Relationship advice with Trust 
#75128
17 y
2,625
† Cross †
I would love some feedback on a situation so I can understand and find out what to do about it.
I'm married and our relationship really seemed to be happy. In the past, we had situations arise where my husband was caught talking 'inappropriately' online to other women. It really bothered me, I think mostly because I thought it could progress to an affair possibly. In the 8 years we have been together, I've confronted him 3 times about this behaviour. Of course he has apologized and said it was really stupid, that he loves me and won't ever do it again.
Just last week I was suspicious of him coming to bed late and downloaded software on his computer to see what he does online. I discovered that he frequents chat rooms but also has a cam and masturbates online while viewing other women's cams. He has been so secretive and cleans out the history on his browser so I would never know. He keeps his cam in a box somewhere in his office and even though I know it's there, I can't even find it.
I confronted him. I told him he has to keep my software on his computer so he will be accountable to me about what he does. He agreed. Since this is the 4th time I've confronted him about this (and it seems to be getting worse each time), I've asked him to be accountable to his parents so we can talk about this together. I feel I need for him to confess what he's done so we can move forward. He said he just can't do that as it would make the relationship between him and his parents awkward. I don't want to push the issue and feel maybe I'm asking too much but I want some accountability as it KEEPS happening.
My problem is I can't seem to figure out how I can ever trust him again. I love him and really want to work it out but I feel like he needs to make this up to me somehow. I believe that if this is what he wants to do, he will find a way - be it getting a laptop I don't know about or hooking up a seperate computer to his monitor that isn't being monitored.
Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.- He's a Bad Boy molly bloom
17 y
2,524
MoreThis is a reply to # 815,796Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
I let my husband look at porno on line, but I feel like real time interaction, especially CAM would totally cross the line. He obviously has a problem, and possibly even an addiction. I seriously would consider this "cheating" and yes, possibly a chance for meetings outside of computer play.
I'd get to a marriage counselor, and possibly get him to a counselor alone to discuss this behavior.
He's a grown man. I don't think telling his parents is appropriate. He needs to be accountable to himself and to you.
You are not being unreasonable. This is bad behavior. But you need to put the kabash on it, pronto. A marriage counselor will help with your trust issues, or rather, enable to sort out those trust issues.
Good luck you poor thing.
Molly- Re: He's a Bad Boy coocookitty
17 y
2,423
MoreThis is a reply to # 815,917I agree, I think the Webcam is way over the line and should be stopped ASAP.
And telling his parents? Come on now, that sounds very childish.
Have you tried increasing the amount of intercourse you have with him?
As a man myself, I can safely say when the testosterone builds up, it can get very frustrating to go days or weeks without release.
Hope this helps.
- Re: He's a Bad Boy coocookitty
17 y
2,423
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #31815
17 y
2,120
This is a reply to # 815,796Your third paragraph is really shocking - the transition with which you seem to have decided this is okay and it's your job to make it better. Why?
This is not *in any way* okay. He is betraying you.
If he's having an issue with sexual satisfaction, he needs to come to you to talk about it. Viewing porn is a complete trashing of your relationship. It's toxic and it's degrading.
That's how your husband gets off?
It's a sickness. I've been there with somoene, and it doesn't get better. The lies only get better.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but trust me. There are men who don't do this or who would feel shame about doing this to their wives. I worry about this man's character. Even if you went to counseling, is he really willing to be honest with *himeself* about this?- Re: Relationship advice with Trust nickatnight
17 y
2,439
This is a reply to # 815,962Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
I agree 100%. Pornography is a serious addiction, as bad as any other. You've often heard that marijuana is the gateway drug to harder drugs. Well, pornography is the "gateway drug" to worse sexual misconduct. Misconduct that he is already participating in. Both of those behaviors need to stop.
take care
Nick- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #75128
17 y
2,283
This is a reply to # 815,974Hello All,
Thanks for your advice, input and suggestions. I do agree that asking him to talk to his parents is wrong. It's between the two of us and it's something we need to work out together.
As far as making sure he has enough sex, that is the part that puzzles me. We have a healthy sexual relationship and I do go out of my way to make it interesting. I do know that the cam situation has really crossed all lines and yes I do feel betrayed.
He seems to be responding to my demands that this has to stop but now I am faced with the mistrust and all the lies. I am sure there is a healing process - I just don't know if there is any hope I can trust him again. This is the 4th time we've been over this together. I told him that he won't get another chance, if he really loves me like he says he does, he needs to prove it.- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #31815
17 y
2,007
This is a reply to # 816,012Yeah, in my situation the sex was normal and healthy. That should be enough. It's not you . . .
Please don't make anymore excuses for him. Four times is way more than this situation deserves.
I was destroyed for a long time over this. The man is still completely gone. He has no idea what makes him happy. He felt a gaping hole in his life that nothing could fill. He tried to fill it with porn. As someone said before, the porn turns to other things, other woman. It's a gateway.
Don't allow this to happen to yourself. I'm usually not this hopeless, but I don't see how counseling will help . . . he's the one who has to want it/seek it, since he's the one who needs help. And if he's not seeking it, he doesn't want to get better, and that leaves you in a really crappy position.
