oh i am absolutely aware i can die of lonliness. i have already seen this depression add years to my face in the last year.  i cannot even look in the mirror anymore. 

yes, i learned lonliness when i was a kid, but i coped very well, considering.  and, i was fine up until i moved here.  i am a little fish in a big pond and i don't have an emotional connection to this city or it's people.  my people are back home. 

i am in the process of getting rid of who hurt me.  i am have often been discouraged from doing this by many people and that has prolonged my feeling mentally and emotionally sick. 

yeah, i like old people.  i don't know if i want to go to a nursing home, kind of depressing.

the stuff you mentioned, no i don't like to do any of that stuff.  what i like to do is go to my favorite hang outs back home.  and that is 1200 miles.  if i had my friends here, i could probably cope, but i don't.

my diet is ok.  i only eat organic.  it is not a matter of not knowing what to buy, i know exactly what is healthy because i studied for years and years.  in my cupboard is red palm oil and raw coconut oil and any flour products are made of rice, etc....  in fact, i am addicted to health food.  i get sick to my stomach if i eat unhealthy food.  i am not big on supplements, i take a few here and there.  i have b-12 now that i take every day.  i take cod liver oil most every day.   

yes, i believe i suffer from clinical depression. 

the positive thinking thing, i am most likely going to order a joe land cd. i know they work, just have not done it yet.  my self-esteem was taken from me, which is why i have been trying to get out of the lie i have lived for over 5 years.  i am one of those people of principle and one who the truth will always come out eventually and some people do not like to be around people like that.  i have been controlled and made to live a lie and i am just done now.  but it left me shattered and lost, like i wasted a lot of time and effort living someone's lie they wanted me to live.  it is very sick.  but, i am getting out and feel i am out, but only recently.  so, i sit here and think..what am i doing here?  there is nothing here for me. 

i love being alone.  i just noticed a while back that i am lonely and have no friends here and see no one.

an honest answer?  ok, here you go...  i am lonely because i let myself get caught up in a lifestyle of deception where i was only used for a purpose.  it is like the guard dog you tie out back and he is only there to guard the place. he never gets petted.  he gets some food and water and lays there and pants in the shade of his flea-infested dog house.  he gets kicked once in a while.  that dog puts up with it forever sometimes.  it depends on how hard you kick him and how much neglect.  this dog got kicked too much and neglected too much and i am biting and growling and breaking free of my chain, leaving my food bowl, breaking free of my owner's control, and maybe eventually leaving my dog house. 

my problem is not watching tv or being on the internet.  my problem is what i stated, being severely abused by a sociopath who treated me like a dog tied out back for 3.5 yrs and longer, really.  that is when i started to die.  he stole $30,000 from me, as well.  i was just able to get away from him and i made an appt with a dentist, so i am starting the recovery.  if you look back on the posts, you will see where i posted that.  i would never give up the net.  i am 1200 emails behind as it is because of him and if my pc breaks for a week, i don't like it so much.  i rarely get a chance to watch oprah, but it is sometimes on in the background.  i watch larry king, judge judy, 700 club, joyce meyer, dog the bounty hunter, etc....  they are just playing in the background most the time, i just hear it.  i have been on the pc more lately because of going through this depression of trying to get away from an abuser.  if i would have gotten away from the pc, it would not have helped.  this writing has been theraputic the last two days.  there is no one here to do anythng with and i have no friends here, so i do not want to go out by myself.  but if you read my post, you will see that i have good news.  and i needed to go to the dentist to get well and i have an appt.  i have put it off for over 3 yrs.  that has been one of the biggest sources of my unhappiness.  i can't smile and am in pain all the time from neglect that should have never happened.  i should have been appreciated and loved and taken care of and i would have flourished. if a person watches tv and the internet and is in severe depression, it isn't the tv and internet, in my opinion. and without them, i would be much more depressed.  but thanks for trying to help.  i do not want to go outside at all.  that is one of my problems, but i will not shut off the pc and go out, because i hate it out there.  but like i said, things mite go well with my appt.  when you cannot even open your mouth because it is such a mess, you do not want to be around anyone anyway.  i am on a narcotic pain killer today because of dental pain, so i truly have waited til the last minute.  after i made that appt i had a little bounce in my step and that has not happened in a long long time.  so i am hoping things are changing friday.