• Wish this forum was still active. I'm so stuck.   AngelofEventide   12 y  713
  
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  Wish this forum was still active. I'm so stuck.

  Don't even know where to start and makes no sense typing it all out, since this forum isn't active anymore. Oh well.

   
  

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  Do I tell my husband or spare him the worry?   AngelofEventide   16 y  2,985
  
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  Do I tell my husband or spare him the worry?

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  Hi Bella,
  
  My husband is deployed in Iraq and will be until August of next year. I have ongoing autoimmune problems including Systemic Candida, Epstein Barr, Hypothryoidism, to name a few. My husband knows of my conditions and has always been very supportive.
  
  Yesterday I was with my mom at her dermatology appt. While there, I asked the doctor to look at my face, as I have these strange indentations and trough like things all over my face. At 42, while I know wrinkles are possible, these aren't wrinkles and not acne scars. The doctor examined it closely and told me that I need to get into my military doctor ASAP, to get a referral to a dermatologist. She told me I need to get a biopsy on my face, as she highly suspects Scleroderma. I was devastated. Bella, I have had to deal with so much in my life and it feels like this is yet another blow to my psyche. I feel like I have no control over things in my life and I feel so scared right now.
  
  My family does not think I should tell my husband, because they don't want me to put any more stress on him that he already has. However, my husband and I don't keep secrets from one another and I know he would be very upset if I didn't tell him right away. I also feel like I need his support through this really frightening time in my life. Am I being selfish for wanting to tell him, or am I being selfish if I don't tell him. Thank you.
  
  Kir

   
  

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  • Hi Kir, If it makes you more comfortable, tell ...   AskBella   16 y  2,456
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,319,280

    Hi Kir, If it makes you more comfortable, tell your husband. It sounds like the two of you have a supportive relationship and that his support is a benefit to you. What you need right now is ....

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    Hi Kir,
    
    If it makes you more comfortable, tell your husband. It sounds like the two of you have a supportive relationship and that his support is a benefit to you.
    
    What you need right now is support. Whether it comes from far away (your husband), those around you, friends, this forum ... turn to it and access it ...
    
    Also, you might try spending some time alone to ground yourself. Can you get into bed, on your back, hands at your sides, and feel your breath. Do this for a bit, breathe...
    Then tell yourself that you accept your body. That you love yourself, and that you are safe. And breathe.
    
    Notice that there is love all around you. Try to access this by stilling yourself and opening your heart to it. (Fear can block us from accessing this love.)
    
    If you feel comfortable, you can put your hands over the areas of your body that are giving you distress (your face, your organs). Hold them there. This can allow you to channel universal love, you can heal yourself through your hands, through touch.
    
    Yes, see a doctor, but realize that doctors are trained at intervention/triage/treatment ... and what is going on with you may be coming from other areas of your being - stressful emotions or feelings of uncertainty or doubt.
    
    Do your best right now to surround yourself with love and support and when the fear comes up, tell it (like you would a frightened child) that you will be okay. Because being okay, being healed, being well, and feeling love is an option.
    
    Good luck and let us know how you do.
    
    Bella

     
    

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  Spiritual Problem Solving   askbella   16 y  2,449
  
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  Spiritual Problem Solving

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  From Wayne Dyers, "Spiritual Solution to Every Problem":
  
  "My personal understanding of spiritual practice is that it is a way of making my life work at a higher level and of receiving guidance for handling problems. The ways in which I personally do this involve a few simple, but basic practices. I have enumerated them here in my own order of significance."
  
  (These do not include his explanations, only the items on the list)
  
  1) Surrender
  2) Love
  3) Infinite
  4) Empty Mind
  5) Generosity and Gratefulness
  6) Connectedness
  7) Cheerfulness
  
  (Dyer, in this book, also tells us - and this is taken from A Course in Miracles - that "problems are illusions.")
  
  
  
  (can be found on Google Books:
  http://books.google.com/books?id=O3s_maSAyHsC&dq=Wayne+Dyer+Spiritual+Solutio...
  
  
  

   
  

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  • Re: Spiritual Problem Solving   zeus10   10 y  1,465
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,286,709

    Re: Spiritual Problem Solving

    Thank you!!

     
    

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  Healing and Bach Flower Essence Remedies.   askbella   16 y  4,390
  
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  Healing and Bach Flower Essence Remedies.

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  Of the many healing approaches out there, one that I've come to love as gently balancing and very effective is Bach flower remedies.
  
  I take three daily. The transformation has been gradual - but steady and with a clear progression.
  
  I encourage those here on the board, and anyone reading, to consider learning a bit about these tinctures.
  
  For those who have an "overconcern for the welfare of loved ones," there is Red Chestnut:
  
  
  http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/38/redchest.htm
  
  
  For those who are unable to say no, there is Centaury:
  
  
  http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/38/centaury.htm
  
  
  The full list is here:
  
  
  http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm
  
  
  How they work:
  
  Dr Edward Bach said about the flower remedies: "They cure, not by attacking the disease, but by flooding our bodies with the beautiful vibrations of our Higher Nature, in the presence of which, disease melts away as snow in the sunshine."
  
  Essences work through harmonic resonance. All essences have a positive vibration, and by taking the right essence, negative thought patterns are dissolved and the positive harmonious vibrations of the remedy replace any disharmony in the person. With most essences a person takes a number of drops a few times a day for a couple of weeks. Some essences work much faster than this and only need to be taken once or twice for a number of days, while others may be taken for a few months or even longer.
  
  Emotional and physical illness can be healed by balancing and treating our subtle energy bodies – the astral, etheric, mental and causal bodies. These subtle energy bodies play a major role in maintaining our good health.
  
  Einstein's theory of relativity, E=mc2, states that energy, matter and the speed of light are all related. Einstein shows we are coherent fields of energy vibrating in such a way that we feel we are individuals with physical bodies, senses and consciousness. Vibrational medicine is the use of one form of energy frequency, such as the vibration of an essence, to alter the energy vibration of a person and bring them back into balance. In the same way that Einstein's theory of relativity and quantum mechanics has completely changed science, Dr Richard Gerber sees vibrational medicine as transforming medicine as a whole. Other medicines that work using vibrations include homoeopathy, aromatherapy, acupuncture, reiki, qi gong, and sound and colour healing. Also, allopathic doctors recognise the value of vibrational medicine in their use of ultrasound equipment for diagnosis.
  
  Grant Lambert, the maker of the Falling Leaf Essences, says, "\"The action is due either to the small number of molecules released during the essence preparation, or to a subtle energy released into the water. Evidence favours the latter hypothesis. It is a different paradigm or starting assumption that every plant, gem, or molecule has a subtle life force energy or spirit."
  
  (Taken from
  http://www.wellbeing.com.au/natural_health_articles?cid=7163&pid=17571)
  
  

   
  

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  • Bella, thanks for the great post. I’m actually ta...   angelofeventide   16 y  3,435
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,276,536

    Bella, thanks for the great post. I’m actually taking Bach right now - Rescue Remedy and Sweet Chestnut. I’m going to add Minnimus tomorrow. Since my husband has been deployed, my anxiety has b ....

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    Bella, thanks for the great post. I'm actually taking Bach right now - Rescue Remedy and Sweet Chestnut. I'm going to add Minnimus tomorrow. Since my husband has been deployed, my anxiety has been off the charts (not normal for me) and I find when I take the first two together, it does help. I know I'm not taking them regularly enough to make a difference, but after reading your post, I'm thinking maybe I should make a habit of taking them regularly. Thank you again for your story.
    
    Kir

     
    

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    • Sure, Kir. Glad to hear that you’re turned on to B...   askbella   16 y  3,375
      
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      This is a reply to # 1,276,867

      Sure, Kir. Glad to hear that you’re turned on to Bach. They’re great! I do take mine every day, just two drops of each in a little bit of water and sip it throughout the day... They recommend t ....

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      Sure, Kir. Glad to hear that you're turned on to Bach. They're great! I do take mine every day, just two drops of each in a little bit of water and sip it throughout the day...
      
      They recommend taking them every few days for several weeks, but I've been taking mine regularly for several months and immediately saw results with one remedy, and am seeing more gradual progress with the others...
      
      Warm regards,
      
      Bella.

       
      

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      • Reputable place to buy Bach?   CyrusSteel   16 y  3,439
        
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        This is a reply to # 1,277,052

        Reputable place to buy Bach?

