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Published: 10 years ago


Just an update on what has transpired since my unfortunate (or, fortunate) discovery.  Unfortunate because it has shaken me down to my very core, and fortunate because I can finally explain various things throughout our marriage that didn't seem quite right.

I've been managing my fury in the most positive way that I can by turning that intense energy towards my work.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around what my spouse's deceptions have meant with regard to our relationship.  The implications are far-reaching and I am still behaving as if I intend to follow through with a divorce.  Whether or not I file and go through with this depends entirely upon him and his own healing processes.  I do not own his issues, nor will I.  I didn't enter into this marriage with the knowledge that he had these addictions, and it would have been quite a different matter had I chosen to do this.  As an example, if I agreed to marry someone that I knew was a recovering addict, I would be accepting the possibilities that this person might backslide and be prepared to work with their issues, as a unit.  Being blindsided by my husband's addictions compounded my fury because I never agreed to accept them as a part of our relationship.

So far, he has submitted to STD testing, without argument, and has begun his own individual counseling.  He asserts that he is beginning to grasp the scope of what his addiction(s) have caused and has asked for an opportunity to make things right.  I'm not sure that he clearly understands my feelings, and that will have to wait until we both meet with his therapist.  I am keeping a private journal of my rantings and ravings, and it is helpful. 

In the meantime, I'm putting my energies into my work and to rebuild strict boundaries that must apply to all people.  My errors in the past have been with regard to people that I care about - I routinely (without fail) lowered those boundaries so that loved ones or friends would be required to try so hard to earn my trust, etc.  This, for me, is an emotionally fatal flaw that I really have to address with intensity.  It's not that I'm being "mean" or excluding people for any reason other than that I've finally gotten the message:  boundaries should remain the same for everyone, including spouses or people whom I believe to be good friends.

At the moment, I don't believe in the concept of romantic love where I am concerned.  My past (and, current) experiences with romantic love have been disasters.  I have no interest in seeking a "happy ending" to my current situation.  What I'm interested in is learning the lesson and moving forward towards a whole-self change, spritually, physically, and emotionally. 

Finally, for those who feel that they are experiencing issues similar to mine in their own relationships, I would like to point out that we only have control over ourselves - we may be able to manipulate or coerce someone into going along with the program, but we are utlimately only responsible for our own choices.  If someone tells us that we are the cause of their issues, it's time to back way, way off and take stock of the relationship - I am not responsible for my husband's addictions, nor will I accept any ownership of them.  He is entirely responsible for his own choices and actions, and the blame can be be placed squarely on his shoulders. 

Blessings to all.


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