Victim of violence with questions
Hello,
I was a victim of violence 12 years ago. I was working the night shift, and driving home after work on a two-lane highway. (I lived out of town and I drove about 40 miles (one-way) to/from work. I just started getting off work a few hours later than normal for the past couple weeks because my whole routine was changed, and my job location moved to a different side of town.) There was a vehicle behind me, staying way too close. At this point, I was only hoping that they would pass and go around me instead of riding my bumper. A few minutes later, the vehicle began to pass me. I never really gave it any other thought except I was so glad they were going around me. All of a sudden, I hear 3 gunshots and glass shattering. This was such a shock, that I really didn't even know what was happening. Then the vehicle kept on driving by in front of me. I was not in my "right" mind, still confused and struck with intense fear. The car drove about 1/4 of a mile, and then turned around (so they were approaching me head-on). I really couldn't think, and didn't know what to do, I just knew that I absolutely could not look at that car because I did not want to watch them if they were gonna try to shoot me again. All I could do is step on the gas pedal at full force and just keep driving forward. The vehicle just kept going and they didn't try to do anything as they passed by me in the other lane. I continued driving at full speed, and kept looking in my rear-view mirror to make sure that they didn't turn around and start following me again. My thought should've been to call 911. I didn't.. I don't know why. All I know is that I had a fear like I have never known existed. I couldn't think and didn't know how to handle the situation. I called my husband at home, but he had already left to go to work (he did not have a cellphone). So, I called my In-Law's house. I don't remember what I said, but all I remember is that she told me to just keep on driving in the direction of her house with my emergency flasher lights on, and she will find me. At this point, I knew that both of my front windows of the car were gone, and glass pieces all over me. I felt pain in my left arm, and didn't know if I was shot in the arm or not. I couldn't bear to look at my arm, and I just kept driving. My Sister-In-Law lived about 25 miles away from where I was when all of this happened. I did meet up with her, and then we drove to a nearby town police station. This is where I found out that luckily my arm was not shot, and it was in pain because of the shattered glass pieces lodged into my arm. After the police looked at the car, they said that one bullet was not found (this was the bullet that went through both front windows) and the other two bullets were lodged in-between the exterior door, and the interior door panel. The police retrieved the bullets and pointed out that the bullets were 9mm hollow point.
My life changed this day 12 years ago.. I dont know if it changed in a good way or a bad way, or both.. I feel like I never had any "closure". I have always had questions as to why this happened. I have regrets that I didn't call 911. Maybe they could have put out an "APB" in search of a vehicle driving this highway(there was no other traffic in this area, at 3am, in the middle of nowhere.) Maybe they could have caught the person/people doing this. Maybe I should have looked over at this vehicle when they turned around and were driving towards me head-on, maybe I could have seen the type/color vehicle, or license plate. The other part of my mind is thinking that maybe it is best this way, because what if they did catch these people/person, and they were prosecuted for their crime, would I always have to "look behind my shoulders" to see if they are seeking revenge. For quite a while after this incident, I did have alot of issues with bad dreams, no sleep, and fear. I didn't want to even close my eyes.
Time has done so much for me, I have improved tremendously since then. I have no problems sleeping, and rarely ever have bad dreams about it. But, I still have a very strong fear for being in the dark, or being outside in the dark alone. I don't drive at night, and I am very cautious. I don't know if its more of a paranoia, or just being extremely overly-cautious.
I have never tried to seek any type of professional help or support. I look back on it now, and I am wondering if I should have done that back then?!?
I don't even know if I did actually have PTSD. But I do know that my life was deeply disrupted after the incident, for quite some time. Can a person still suffer with PTSD, even many years later, even though my life has improved so much, and I have been able to live a functional life??
This incident has always been in my mind, but it hasnt been as frequent in the front of my mind as time has passed. But for the past 3-4 months, it has slowly creeped back into my thoughts more often. Is this normal???
I was home alone at night a few months ago, and someone was knocking on my door, and I was struck with intense fear and did not answer the door. (We have lived in this town for approx a year), and I don't know anyone and I dont have family here, except for my spouse. I called my husband at work, and he came home to check on me. I now have a baseball bat stationed in each room, in case I need it for protection. I am sure that I was probably overly-paranoid, and it could have just been someone knocking on the door, but I interpreted it as something worse, which made me fearful. Could something as simple as a knock on the door cause all of the trauma from the past to come flooding back to me now???
I feel such a need to have closure, and have always felt that from day one. How does a person get over the fact that I will never have closure???
This deeply concerns me, because I don't want to regress, and lose all of the progress I have made over the years.
Any advice, thoughts, experiences?
Thanks so much
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