        Hi, Im looking into Bach Flower's for well being and was wondering a reputable site to buy from? What form do you suggest purchasing them in, such as tinctures? Thanks much!

         
        

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        • Hi Cyrus, Thanks for your note. I think it’s a ...   askbella   16 y  3,522
          
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          This is a reply to # 1,287,085

          Hi Cyrus, Thanks for your note. I think it’s a great idea for you to look into Bach Flower Remedies. They are tinctures, and they look like this: http://www.directlyfromnature.com/Bach ....

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          Hi Cyrus,
          
          Thanks for your note. I think it's a great idea for you to look into Bach Flower Remedies.
          
          They are tinctures, and they look like this:
          
          
          http://www.directlyfromnature.com/BachEssences.htm
          
          
          You can buy them directly from this link - and also use this link as a way to identify which ones you may need.
          
          I live near a city and several local health food stores here carry them. So that's how I buy mine. If you live more remotely, they could be harder to find. So ordering online is a good idea.
          
          And if you need some help selecting which ones are right for you, please don't hesitate to let me know.
          
          All best!
          
          Bella.

           
          

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  I have alot on my plate   #102899   16 y  3,898
  
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  I have alot on my plate

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  Hi Bella,
  
  Where do i even begin i have so much on my heart and mind at the moment. I've been going through some things at the moment. Concerning my myself, family and current job.
  See with my family. Which consist of my mother older brother and of age but younger sisters. I am the second of all of us and in late twenties. Every since I was sixteen I have been supporting my family and pratically helped raised them. But till this day I don't know. I've experience a lot failure and I don't feel like I'm living my life. Because right now my mother is financially unstable and she needs a job with more hours days. But whenever I mention somewhere is hiring i get ignored or a okay or no response. Sometimes I feel like they use me but then i feel guilty if I don't help her them. Like everything's in my name at the moment, the apartment, bills everything and i'm trying to get it where its in her name. So I can go on my own later on. But she always once again gets upset or ignores me. I feel like she does want me to be happy or always making feel guilty. My siblings also do that to me like they owe me money and I ask that pay me back get no response but walk out the room or ignore me or turn up the volume on the Television. Or they'll say I'm starting trouble and i need to be quiet. Right now most of my financial debt accumalated to where it is because of helping them and believing they would pay me back. It is so bad that my credit has suffered. I have told them but they don't seem to care. I have been keeping a lot inside to where its making feel depressed and walk around emptied. All this is just holding me back to persueing my own goals and dreams in life. I have put aside alot of things and missed alot of great opportunities. I'm in my late twenties now and i feel like i have nothing and haven't accomplish anything but cater to them and receive nothing but critism from them.
  Now for my job. I'm going through some things there dealing with some of my coworkers. They've been gossiping and spreading rumors around about me. This really is causing me lately to stress out and become depressed. But I have some good days and not so good days.I am a good person, treat everybody with respect and I take good care of myself always. I was told from someone there who heard all the things said about me and that person has always been good to me. That I was crazy, strange, weird and most of all I smell really bad. This has cause so many to not associate with me anymore and doing little things like dropping bottles of body wash soaps and deoderants in my work area. This has gave me an incredibly tarnish reputation. I get alot of stares, dirty looks, whispers and many days rude comments. I do ignore it but it hurts me so bad. I try so hard not to let it get me down but it went from the job to outside the job. So no matter where i go i have to deal with this from others. I remember people use to respect me and enjoyed working with me but now there is a major distance. I am really to myself at work and hard worker but i just don't understand it. I spend some of my days in extreme anxieties and worries that i'm going to be fired over this. Because some are pushing for someone to say something to me. I have brought it up to the head over us that maybe it would be best to go on night shift and I don't understand why some are doing this to me. But then I thought would that be wise and that would be like i'm running and hiding when I done nothing wrong. To be honest I feel awful being there uncomfortable and just singled out all the time. I thought maybe when time goes by maybe everybody would put there focus on something else but they are not. I've been looking around for another job but having no luck and I'm thinking about moving back to another state I use to live in. But I don't know anymore I'm just feeling down and alone about this. There's nobody I can talk to because everybody just ignores me or talks over me especially all my family. I really do try not to let this bother me but it does. Everything from my coworkers family and everybody else is making it hard for me to trust and focus on my goals. I'm trying to get things in order in my life but I'm failing in everything i'm trying to work towards. I feel like I have so much on my plate. Like alot of baggage. I don't what to do? Or what to change or where to even begin?
  
  

   
  

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  • Hello 102889, Thanks so much for reaching out. ...   askbella   16 y  3,362
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,276,328

    Hello 102889, Thanks so much for reaching out. It does sound as though you have a lot on your plate! Why are you and all your siblings still living together at home? Do you have any alone ti ....

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    Hello 102889,
    
    Thanks so much for reaching out. It does sound as though you have a lot on your plate!
    
    Why are you and all your siblings still living together at home? Do you have any alone time? If so, how do you spend it? What have you done for yourself lately that helps to recharge you or make you feel good?
    
    See, I think you're scared. And please don't take this the wrong way. In fact, I can identify myself in everything you say.
    
    I found this line you wrote toward the bottom of your post to be something you might want to consider.
    
    You wrote: "Everything from my coworkers family and everybody else is making it hard for me to trust and focus on my goals."
    
    One question is this: Are *you* making it hard for *you* to trust your goals? To stay focused? And are you doing so by simply *allowing* others to make it hard for you?
    
    Certainly the people around you will keep taking taking taking as long as you're giving giving giving, right? That's pretty clear. As these people are not thinking about your needs, and from the sound of it, they may never. So why do you keep giving? Why are you putting them above yourself?
    
    I think you sound like a very courageous, strong, and generous person, but I'd like to get at why you are *allowing* other people to take up your time, your resources, your money, your energy and, essentially, your life. That's precious stuff that belongs to you. What happens when that's taken from you is you end up feeling resentful, angry, and hurt . . . and you lose your way. And then other people around you - people at work or wherever - respond to that.
    
    I'm not saying that the people at work have any right saying what they do. But it sounds to me that you are carrying around one heavy burden. And people just tend to act badly around other people with heavy burdens.
    
    While I read your note, I thought to myself, I sure hope this person can get out of that house and go on their own. Then you mentioned moving back to the state you previously lived in. I don't know if that's right ffor you or not now, but separating from your family for a while - until you can find ways to take better care of yourself and establish some clearer boundaries - sounds like a good idea.
    
    Try starting with transferring all your bills out of your name. If you have some money put aside, do not give any more of it to your family. Take it and find yourself an apartment.
    
    That's the first step.
    
    The second is to either show up at work smiling and without a care in the world (i.e., don't let those people get to you - but rather detach) or find a new job in a less negative environment. I think getting out of this situation with your family is going to help you tremendously in adopting a more positive attitude. And people will respond to you.
    
    Like attracts like. :)
    
    You're not a victim - to anyone. And you're certainly not a victim to yourself. What are those goals you mentioned? Tell me some. I'd love to hear about them. How can you begin to implement them? Is there something that scares you about meeting a goal or about doing something just for you? If so, feel free to write that here too.
    
    The third step - once you've cleared the air in the workplace (by not allowing negativity to affect you and not bringing negativity to work) and once you've removed yourself from your family and their financial demands - find a trusted therapist (I'm happy to give you a referral if you write to me privately) or life coach you can work with on some of those goals. And if you want to work through e-mail or phone, you can contact me privately.
    
    Sometimes it's easier to point the finger and blame others for standing in our way - but more often than not, we're the only ones standing there, blocking ourselves from the real joy that awaits us.
    
    Oh, and for some reason, this book came to mind. You may want to check it out.
    http://www.amazon.com/Meantime-Finding-Yourself-Love-Want/dp/0684848066/ref=p...
    It's a lot about relationships, but this is striking me right now as something you could use. If you haven't read Iyanla Vanzant, just put her name into Amazon and see the book titles that come up. There are some good ones.
    
    Also, this is another title that is only a penny right now on Amazon. This has helped many people who have difficult time setting boundaries and saying no:
    
    http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?i...
    
    
    I send you love and light, welcome you to contact me more post more here, and encourage you to consider getting out of your own way so that you can begin living that life you're referring to in between the lines of "taking care" of everyone else.
    
