Thank you, very much, Blue Rose.  This has been a true "eye-opener," as They say...whomever "They" are.

Four people in Real Life are aware of what's transpired, and they are not involved in my everyday life.  My son has no idea, and I don't intend to inform him unless I take action.

At this time, my fury, hatred, and meanness have simmered down into this soup of hyper-watchfulness.  I'm watching my spouse to see if he truly intends to make changes for himself.  And, I'm taking it one moment at a time - I'm not looking towards the future, but focusing on the here-and-now.  I am still setting an exit strategy in place, though I need to talk to an attorney at some point, soon. 

Where my own behavior is concerned, I have noticed that I'm fighting the desire to settle into denial:  to actively believe that my spouse will continue his therapy and that our "relationship" will heal.  I really have to work on this because statistics with regard to successful outcomes from porn addiction aren't very promising.  And, the type of porn that he was interested in is of the worst kind.  This is his addiction, not mine, and I refuse to accept any part of it as acceptable or something to be "understood."  It takes a long, long time to manage any addiction, but pornography presents its own, unique complications, especially for men. 

This is going to be a long, nasty process whichever way it goes. 

Thanks, again, for your encouragement - I am living in a space where genuine friendship and support is more valuable than Life, itself, and I truly appreciate your help.

Brightest blessings.

Soulful!  I can only imagine what must be going through inside of you at this point.  You feel betrayed to the hilt, you feel helpless, unprepared, violated, raped, mocked, direspected, ripped apart, etc., etc., etc. 

Try as I might, I would like to think that in a similar situation I would hold myself together, but I suspect I would go ballistic a lot sooner than you have.

All that being said - DON'T YOU DARE COME DOWN ON YOURSELF FOR HAVING REACTED OUT OF YOUR PAIN AND SHOCK!!!!!  COME OUT OF THAT SELF-DESTRUCTION. -- )))NOW(((  !!

You didn't cause this, you didn't deserve it, and a crazy emotional reaction is not helpful, but completely understandable.  So don't allow the accusations to grab a hold of your soul.  It's making me want to shout out to you so that you can hear me wherever in the nation you are.

PLEASE woman - there is nothing wrong with you, how dare guilt come into this picture.   You can and will heal from this, but having unwarranted, self-defeating guilts will only slow the process and increase the pain and confusion.  So grieve for as long as you need to, you have been the victim of  a violent death, and you are reacting with what is left of you.  Peace be still.

Now, my own conscience will not be clear if I don't say this, so I'll say it.  When we run out of rope, and we can no longer keep afloat, there is One, and only One, who can do the seemingly impossible.  You may have heard it all before and think to yourself that this is the answer for people with a weak intellect or whatever else,  I get it, really I do.-- But you have nothing to lose, and belive it or not, everything to gain.--  Call out to Him out of whatever is left of you.  Your circumstances may not change back to what you would have wanted, but you'll be the whole person you are meant to be,  Jesus Christ IS the solution.

Beauty for Ashes

The spath has determined to proceed with the charges of domestic violence.  This could ruin the rest of my life as far as getting employed.  He's doing it because his mommy (THE target of his deviances) is urging him to do so.  Oh, well .... it is what it is and I'll just have to get through all of this, somehow.

I still don't have computer access, so I am only online so infrequently, but if anyone out there has read past posts (WAY past), and the most recent ones in an attempt to define their own situation of abuse, please take this to heart:  no matter how angry we get, we have to just walk away instead of taking the course of action that I did.  If it's too much to bear, leave or have THEM removed - do not make my mistake!

The horrific discoveries were bad enough.  Ending this seemingly idyllic relationship is worse.  Realizing that this person that I loved so dearly and trusted so completely is a 100% fraud was worse, still.  But, facing charges of Domestic Violence only compounds the situation by zillions, and the Law is static - it does not recognize depth of betrayal, abuse of joint finances, dishonesty, or shattered trust.  The Law only says that any attack is wrong, and I will have to stand accountable for that, in Court. 

I'll make it through this, whichever way it goes.  I thank CureZone Members for their support and encouragement.  And, I thank Great Creator that this discovery happened now, instead of later.

My very brightest blessings to all who are in despair and lost. 

To a degree, I agree with your explanation of choosing partners - I believed my spouse to be "safe," loving, and worthy of trust.  I was chosen by him to represent a cloak of respectability, as a nurturing mother figure, and as a cash cow.

I am addressing my own issues through counseling, and I have never claimed that I am "innocent," nor am I blameless for my situation.  There were red flags, all along, and I chose to ignore them or excuse them. 

Although he didn't deserve a physical attack, I did not deserve to be bilked out of nearly 250K, being placed at risk for STD's, and to discover that the spouse was not only having an affair, but engaging in a violence-related activity that included paying a large sum of money to attend gatherings of such like-minded people.

To clarify, what two consenting adults do is none of my business.  When a person who is bound by a contract of marriage makes the conscious choice to deceive their spouse and conduct a double life that is dangerous and entertains femicide, torture, and genital mutilation, it's morally, ethically, and in all ways WRONG.