel like the most horrible creature on earth for what I've done.  If I could take it back, I would, but I can't and I am responsible for what I did, regardless of the reason.  

I am having the most difficult time just going through the motions of living.  I feel as if I am a dead person walking, and I don't know how to forgive myself or forgive him for his diseases.  I honestly feel as if I have died.


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