    Sincerely,
    
    Bella
    

     
    

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    • Hi Bella Thank you for responding to my post. ...   Beautiful26   16 y  3,395
      
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      This is a reply to # 1,276,519

      Hi Bella Thank you for responding to my post. The reason why some of us still living together. Is because one of my sisters is going off to college in january. The other is now in college. T ....

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      Hi Bella
      
      Thank you for responding to my post.
      
      The reason why some of us still living together. Is because one of my sisters is going off to college in january. The other is now in college. The other lives here still and the other lives on her own about to get married. My brother whose the oldest out of all of us. To be honest, he did live on his own but moved back home to help pay some of the rent and bills. But in my opinion and from what i notice before and now. I feel he doesn't want to live on his own but rather be here permanently working and all. Because of expenses.
      Last, for myself. I do want to be on my own and trying to go. But they're always in financial situations to where I have to step in and help them out. Which sets me back. They are my family and if I don't it affects all of us. To be honest I am not scared to at all to be on my own. As a child I felt very much on my own even though my family was around me. My father died when I was eight and I made a promise to him that I would always look out and help my sisters and mother. So I had to take on a lot of responsibilities from that age and older. Like helping out with raising my sisters to getting my first job when i was old enough. To help putting food on the table, clothes on their backs and to making sure they have whatever else they needed. Well any way enough of that.
      Now for my mother. She has been there for us growing up and stuff. I love her but I feel like she depends on me to make all the decisions, take care of the bills, she does help out whenever she can but lately mostly me, some my brother take care of the bills. She does have a job but they give her one to three days a week. I have told her many times she has to get a better job or second job that is full time. Because I'm working toward eliminating my debt and focusing on make myself better from within and most of all because I got to go. But at the same time I don't want them to end up on the street. Because they can't get apartments in there names at the moment. But I did find out from landlord that they could switch over into there names because previous landlord didn't lift judgments that shouldn't been on credit reports. But she has to go in there and do it. But keeps stalling everytime I keep mentioning it. I guess a lot of guilt is what gets to me and I love my mother with all my heart. She is a very good woman and she has been there for us. But I just feel lately she's been sitting back lately. Too what's bugging me if I leave her now where would she be. That's what gets me. She is my mother.
      To be honest I'm not making it hard on myself and I do trust my goals. I am talented, very gifted. I mastered my artistic abilities over the years as an artists, musicians, writer, fashion designing. So i've been drawing and painting since the age of four, I write a lot of songs and poetry. I play the guitar and keyboards. I'm also into designing clothing and sewing and creating things with my hands. I'm trying to work towards creating my poetry book which is almost completed, a children's book that I started working on, I am working on creating a demo to persue a music career and the fashion I am working on creating my own brand a clothing line. I'm dabbling in everything that I love and good at. But most of all I'm signing up this week for online classes to go back to school to get my business degree. That is something I need to do and always dreamed of doing. So I'm not worried I know I'm going to do well.
      I do and have always believed in myself. Growing up I had to believe in myself. Because everybody around me never did but rooting for me to fail and doubted me always. I was told that a lot to my face that I was lazy, a nobody and never going to amount to anything. From family members to others. But I knew and still know that's not true. But I still feel it has damaged me in some way. I feel that is a part of why I have trust issues. Because of not only that but a lot of other things coming up. I have work through some of those issues and still trying to work out the rest of those issues today. I have faith and know I will.
      I have thought about actually going and seeing a therapist. I have looked around and i'm trying to find a good one and also a life couch. Both would be good for me.
      I have been reading a lot books concerning this and self improvement books too. I have also mentioned doing family counseling to my family thinking it may be good for all of us. I know I do have issues with saying no and plus they don't listen to me but talk over me or walk out the room. I know, need and want to be on my own. But I'm trying to get them all to step up and take care more of themselves.
      
      Sorry its so long.
      

       
      

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      • Hi Beautiful26, Thanks for providing me with mo...   askbella   16 y  3,219
        
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        This is a reply to # 1,277,221

        Hi Beautiful26, Thanks for providing me with more information. Here’s what I would recommend for you. Make a list - either here or for yourself - of what living with and taking care of your ....

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        Hi Beautiful26,
        
        Thanks for providing me with more information.
        
        Here's what I would recommend for you. Make a list - either here or for yourself - of what living with and taking care of your family is offering you. Maybe it is "comfort" or "company" or "alleviating guilt" or "connection" - whatever words come to mind.
        
        Then write how it is causing you harm - in other words, how it is damaging or how it is keeping you in "your story" (the one where you are told you aren't good enough) or that it makes you feel even more guilty, it keeps you from meeting people, or it exhausts you. Or, simply, it makes you feel sad or tired.
        
        One thing I'm hearing is that you have a lot of creative interests and that living with your family is providing you some flexibility to explore those interests. Perhaps if you were living on your own you wouldn't have that opportunity?
        
        Maybe living with your family is also giving you some insight into who you are and what you want - or making you more clear about what you *don't* want ... :)
        
        Maybe you don't have to change a thing right now but just be more aware of what this situation is providing for you as a soul here in this body and on this path.
        
        Also, can you state the one reason you are not moving out and living your own life? I know you stated several reasons in your most recent post, but what I'm hearing is all very guilt-based.
        
        Another list you might want to make (along with the two I suggested above) is what your fears are around living your own life and moving out from the roof you share with your family. Are you afraid it will make you a "bad person" or that they will starve without you? Are you afraid you may be lonely or that you don't really know how to live without them?
        
        Guilt, doubt, fear, uncertainty, as any spiritual guides will tell you, are all "lower" energies - they attract more of the same - fear, doubt, guilt . . . and they don't allow those higher energies in -
        
        High energies are love, faith, abundance.
        
        That promise to your father is pretty powerful. And I respect and admire your keeping that promise. But perhaps there are other interpretations of this promise. Is taking care of yourself *first* the better way to take care of your mother and sister? By coming to them from a place of love, rather than a place of guilt?
        
        That's one interpretation.
        
        Your fear seems to be that the whole family will fall apart without you taking care of them. But, again, fear is a lower energy. Loving your family may not at all mean living with them, giving them money, or allowing them to not keep their promises with you (changing their name on a bill, etc). Loving can simply mean knowing your boundaries and knowing that you must take care of yourself *first* in order to be able to *lovingly* take care of anyone else.
        
        I suspect that if you made it clear to your family that it is time you move out - give them ample notice - switch all the bills (even escort your mother to the office where she has to sign to have things put in her name) - and then follow-through with your plan, your family will actually survive - they'll have to. They will find a way.
        
        This may not feel like a loving act to you. But with some faith (again, that higher energy) I think you'll see soon enough what a difference this act will make in your life, how your relationship to yourself will change from changing your relationship with your family. How easy it will be to have boundaries with coworkers, friends, and in relationships. How much better you'll get at saying no and at having faith in yourself and trusting you.
        
        Trust comes when we know that we are surrounded, at all times, by God, and that we are being led to our highest self.
        
        But I am hearing that you're not quite ready for this step yet, so I'm asking you to be aware of what that hesitation might be.
        
        If you'd like to keep posting here, please do; otherwise, feel free to click on my name at the top to contact me privately about coaching or a therapy referral.
        
        I wish you lots of light and love.
        
        Bella.
        
        

         
        

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      • Lilagirl, First off, so sorry to hear what you ...   angelofeventide   16 y  3,226
        
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        This is a reply to # 1,277,221

        Lilagirl, First off, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Bella has given you great advice and hopefully you will get something from it. I just wanted to pass on something that I have ....

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        Lilagirl,
        
        First off, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Bella has given you great advice and hopefully you will get something from it. I just wanted to pass on something that I have witnessed first hand, in my own life.
        
        My husband comes from a very disfunctional family. His father died about 7 years ago and at his father's request, he tried to stay close with his mom. They have never had a close relationship and his mother makes sure that it's that way. I won't bore you with her problems. Anyway, my husband did what he could for the longest time, but she never acknowledges him, pretends he doesn't call and then asks him why he doesn't call her, doesn't take an interest in his life, etc. She is a very selfish person, but that is her issue, not ours. Unfortunately, it has cost her the relationship of 2 of her 3 kids. Long story short, my husband finally had to cut all ties with her. Not only has his mother basically kicked dirt into his face metaphorically, but now his one remaining sister (the one who didn't leave home when she was younger) is also shunning him, for reasons we don't understand.
        
