Re: Stressed about seeing my sexual abuser, PLEASE HELP

"It took me 15 years to finally tell my mom about the abuse and at first she was at defensive and did act like a wasn't a big deal... My mom has not helped me at all, at first she actually tried to blame me."

This explains why it is hard for you to get over it. Even if she was supportive, which she isn't, it is not easy getting over troubles from childhood. But having an unsupportive mother makes it harder.

" I'm really scared of how'd everyone would react and especially of how my uncle would react"

Considering your mothers reaction, you are probably right that others would try to blame you. That type of response is the most frequent one. And people in families usually have same value systems and learned responses. There are even countries in this world where "rape" is considered an impossibility: if a woman says she was raped, the defense there is that anyone can defend themselves from a rape, that penetration becomes impossible if the woman doesn't want to cooperate. Hence, if there was an actual penetration, it was not a rape, it was "voluntary" according to them as much as it seems incredible to us. I am only mentioning this to illustrate how ridiculous people can be.

Yes, some people, even nations, and certainly families live in illusions. This is not accidental though: it serves a very definite purpose - it allows them to continue to abuse other people while feeling that they are moraly OK. The same thing applies to your mother and probably grandparents: they all know each other all too well. Your mother probably knew or felt that leaving you with your uncle was dangerous. She had two choices: admitting that she was irresponsible and showing remorse over it, or trying to blame you and pretend it was not a big deal. The first choice takes some character and integrity as well as humility and she has none of that. The second choice is an easier one. The only thing you could do with her is to try to wake up some emotion in her by being very honest and expressing your feelings and needs really well. Like "That's not a response of a loving mother..." or "Do you care about the pain and suffering that happened to your own child?". Some (very few) people wake up when they hear strong words like that, but most just become more agressive or defensive.

However, be all that as it may, see if you can bring yourself to tell your dilemma to your grandparents. Tell them everything like "xmass is approaching and it brings me to something terrible that happened and I need your help with it..." and see how they react. Make sure your uncle is not around when you are telling them the whole story. They also have those two options like your mother. If they show absolute and full support then great, I am sure you'll have many more family x-masses and they'll make a deal with your uncle to not be present in any way when you are coming. But if they take the easier route, which may be either blaming you or trying to discount the whole thing like "Oh, he was just playing, don't take it badly..." then you know how much they "love" you. Not much. Not because you don't deserve to be loved, but because they don't know what love is. They couldn't love anyone, and most certainly don't even love themselves. So the problem is not you, but them. (that is if they turn out to be like your mother which they most likely will). Some people don't see colors, some can't drive, some can't cook, and some cannot be bothered to learn to love. And just like you would avoid a bad driver on a street, you need to stay away from those unsupportive types.

And then you come to that same thing I already wrote about: you realize that family is no guarantee of love and support. It would be nice and normal, but that's usually not the case. Then the next step is when you realize that love and support are in big deficit on this planet, and start choosing your friends and girlfriends very carefully.

To be able to fully get over this terrible experience it is essential to have emotional support. Someone who can feel what you feel, and go through it with you. This is parents' responsibility, but your mom is not capable of it. Maybe your dad? Or someone else in the family, someone you can trust? Your therapist should be able to offer the same, but most therapists are afraid of being emotionaly open with their clients as it opens doors to many problems (clients will actually turn their anger onto the therapist and then the whole therapy is ruined)... but a good friend, girlfriend, relative, can be just as supportive. Just make sure you choose carefully and be ready to turn your back to those who are not supportive. Keep in mind that you didn't have an example of what "support" means so you could easily walk into more abusive relationships and not even know it. Observe others who are happy and confident and copy their ways. And do not try to burry these emotions, they are like wounds, and they do take time to heal. You are well on your way to healing them completely. Tweet