Your situation is very serious but I could sense a real strength in you from reading your post. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this at this time in your life. Sounds utterly horrific! xx
You have been chronically deceived and betrayed on so many levels. But it's a good thing you have gotten to some of these truths.
You HAVE WHAT it takes to make it through this and I think you know this deep down, and that it makes you feel guilty, b/c your husband may not. He may die from his addictions. You must survive this. He has made his choices and so you must too.
The rage attack was not the right thing to do but you are only human. And sometimes we just need to lash out somehow to get out the pain and utter frustration we feel at betrayal.
Some punch bags, some run miles, some just take off and go for a long walk. It sounds trite but these things do help.
(Lately I have been screaming into my pillow and then punching it some, lol. But it seems to help get me through another few weeks until I must do it again).
I don't know if you are in fact contemplating divorce b/c I haven't read much more on your situation, though I plan to.
This would make a difference in how one would approach the feelings involved for sure. Also I hope you don't mind my input but I felt compelled to drop a line of support.
Life doesn't always give us what we deserve but if we can just step outside ourselves for a moment and remember lovely, natural, serene things it can save our lives. It gets us away from all the split second decision making life requires of us. And takes our minds to a more natural state. Sounds silly-these are just some personal observations I have noticed.
You didn't have prior knowledge of his addictions before you were married and this would have been a deal breaker. This kind of misrepresentation should be ILLEGAL! His dishonesty from the beginning, means he is not the man you think he is. So the grieving is for a man who doesn't exist; a phantom.
Personally, I decided not to marry the alcoholic who was the love of my life b/c of his addiction, ah but life found other ways to be very unfair. It can seem like some kind of sick game the universe plays on us where we're damned if you do, damned if we don't. But this is not true.
Each situation is different and must be dealt with individually.
The balance is out of your life and much of this is not of your doing. You must take care of yourself when you are going through so much emotional pain. EAT, BREATHE.
BTW the things he is doing are of the devil and the devil is a liar. That's why it feels so confusing and baffling to the point of feeling you're going crazy at times. Don't let the deceiver win. If you get in the system for assault it may start a whole 'nother nightmare of convictions, loss of job, inability to obtain employment, etc.
YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS I PROMISE YOU. And many will be there to support you as you have reached out.