        This is my point. You are an adult. You have gone above and beyond what would be expected of you as an adult, let alone as a child. As much as you may love your mother, she is not acting very loving towards you. The roles seem to be reserved and you seem to be the parent and she the child. At some point, you may need to just cut ties with your family, even if only temporarily. To be blunt, it is my opinion that they are using you and will continue to do so, as long as you are always there to bail them out. They act like the kind of people who have no need to find work because you are supporting them, and always there to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately, you may never see the money back from your siblings, but chalk it up to a good life lesson, don't lend them any more money, no matter what sob story they come up with, and move quickly on with your own life, in your own place. I understand about the guilt - I really do. Been there, done that. But in the long run, you will feel so much better about yourself, feel happy and like you are finally working towards your goals and until you put your foot down and say, no more!
        
        I used to be a major doormat for people. I have no one to blame but myself, because instead of standing up for myself and putting my foot down, I just let people walk all over me, so that I would make them happy. I am a what is known as a people pleaser and you sound like you could be one as well. But I reached my limit and finally put my foot down. The day I finally decided to grow a spine, stand up for myself and put my needs before everyone else's, the day good things started to come into my life. I wish you the best of luck and just know that only you can live your life. You can't live everyone else's or make it right for them. You have the power to change your world and end your servitude to your family.
        
        Kirstin

         
        

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        • Kirsten gave you some very good answers. Guilt is...   DesertDance   16 y  3,272
          
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          This is a reply to # 1,279,690

          Kirsten gave you some very good answers. Guilt is a toughy! What right did your father have at your young little age to ask you such a thing, when he (through a choice not his) left! He had NO ....

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          Kirsten gave you some very good answers. Guilt is a toughy! What right did your father have at your young little age to ask you such a thing, when he (through a choice not his) left! He had NO right to lay that burden on you!
          
          You are God's special creation, he loves you, has plans for you and your gifts. Let the old guilt go, buy them all a lottery scratch off as your final parting gift, move out, and go on your own. You can still buy them scratch off's of course!!
          
          They all sound like adults and they need to be responsible for themselves! Maybe set your siblings a good example and show them how to move out and go on their own....
          
          My heart goes out to you. I know you are trying to do the right thing, and the right thing may have a definition different than you know.
          
          You got some good advice here! Good luck to you!
          

           
          

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  • Thanks for the posts. I just wanted to sa...   Beautiful26   16 y  3,315
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,276,328

    Thanks for the posts. I just wanted to say my parents my father and my mother are very good individuals. They both worked really hard to give me and my siblings a better life. So I’m not ....

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    Thanks for the posts.
    
    
    I just wanted to say my parents my father and my mother are very good individuals. They both worked really hard to give me and my siblings a better life. So I'm not or never will be mad that he ask me and my brother (being that were where the two odlest) before the day he died to help my mother with my other four siblings. He is and always been a good man that always took care of, loved and proud of his family. Working seven days a week and twenty hour days. He was an incredible person that was well respected and love by everybody. So is my mother too. But after my father my mother always did the best she could for us. It was really hard for. Had no help from nobody and she had to do it on her own raising six kids and all. But to be honest I'm never mad at either of them. I could never be. I appreciate, love and always respect them both. They are both really great parents. but from sixteen to up until now is where my mother and my siblings changed. They didn't use to be that way. But i have been talking to them lately about how I feel and some of them are starting coming around. I have talked about family couseling to get to issue of this. I never considered my family disfunctional (we are not but have some issues like every other family) and never could I ever be mad at my mother my father or siblings. For those others or relatives I was mad at in the past. I forgave a long time ago in my heart. It's today in this present moment they need to change their ways and themselves. Because they never use to be this way so dependent on me, if they'd borrowed money from me they'd pay me back, and my mother t is always honest but lately my siblings not so honest. they are all incredible hard working individuals. They just lack responsibility, some motivation, independence and honesty(my siblings) They do work but some of them are tight with there money or don't help out enough when they know they should. To where I have to take care of most of everything. But I'm never mad at my family. Especially my father or my mother. I love all my family with my heart. So i'm definitely going to family couseling together.

     
    

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    • Thanks, Beautiful. I don’t think anyone is suggest...   askbella   16 y  3,330
      
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      This is a reply to # 1,280,003

      Thanks, Beautiful. I don’t think anyone is suggesting you should be ”mad at” your family. But loving them - and yourself - can mean separation from them for a time. Especially if this has been dis ....

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      Thanks, Beautiful. I don't think anyone is suggesting you should be "mad at" your family. But loving them - and yourself - can mean separation from them for a time. Especially if this has been distressful for you.
      
      We all love our families ... we all want what's best for them, but letting them hurt us - even if they are not aware they're hurting us - is not the healthiest choice.
      
      I'd recommend individual therapy over family therapy right now. If you want to make those lists I recommended, you can send them to me privately ...
      
      And if you need a referral, please let me know.
      
      Lots of love.
      
      Bella.

       
      

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• Expand this whole thread (5 messages)
  
  How do you help a hoarder?   angelofeventide   16 y  8,675
  
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  How do you help a hoarder?

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  Hi Bella. I didn't know where else to post this, as there is nothing on this topic on the board. This will be a bit long, but please be patient. My mom is a hoarder. She is not as drastic as the people you see like on Oprah and other such shows, where you can't even walk in the house, but it's bad enough. A little background. My mom grew up very poor. She is now 69, but a very young 69. More like 49. She is a very caring, giving person, serves on many charities boards, etc., and she always likes to keep busy. I'm beginning to think now that all the stuff she wants to keep herself busy with, is more so she can't address her issue at home.
  
  My parents are still married. They are happily married for the most part, but my mom's inability to throw most things away is the only point of contention in their marriage. Numerous times I have offered to help her with going through things, giving stuff away to Goodwill, selling stuff on the net, etc. and the few times she's agreed, it took me two days to clean a room out of the stuff, then dust, vaccuum etc., only to have her put it all back in. I was so angry I told her never to ask me to do this again.
  
  They have a two car garage that is filled to capacity with junk - a lot from my mom's business. She is an interior designer and is always buying stuff she feels she can sell later on. Obviously this has not been the case. There is stuff everywhere and it's sad because they have a beautiful home - right out of a magazine. There is not one room in the house that is not affected and it's not just hoarding, but also letting things get run down. Their kitchen is in desperate need of repair. There are rubberbands holding door shut, chunks of tile missing off the counters, a 4 burner stove where only one burner works, pots and pans bursing from everywhere that are about 30 years old, a faucet that makes a screaming noise when it's on, stained sinks not from dirt but from age, etc. The problem is now, however, they took so long to get to it, they have no money to fix it, due to the effects the economy and the stock market have taken on them. Despite the home being lovely, everything looks a little rough around the edges. It's bad enough that she won't even throw away frozen food that been in the freezer for years.
  
  My dad has been a saint through all this. He puts up with it for the most part, but it wears on him. There have been times when he will wait until she is gone for the day and then will clean out, say their master bedroom and will throw everything into the living room. She resents him doing this, even though she says she understands. She then has to deal with finding a place to put everything that is put in the living room. She gets shipments of stock for her business all the time that ends up sitting in their living room for weeks, until a client picks them up, or my mom sticks it away somewhere. Honestly, I have no idea where she finds room to put stuff. Ironically, they have a vacation home about an hour from their main home that is spotless. Other than the normal cleaning that needs to be done, there is no clutter anywhere. I know my mom's past affected her deeply, but she was not always like this. I think it started when she got into her 30's or so. The problem is, she refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem. My dad and I have both told her she needs to get some help, even if it's just talking to someone and she says she doesn't need to talk to anyone, because she doesn't have a problem, she's just too busy to take care of it. She refuses also to even have a cleaning lady, which my dad has offered to get for her. Bella, my mom doesn't work full time. She works when she feels like it. She spends more time with her charity groups than she does working. And though it's admirable that she gives so much of her time to the groups, she spends maybe 3-5 hours a week working her charity stuff, the rest is down time. In my opinion, her charity should begin at home first.
  
  It has come to a point now, in order to help themselves financially, they need to sell off as much of her "stock" and junk as possible. They have two storage bins that are for the most part, more of her "stuff" that she has not gotten rid of. I know a good deal is she feels so overwhelmed with the mess that she doesn't know where to start and thus just avoids doing it. She will clean up stuff here and there and when they have parties at their house, the downstairs will be spotless - you couldn't even tell there was a problem, but everything is usually shoved into the garage or put upstairs. It's then a short time later that everything goes back to being horrible. So, that being said, how do I help her, when she won't even acknowledge there is a problem? I realize it's a mental problem, but it's very hard not to get mad at her, when it's like she doesn't even care to try and make it better. They are embarrassed to have people over and after I got married, my husband said to me one day, "please promise me you won't become like this". I have promised him and actually this has been good to help me clean out my own closets and get rid of unnecessary stuff.
  
