You did it! You gave yourself an honest answer! Yes! And now you are ready to move on!
"i am lonely because i let myself get caught up in a lifestyle of deception where i was only used for a purpose."
Here you have it. You take responsibility for letting yourself get caught up in a lifestyle of deception and abuse. In other words, acknowledge that nobody took your self esteem. You gave it away. The question is why? Nobody has the power to make you act in a certain way or do certain things. We do it for a reason in the hope of receiving something back. Love maybe? The point is, we are in control of everything that we do.
" . . . this dog got kicked too much and neglected too much and i am biting and growling and breaking free of my chain, leaving my food bowl, breaking free of my owner's control, and maybe eventually leaving my dog house. "
You have taken control back. Congratulations!
Question. Are you still living with this person? If you are, leave the doghouse now. Even if it means going to a shelter. You will receive the help and counselling that you need. A new life will be in front of you.
Aharleygyrl, you have made a most important first step. And I know you are going through tremendous emotional turmoil. Take the next step. Talk to somebody. But you know what? You are doing a lot better than you think.