  My husband is deployed overseas right now and when he left I moved back to the area where my parents are. I split my time between their vacation home and the main home (which I grew up in). My dad has told my mom that she has to have the two storage units cleaned out no later than the beginning of the year. They can't afford to pay for them anymore and he wants her to get rid of the stuff. Can't say that I blame him. Both I and a good friend of hers have offered to help her have sales, put stuff on the net, etc., but she just changes the subject or never follows through with plans to do it. How do I help someone who won't help themselves? I worry about it affecting their marriage further and my dad is so stressd already from the financial issue, that he deserves to come home to a house that is clean and orderly. Thanks.
  
  Kir

   
  

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  • HI Angelofeventide. Thanks for your note. One t...   askbella   16 y  7,145
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,275,052

    HI Angelofeventide. Thanks for your note. One thing I want to say that is a bit off-topic, but you are a wonderful writer. I write too, and I have a father who hoards. He is also not as bad ....

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    HI Angelofeventide.
    
    Thanks for your note. One thing I want to say that is a bit off-topic, but you are a wonderful writer.
    
    I write too, and I have a father who hoards. He is also not as bad as the people you see on Oprah, but he has this same hoarding and not letting go, and I believe it serves the same function for the hoarder--despite the level of intensity.
    
    Hoarding is an attempt at control. All of us have "illusions" of control that we use in an effort to try to control our environments, our fears, other people, our emotions...
    
    Hoarding is simply one of those ways.
    
    And while I see that you are a very self-aware and loving person, we need to understand that we ultimately can't "help," other people. People are going to do what they're going to do and sometimes their behavior will hurt us - and hurt others - but there's little we can do to alter this.
    
    Just about the only thing is to change our behavior, our perceptions, and our responses to this person. This is particularly difficult when we're talking about a parent. It took me years before I managed to see my father (and my mother, and my sister, and then my love relationships) as a separate person, on his own path, with his own soul whose path may need to be right where he is.
    
    This is a tough concept to embrace, but many spiritual principles will show that people's paths are not always "perfect." Sometimes we want to impose our perfect ideas on these people, but I can guarantee you that is a losing effort. :)
    
    A few things in your note really struck me.
    
    You wrote:
    
    "I'm beginning to think now that all the stuff she wants to keep herself busy with, is more so she can't address her issue at home."
    
    And you're probably right. But, again, this is her issue, her path. Not yours. Love her anyway.
    
    You wrote:
    
    "In my opinion, her charity should begin at home first."
    
    My advice to a lot of people is to live your life and, as Wayne Dyer says, do so "Independent of the good opinion of others." We want this for ourselves; let's do it for others.
    
    You wrote:
    
    "So, that being said, how do I help her, when she won't even acknowledge there is a problem?"
    
    I think you know the answer. :)
    
    You wrote:
    
    "Both I and a good friend of hers have offered to help her have sales, put stuff on the net, etc., but she just changes the subject or never follows through with plans to do it. How do I help someone who won't help themselves?"
    
    Your mother knows the offer stands. That's all you can do. Continue to love her.
    
    * * *
    
    The best thing I can suggest to you is to try to become detached from any outcome with your mother. Let her hoard, not hoard, freak out, fill rooms with stuff, but love her all the same. Do not expect anything from her or try to intervene in your parents' marriage. Observe, if you must. And understand. How does this affect you? How do you feel about your mother's hoarding? Does it make you angry? Scared? Disappointed?
    
    You have such a wonderful gift for writing, Angel, that I highly encourage you to use this as a way to channel some of your unresolved feelings around the situation with your mother.
    
    As I said when I began this note, I write . . . and I wrote a story about my father's hoarding. I really love that story. It's a place for me to express my feelings about it. Sadly, I can't do much for my father. He will have to figure out when he's ready, and if he wants to let go of his illusions of control. But what I can do, is take good care of myself, and show my father (someone who lives with a great degree of fear) as much love as I can.
    
    I wish you all the best. Post your thoughts here any time.
    
    Warmly,
    Bella.

     
    

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    • Bella, Thank you for the lovely compliment, wit...   angelofeventide   16 y  6,998
      
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      This is a reply to # 1,276,163

      Bella, Thank you for the lovely compliment, with regards to my writing. I actually used to write regularly and wrote a novel years ago which I had representation for, but the whole ”literary a ....

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      Bella,
      
      Thank you for the lovely compliment, with regards to my writing. I actually used to write regularly and wrote a novel years ago which I had representation for, but the whole "literary agent" experience left a bitter taste in my mouth. After my contract with them expired, I didn't resume my search for a new agent.
      
      The one thing I wanted to ask about, with regards to my mother's hoarding issue is, you mentioned letting her live her life and not letting it affect me. While I whole heartedly agree, the problem that comes into play is thus. My father will frequently ask me to "assist" her in getting things cleared up. Because I can completely relate to his frustration and weariness at living immersed in a constant state of disarray, I will help out when I can. Even when I am not involved in the situation however, it still affects me, as I am down there frequently, either to visit or help out with various and sundry things. My husband is deployed right now and I moved back to be near where they are living, to help them out while I have some time to do so.
      
      My mother will be having shoulder surgery very shortly and therefore I will once again be down there to help her out while she is recovering. Living in that mess makes me nervous and clausterphobic. I worked on the guest room I stay in when I am down there an managed to at least make it so I can somewhat walk around in it, but if I am going to be down there for any indefinite amounts of time to help her out during recovery, I'm just trying to find some happy medium that will allow me to withstand the mayhem coherently, while not pulling my hair out.
      
      I truly appreciate your time and am sorry for what you have gone through with your dad. I saw your post about the Bach Flower Remedies. Do you think your dad would be willing to try those? Minnimus might be a good one for him to start with, if he was open to it. Just a thought.
      
      Kirstin

       
      

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      • Hello Kirstin, Thanks for writing and thanks fo...   askbella   16 y  6,993
        
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        This is a reply to # 1,276,876

        Hello Kirstin, Thanks for writing and thanks for your suggestion for my dad. He prefers over the counter medicines! :) I’m going to stick with what I said in my first response to you - I jus ....

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        Hello Kirstin,
        
        Thanks for writing and thanks for your suggestion for my dad. He prefers over the counter medicines! :)
        
        I'm going to stick with what I said in my first response to you - I just don't think you're going to be able to "help" your mom in the way you would like.
        
        Her stuff makes you feel nervous and claustrophobic. So whatever you do (move boxes around, clear out stuff, throw things out), just realize that this is *you* you're helping.
        
        She may need you around after her surgery and asking what she needs (a few magazines, errands down, laundry) is the best way to help her. Let her tell you.
        
        But deciding what is best for someone else and then trying to "help" them is an illusion.
        
        This is her house. Her life. Her path, and I think finding a way to change your reaction to her could prove to be your best move. So instead of moving the external stuff, try moving the internal stuff to allow for "This is my mother. She hoards. She may hurt. She may be broken in my eyes. But I love her and I will meet her on her terms."
        
        "My 'solutions' for her life may not be the solutions she needs or wants."
        "My mom is just being my mom. My reaction to her is what needs to heal."
        
        Try writing more of these kinds of phrases for yourself so you can make those subtle shifts. And use your writing to help you reframe some of this.
        
        Sorry about the experience with your book. I'm still editing for people as I work on building up coaching and transitioning into healing arts. Maybe you can take that book out again, freshen it up, get some feedback on it, and try sending to new agents.
        
        I wish you all the best.
        
        Bella
        
        
        
        

         
        

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  • As a hoarder, I think the best way is to love her....   knowledge seeker   12 y  5,968
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,275,052

    As a hoarder, I think the best way is to love her. Now we have a name and a disorder for everything. some things are just an aspect of who we are. I am like your mom helping everyone with ....

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    As a hoarder, I think the best way is to love her.
    
    Now we have a name and a disorder for everything.
    
    some things are just an aspect of who we are.
    
    I am like your mom helping everyone with a heart of gold and people like that sometimes form emotional attachments to everyone. they see an object and cant though it out cause it is attached to a memory..a happier time perhaps.
    
    We tend to get emotionally attached to things and get pleasure from then especially when our life feels lonelier than we would like.
    
    I think it is very easy to through away someone else's stuff and that is why your did does it when it is too late for her to say anything but feel and express anger.
    
    If I was her, I would not allow him to get away with throwing away her stuff.
    
    perhaps he should do a kind of behavior modification with her...find out what she really really wants and will work for maybe it is compliments, more fun or loving time with him, a material thing. going somewhere ..in fact, maybe if he gave her more love and seen the good in her, neither of them would care so much about stuff.
    
    have a price If I thrown away 10 items, you will take me to the beach,..if I throw away 2 large items, you will go eat with me at my favorite restaurant etc,
    
    This way might be slower but she will feel she wanted to participate and got something in return. expect no more than a 25 or 30% reduction as that is a big deal to hoarders.
    
    Just like when you grow up, you expect your mom to mind her own business, grant the same to your mom and love her anyway,. Tell your dad the idea, recommend he seek help online and leave you out of it next time as you want to return to seeing your mom in the most positive light and in order to do this you will have to accept the things you cannot change. You can pray though and who knows what that may bring about.
    
    Let your mom know you are sorry for not loving her more and for being so mad at the stuff she is keeping and let her know you hope she will work on some of it but from now on to show your love you are not going to get on her anymore and trying to get it out of your head as this is affecting you and a change of attitude and more thought on the fact this is a mental illnesses I know I also have ocd on this and other brain disorders like depression and most people do not see this for what it is --a malfunction in an organ of the body--the brain.
    
    also in that many years of living people who are kind of disorganized like that tend to accumulate a lot of stuff, nagging only makes us more resentful, angry and misunderstood or makes us more down on ourselves. My son just ripped into me and was cruel in his frustration that he deeply wounded me and our relationship and made me feel so down on himself when everything was already going wrong and this made me feel like all I did for him was in vain as all he can seem to see ifs the bad things and none of the good.
    
    MY mom cared mroe about her house than me and proved this in her dying days as throughout her life and this hurts, I m sure he thinks like you it had to bne said and he was right but he wasn't and he damaged how I feels about him by being how he was and saying what he did.
    
    Some people would never think of giving so much to others..you need to focus on the good she is doing not her flaws as she is older like me and not gonna be around forever, You will have your wish then and your dad for a clean, organized house but no wonderful her. wake up moms die mine did 4 years ago and they never came back to irritate us again. the older years are hard ones how about resolving to make hers as wonderful as you can make it and learn to overlook things.
    
    Also make sure she is taking large amounts of omega three fats, avoid most or all trans fats, hydrogenated fats and other things I recommend here as far as natural help (I have not done this unfortunately and am just reaching a point where my organized hoarding got me in trouble and relates mad at me so thinking about this more and taking small steps to throw away some stuff) Researching that lead me to your post in fact.
    
    Even though we sometimes had a shed or more, at least this stuff is out of the house and still there..I dont have money either and this is a huge part of me budget but it is worst than the pain of throwing it away..consider it a type of therapy. Maybe if she will how away 3% of it..and then a break and then try again..she will never be like you without severe intervention that likely will break her heart.
    
    Somethings we have to be the ones to give more or suffer for things that are not our fault/problem and that is what I thinkl you would be best to focus on in all things give love as you own her that for all she did for you when you needed her.
    
    http://curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=1954229#i
    
    
    

     
    

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• Passion and Inspiration from Wayne Dyer.   askbella   16 y  1,460
  
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  Passion and Inspiration from Wayne Dyer.

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• On the subject of anger   askbella   16 y  1,228
  
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  Two things I read recently that I wanted to share here.
  
  One is from Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Body.
  
  “oversensitivity, often represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a cover for hidden anger and a resistance to forgive”
  
  Also:
  
  From Christiane Northrup's book, Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom;
  
  "When I first visited an acupuncturist, she told me that in Chinese medicine, emotions such as anger are viewed simply as energy. Many women have a problem with the direct expression of their anger and use it to manipulate others instead. But anger can be a powerful ally. When we feel angry, the anger is always related to something we need to acknowledge for ourselves. It is not necessarily about the situation or person that evoked it. It is always a sign that on some level we're not meeting a personal need that we may have. That's on of the reasons why anger is so often part of PMS.
  
  All women must learn that no one can *make* us angry. Our anger is ours, and it is telling us something we need to know. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, 'No one can make you feel inferior [or angry, or sad] without your permission.' Anger is energy--our personal jet fuel. It is telling us that something needs adjustment in our lives. It is telling us that there is something we want that we don't know we want. Next time you get angry, say to yourself, 'Ah! My inner guidance is working. What is it I want here? What do I want to have happen here?' Anger is often an expression of the energy required to make that adjustment. This emotion is dangerous only if we deny it and stuff it in our bodies. Anger and all other 'negative' emotions can serve us well when we don't turn them in on ourselves as depression or lash out with them against others."

   
  

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• Expand this whole thread (2 messages)
  
  anger   HarmonicCharge   16 y  2,768
  
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  anger

  How can someone soften resentment and let go of anger towards family members?
  
  Won't the hurtful things they have done to cause such deep resentment and anger always cause pain?

   
  

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  • Hi HarmonicChange, Your question is a good one ...   askbella   16 y  2,143
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,262,613

    Hi HarmonicChange, Your question is a good one - and one that, I’m quite certain, many of us might ask. The words you used ”softening” and ”letting go” are exactly the process. You’re off to ....

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    Hi HarmonicChange,
    
    Your question is a good one - and one that, I'm quite certain, many of us might ask.
    
    The words you used "softening" and "letting go" are exactly the process. You're off to a good start! As far as your second question, the short answer? Not unless you let it.
    
    Forgiveness is one act, but done repeatedly, it can offer some transformation to our lives. Forgiving ourselves and our loved ones becomes a jumping-off point to spiritual growth.
    
    The first thing I would encourage you to do is write down what is hurting you. In other words, take it out of you and put it (separate) on paper.
    
    Are some of those things actually things you've done to other people? Be honest. And be gentle. And take the first step . . . in forgiving yourself.
    
    Next, try to focus on one person at a time (and this is a process, not something that can be done in a day), close your eyes. Can you try sending light to this peson? Can you pray for them at night and ask God, Spirit, the Universe to help them find their path, to assist them in ending the behavior that's hurting others around them, including yourself.
    
    At some point, you might want to practice detachment. See what it feels like to hold the image of your father, or a sibling in your mind, and see them as a person you may not even know, another human on his/her own path who has flaws, has made mistakes, is struggling. Who is also vulnerable, and possibly sad and angry.
    
    Another means of separation can be to imagine long tendrils like pea shoots sent from the other person who has hurt you and attaching to your core. Can you take your hand and hold it over your belly, move it down along your belly and imagine gently cutting those tendrils, sending them back to the person, and sending them back with light and love, but therefore reclaiming your own space and boundaries.
    
    You know how carrying around pain can inhibit your own joy. We actually have a choice to let go of this pain. To not have to hold on to it, cling to it. Because really, in many ways, it has now become our security, our identity, our story.
    
    You can rewrite your story. Try using one person who has hurt you, disappointed you, humiliated you, or not given you what you needed, and write a letter to yourself from them. You might want to write a letter from your mother to yourself, write about how proud she is of you, even if she failed at letting you know that. Write about how beautiful she thinks you are, even if she may not have behaved that way all these years.
    
    Forgiving the past allows us to be right in the present, where we need to be, and actually gives us the opportunity to be free - in the present - from pain.
    
    We have that option.
    
    I don't have any specific resources to provide here. (I usually like to add links, books, supplemental reading to my advice posts) but many of the spiritual writers out there now - Wayne Dyer, and Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra and so forth deal with this subject in their books. So I encourage you to start with them if you'd like to do further reading.
    
    Another suggestion is to find someone in your area who teaches A Course in Miracles or who might mentor you in a Course in Miracles. (http://www.miraclestudies.net/)
    
    Thank you for your question. Come back as often as you need. And I wish you perseverance and grace in your courageous journey to forgiving your past.
    
    Bella

     
    

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• Expand this whole thread (4 messages)
  
  Illness and husband's deployment causing depressio...   angelofeventide   16 y  3,408
  
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  Illness and husband's deployment causing depression

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  Hi Bella,
  
  I just came across this forum. Usually I post in the Candida forum.
  
  Here's my situation in a nutshell. I have been sick for nearly 13 years with systemic candida, parasites, heavy metal toxicity, Epstein Barr snd hypothyroidism. For those 13 years I have gone from doctor to doctor, be they medical doctors, homeopaths, naturopaths, etc. I have tried nearly every treatment out there. Nothing has helped. I recently came across a naturopath dr. and while I won't be going to him because I felt he jumped down my throat for no reason, what he said made sense. That until you find the main, underlying cause and treat it for the health problems you have, you won't get well. Makes sense.
  
  My husband of 3 1/2 years recently deployed for the second time to Iraq (third deployment to the Middle East). My husband was the best thing that ever happened in my life. He has been my prince charming, knight in shining armour and I thank God every day for him. Since he has been gone, I have been profoundly depressed and can't seem to shake it. I am trying all the things people recommend like taking up extra activities, going to church, etc. but nothing helps. The thing is, I know my health conditions make it harder for me to snap out of it, as they affect the physiology of the brain. I have no interest in life, I am tired of fighting a war that can't seem to be won with above listed health problems, I was trying to start a children's business and have now lost interest in that, and I don't know what to do, to get out of this funk. In the past, I would keep fighting, reading everything I could on my health conditions, researching for hours on end to try to find an answer, all to no avail. I am always known amongst my friends and family for being tenacious and never giving up to find an answer out of this hell. But nothing is working and I'm beyond tired. It's like I'm fighting constantly just to maintain a functionable pain level and that pain is barely tolerable.
  
  My question is then, how do I get past the depression from not being able to see my husband for almost a year, get past the depression of not being able to get well, money issues, etc.? I have been looking into Reconnective Healing as it sounds really intersting, but just thought I would ask if you had any suggestions. Thanks.
  
  Kirstin

   
  

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  • Hi Kirstin, Thanks for writing. I’m glad you de...   askbella   16 y  3,125
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,262,489

    Hi Kirstin, Thanks for writing. I’m glad you decided to reach out. You sound to me like a very courageous woman. And your husband sounds like a brave and courageous man. I truly empathize ....

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    Hi Kirstin,
    
    Thanks for writing. I'm glad you decided to reach out.
    
    You sound to me like a very courageous woman. And your husband sounds like a brave and courageous man.
    
    I truly empathize with wives and family of men who are called to serve. Have you been able to find others with loved ones - particularly husbands - who are deployed. I know you mentioned taking up other activities, but have you looked for support groups? If you can't find one locally, perhaps there may be one online.
    
    I find that connecting with others who are going through or have been through a situation you're facing is the best kind of support, and I think it might help you to really connect with other women going through this.
    
    At the bottom of this post, I'll link to some resources, blogs, and other information I found that might be of interest.
    
    I'm sorry to hear about the depression, and I agree with your statement that because your body is in a compromised state, you may not be handling things as you used to. But realize, this may be part of your healing - letting go of the old tenacity. You are where you are now. And perhaps a few of my suggestions might help.
    
    One thing I noticed about my past chronic illnesses (and I've had several of the ones you mentioned) is that through it all - doctors, research, treatments, advice - sometimes it was the most basic things that made the difference.
    
    I once made a simple list of what in my life drained me, and what brought me energy, light, joy. Just doing this (even if I thought I already knew in my mind) helped. I put it out there, put it on paper. It was validating.
    
    I'd also advise you not to take on more right now but rather adjust to less. It sounds like this is organic to your situation - you are adjusting to a period of less energy, less money, less abundance, and need to rediscover the abundance in what's before you and sometimes, like I said, that can be through finding the most basic comforts - a walk in nature, a chat with a good friend, a bath, a good night of sleep, a few hand-picked flowers.
    
    What brings you joy? Even a glimmer of it? Do more of that.
    And what brings you comfort? Bring more of that into your daily life.
    
    If "activities" and church and certain practitioners and worries aren't serving you, Kirstin, then I advise you to let them go - let everything go that you do not need in your life right now and concentrate only on healing and on being strong for your husband who is out serving.
    
    And if certain healing methods are not fitting for you, let them go as well. Try Reconnection Healing, but if it isn't right for you, you'll know and you can move on.
    
    I think for you right now, less is more. Simple connections and simple acts of healing (a massage, a foot bath, a yoga class) might offer the most access to healing.
    
    Do you pray or meditate? I find that steadying the mind (whether it be through prayer, chanting, or meditation) can help us be centered, calm, and actually get the answers we need. Chronic illness and stress can be very debilitating and call for us to reach out to look for answers and help through doctors and other practitioners; however, after we find what we need to make us better (certain diets, vitamins, nutrition, protocols) we need to return to trusting ourselves for the answers and cultivating faith that they will come.
    
    Wayne Dyer has a wonderful manifestation chant for allowing us to ask for what we need (an "ah" chant) and also being grateful for what we have.
    
    
    http://www.escapefromwatchtower.com/waynedwyermanifest.html
    
    
    Kirstin, if you are still in need of advice about your health, trying looking into (or contacting) Askshelley.com
    But if you are stable and need time to heal, look within.
    Please rest and let go of the things you can't control.
    
    For resources about wives of soldiers, try:
    
    Blogs
    
    
    http://calivalleygirl.blogspot.com/2005/10/new-book-about-wives-of-deployed.html
    
    
    
    http://awtr.blogspot.com/2007/03/worst-things-you-can-say-to-woman-whose.html
    
    
    Groups and support
    
    
    http://www.ehow.com/how_2043745_find-army-wife-support-group.html
    
    
    
    http://groups.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=groups.groupProfile&groupID=10...
    
    
    
    http://www.twing.com/search?sc=ps&qt=any+army+wives&mk=1&cm_mmc=Google-_-GSN_...
    
    
    
    http://www.crickrock.com/cgi-bin/webring/list.pl?ringid=332
    
    
    I wish you and your husband all the best. And please come back with any further questions or clarifications.
    
    Warmly,
    
    Bella

     
    

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    • Thank you Bella for all of the information and kin...   angelofeventide   16 y  2,903
      
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      This is a reply to # 1,262,595

      Thank you Bella for all of the information and kind words. It is nice to still find people in this day and age who have an understanding and caring heart such as yourself. I will take your advic ....

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      Thank you Bella for all of the information and kind words. It is nice to still find people in this day and age who have an understanding and caring heart such as yourself. I will take your advice and have already looked at all the links. A couple really resonated and I will be contacting the people involved. Thank again for your time.
      
      Kirstin

       
      

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      • Kirstin, I’m so glad. Continue to surround y...   askbella   16 y  2,803
        
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        This is a reply to # 1,265,715

        Kirstin, I’m so glad. Continue to surround yourself with love and what heals you ... Warmly, Bella

        Kirstin,
        
        I'm so glad.
        
        Continue to surround yourself with love and what heals you ...
        
        Warmly,
        
        Bella

         
        

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• Comments   askbella   16 y  1,224
  
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  Hello!
  
  While my aim is to respond to each questions posted here, I welcome others to add their own insights, feedback, and comments to those posting questions as well as to share similar experiences with positive outcomes.
  
  Thanks!
  
  Bella

   
  

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• Expand this whole thread (4 messages)
  
  Question   #23668   16 y  3,301
  
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  Dear Bella,
  
  I wish somewhere on this forum it explained a little bit more about you, who you are, what you do, etc.
  
  Well, even without that information I will still ask my question.
  
  I understand that the people we meet are holding up mirrors of ourselves. They are our best lesson teachers. I'm wondering about what my son is mirroring to me or teaching me. He and I struggle every day over what he eats. If it were left completely up to him, he'd eat nothing but junk. I'm not exaggerating about that. He won't have a piece of fruit. Everything has to be very processed and sugary or salty. He will go hungry rather than eat something slightly healthy. I've tried just not bringing those types of foods into the house but, he just goes hungry. The whole thing makes me absolutely crazy. I do not like doing battle with him. I sometimes just let him eat whatever he wants to so that we don't battle but then I feel so sad that he's not getting much nutrition. The whole thing makes me have knots in my stomach.
  
  I don't want advice on what to feed him but would like your input on why he and I have come together in this lifetime and what this battle is really all about.
  
  Thanks.

   
  

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  • Hello 23668! Thanks for being brave and posting...   askbella   16 y  2,798
    
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    This is a reply to # 1,216,705

    Hello 23668! Thanks for being brave and posting the first question to the board. Also, I apologize for not responding sooner; I’ve been away and my e-mail notification doesn’t seem to be workin ....

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    Hello 23668!
    
    Thanks for being brave and posting the first question to the board. Also, I apologize for not responding sooner; I've been away and my e-mail notification doesn't seem to be working at the moment.
    
    Anyhow, just to let you know a little about me, I'm a life coach who has just begun practicing. I'm also a writer. I study yoga, and I've undergone many personal transformations in the past ten years and made the decision to bring my experiences to serve others through offering input, insight, guidance, feedback . . . and so I began this forum here on Curezone.
    
    Your question is a good one. You seem to me very perceptive - to see beyond the literal struggle you are having with your son.
    
    One thing I wasn't clear about - how old is your son? I know children go through refusing to eat at different ages and for different reasons - some when they're young and they're energetic, lack appetites, developing their tastes . . . some when they're older as a means of rebellion . . .
    
    So without knowing your son's age, it's hard for me to provide more feedback.
    
    I know, though, how frustrating it must be for you; especially considering that food is a basic human need and feeding a child is one of the most nurturing acts you can provide. Nurturing is an important part of a parent's role, and refusal of that on the child's part can often be a sign of anger toward the parent, natural rebellion, or even self-definition (in early stages of childhood and also in adolescence).
    
    So along with the age of your son, might you also tell me if your family has undergone any changes (divorce, loss of a pet, death of a sibling/relative/friend/close family member), relocating, etc... anything you can think of in the past year or so?
    
    I'll look forward to hearing more from you.
    
    Warmly,
    Bella.

     
    

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    • Dear Bella, Thank you for getting back to me. ...   #23668   16 y  2,752
      
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      Heal Gut Dysbiosis
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      End Constipation Now
      Let oxygen remove old, impacted fecal matter as it detoxifies and...
      
      
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      Heart Worms?
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      This is a reply to # 1,221,117

      Dear Bella, Thank you for getting back to me. My son is 10 years old. He’s a very smart boy. He has made the choice that he does not want to eat anything healthy. I try to get him to meet m ....

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      Dear Bella,
      
      Thank you for getting back to me. My son is 10 years old. He's a very smart boy. He has made the choice that he does not want to eat anything healthy. I try to get him to meet me in the middle (I'll say "have a piece of fruit first and then you can have the potato chips"). He'll say to me "I don't want anything healthy" and he'll refuse it. He really does live on very processed, unhealthy foods. He will go hungry before eating something healthy. He's got some very strong willpower.
      
      We fight all the time about food. I've come to the conclusion that he's got some lesson to learn through all this (probably me too) and I'm just going to let it unfold. It's killing me though. It's become such a big issue between us. It's always the pink elephant in the room. He knows that when he gets hungry it is battle time. The tension over what he's going to eat has gotten so bad that I'm just letting him go. It hurts me to hear over and over "Mom, why do you always have to boss my diet?" I know he understands that it's my job to guide him to do the "right" thing but he still doesn't want any of my help - he wants to do it his way.
      
      There have been no big changes in our lives (no dicorce, moving, etc.). We're basically a happy, stable family.
      
      Thanks for any input.

       
      

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      • Hi again! Thanks for the clarifications! You...   askbella   16 y  2,594
        
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        This is a reply to # 1,221,136

        Hi again! Thanks for the clarifications! You said some really telling things in your note, such as ”He’s got some very strong willpower.” ”We fight all the time about food.” ”He wants t ....

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        Hi again!
        
        Thanks for the clarifications!
        
        You said some really telling things in your note, such as
        
        "He's got some very strong willpower."
        "We fight all the time about food."
        "He wants to do it his way."
        
        
        These are some powerful statements. And it certainly does sound like quite a battle!
        
        In your first note, you mentioned mirrors - while I don't see anything that you don't already see yourself, one thing that does come to mind is how sometimes we give people advice that we ourselves need to take.
        
        For instance, are you eating healthy?
        
        Maybe you demonstrate (show rather than tell) your son what healthy eating looks like and what the benefits of healthy eating are -
        
        For instance, if you are at a restaurant, your son might order the hot dog and french fries, and you can say (to yourself, your husband, a friend), "I'm really in the mood for some veggies." Make healthy choices seem appealing to your son . . . but indirectly.
        
        The key here is that you'll need to let go of this struggle quite a bit. You'll want to aim to diffuse the battle that's begun around eating . . .
        
        By this, I mean, take the loaded emotions out of it. When dinner comes, say, "What are you hungry for?" And if he says "pizza" let him have it. If he wants a donut for breakfast, let him have that too. Show him that it's no longer a battle . . . and shift this stuck dynamic.
        
        This approach may eventually lessen his resistance.
        
        Short of having him go through some blood work at the doctor to make sure he's in good health, I'd allow this to go on for a while longer while you neutralize the eating battle. Trust that your son will come around.
        
        
        In the meantime, I'd recommend having healthy snacks around the house - ones that seem appealing - cut up colorful fruit salads - like red grapes, halved strawberries, and orange wedges . . . throw that in the fridge or eat some in front of him with a little cream on top. Maybe slice up some watermelon. Make some juice ice pops. Make yourself a colorful crudite for dinner.
        
        Finally, after you've neutralized things for some time, let your son have more independence in his choice of food. Saying things like, "What are you in the mood for?" "What do you think we should eat?" might shift things and give him the control and choice he's looking for.
        
        You might also try letting him shop with you. See if you can get him to pick out what flavor yogurt he likes (they have so many flavors nowadays). Cheese? Give him the choice without making it a battle.
        
        If he still isn't eating well, I recommend consulting his doctor or pediatrician if you haven't already done so. The DR. has seen this situation over and over and it might serve to put your mind at ease and also let in a neutral third party who might say to your son "In order to play this sport or grow this strong, we'd like to see you eating a fruit and a vegetable each day - your choice."
        
        In summary, take yourself out of the battle, demonstrate (show rather than tell) to your son how to eat healthy, have healthy snacks around, get him to a pediatrician who might act as a neutral third party, empower your son to let the choice be his.
        
        I hope that helps! Do feel free to come back with the outcome.
        
        Good luck!
        
        Bella.

         
        

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• Have a comment or a question?   askbella   16 y  1,221
  
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  Have a comment or a question?

  I welcome you to begin posting to this forum!
  
  --Bella

   
  

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• There are times when . . .   askbella   16 y  1,317
  
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  There are times when . . .

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  There are times when I've had bodily pain, psychic pain, emotional pain, so excruciating my knees buckled, my head ached, my hands shook. And there are times when I've watched that pain dissipate like vapor.
  
  There are times when I've had to hang on for dear life and remain attached, attached out of fear of losing control, out of fear of changing what I know to be true. I've hung on. And there are times when I've let go like a dandelion poof let out of my hand.
  
  There are times when I've fought with my ego, or my ego has wanted to remain in control, to dictate my every move, to keep telling me the same story--the same version of my story. And there are times when my ego seems to have shrunk, to the size of a pin dot, disappear.
  
  There are times when my story is like a broken record, telling me who I am, what my limitations are, what I can believe. And there are times when my story falls open, like the pages of a book, when it's pages are torn out and blown away by the wind, unloosened, swept away, free to become a new story.
  
  There are times when I am too afraid to see the truth because the truth could mean that what I've been doing all along is untrue; it would mean that I'm not courageous, not brave, or that I must change. And there are times when I'm given the grace to see the truth, the courage to handle the truth, and the strength to continue to maintain the truth in my life.
  
  There are times when the drama, the noise, and the chaos of my life becomes so loud, I can barely hear myself think. I am tuned only to "this" and "not this." I am like a puppet on a string and the string's source is all the attachments in my life--my job, my relationships, my bank account, my body. I can't imagine life without these as my compass. And there are times when things grow still. The moment becomes quiet; I don't move. I am able to stop and find a space to listen, gently, to the wisdom of the universe and what it is telling me.
  
  There are times when I am unable to find my inner wisdom, when I've looked and looked for days, as though searching for a set of misplaced keys. There are times when I can not stop, when despite my head pounding, my heart racing, my exhaustion, I keep going. There are times when I feel so empty, scared, alone, full of fear, of doubt, of anger, that I can't remember the last time things were okay.
  
  And there are times when my wisdom, strength, beauty, and wholeness is at the tips of my fingers, part of a radiant aura enfolding me.
  
  
  
  -- Bella.

   
  

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