I don't want to be discouraging, but I truly encourage you to begin the process of ending this relationship for your own well-being. You will feel so much relief once you've put up the boundary that this is not okay. He has betrayed you over and over, why let him do it again? Why give him the chance to lie so that you can pretend it'll be okay?
I fear, once this problem starts, it's too late. It says a lot about his character that he's not a man who when he feels bad or needs help can come to someone in a genuine way and ask for it or articulate his problem and talk it through. Instead, he's turned to porn to feel "in control" or to let out his frustrations and anger, and that's *really* not a good sign.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. - Re: Relationship advice with Trust #68716
17 y
2,288
This is a reply to # 816,012Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
For me, the pornography was just a symptom of deeper issues. What I've learned over the years is that pornography can indellibly warp an individual's perception or belief of what a healthy sexual relationship consists of. Honesty, integrity, respect, encouragement, and partnership result in a delightful sexual intimacy. The frequency of sexual activity has little to do with the core issues of pornographic addiction.
What I learned about my particular situation was that my ex had control issues, an absolute hatred of women, and issues of violence that were only exacerbated by pornography. It doesn't take much of a leap for someone (man OR woman) to go from viewing porn to finding (or, paying) someone who will engage in the same risky behavior that they've seen. And, not to put to fine a point to it, once they've become addicted, a person is helplessly compelled to seek the next level of perversion to find an even better turn-on until it's the only thing that occupies their mind.
If it were me, I'd seek marital counseling and insist that pornography will not be tolerated in my home. Of course, you'll do what is best for you.
Best of luck to you!
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #42781
17 y
2,379
This is a reply to # 816,260I wouldn't rate his webcam relationship as "p 0 r nography", more cyber sex, which I think is much more damaging to a relationship (with big question being if it was with a willing adult looking for a partner or if it was through some p 0 r n service).
While on the subject of p 0 r nography, while it can be an addiction, and content of it is often horribly ugly, I don't think it is always and necessarily damaging or sign of a deeper issue - depending on the content of course, as so many different things are considered "p 0 r n". It could be that here I am confusing erotic with p 0 r nographic, but the line between the two is rather thin...
In any case, I'd make a distinction between active participation in some sexual contact even if over the net, and passive viewing of images or films with sexual content; the first I would rate as a definite "no-no" for someone who is involved in a relationship, while the second can be quite benign.- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #68716
17 y
2,356
This is a reply to # 816,757There's nothing wrong with eroticism in a healthy relationship. This guy sounds like his behavior has nothing to do with eroticism and more to do with trust and addiction. Four times, she said? Oh, HELL no...three strikes and you're out, Bubba!
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #42781
17 y
2,355
This is a reply to # 817,953To be brutally honest, if I was his wife, it would be - one strike and you're out
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #42781
17 y
2,355
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #68716
17 y
2,356
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #42781
17 y
2,379
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #31815
17 y
2,007
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #75128
17 y
2,283
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust nickatnight
17 y
2,439
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust farfanarma
17 y
2,287
This is a reply to # 815,796no way! i was engaged to a guy like that and all of a sudden he wanted me to do the same stuff. i got rid of him quick.
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #31815
17 y
1,965
This is a reply to # 816,280Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
Yeah, Soulful, I have to disagree with you on this one. Although, I agree with everything you said in your post, the part about getting marital counseling. Why is it her problem? It's his, and if he doesn't want to seek help for it, why should she waste her time? He's good at lying. He's done it to her before. So she goes and pays for counseling just to say "no more in my home" and he goes "Okay" and continues in even more hidden ways.
I don't think counseling is a good idea. She needs to get out. He's past the point of return . . .- Re: Relationship advice with Trust molly bloom
17 y
2,230
This is a reply to # 816,322Why do you all just want this woman to give up on her marriage? Yeah, the guy is behaving badly, but we don't know him. He may be salvagable.
So instead of seeking help she should just throw her hands up in the air and leave? I totally disagree.
I have lived with a man with clinical Depression for the whole 23 years I've been with him. I'm sure many woman would have given up on him, and it hasn't been easy. But there is a reason I've been with him, and had a child with him. I love him. I forgive his imperfections. And should I get to a place that it's too hard, then you bet I'd drag him to marriage counseling. And I've been close in the last 23 years.
You marry a person, and they piss you off, you don't just leave. You at least try to repair. You explore all opportunties until they are exhausted, and then you make some very painful and hard decisions. Divorce is not easy.
Porno is not the end of the earth. My husband looks at it, and I know he does. He is not perverted, he is a man. And it has not changed our relationship, sexually or anything else. I am not jealous of this, nor am I puritanical. I really think we have turned the joy and interest of sex into something very perverted in this country.
That being said, I am however very against that CAM thing. That is not good. But again, not the end of the earth. He has found something that really turns him on, but unfortunately he is married, and that is wrong. If you ask another man if what he is doing is bad, many will think what he is doing is pretty cool. If you ask any woman, they will say to chop his balls off.
It's very much a matter of perception that has to do with upbringing, education, religious ideals..the whole nine yard.
So, don't be hasty. I think a marriage counselor will help you both sort all of this out.
Molly- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #31815
17 y
2,116
This is a reply to # 816,673Molly,
I'm sorry to hear about your husband. In general, I agree with your statements about marriage, but I think you're comparing apples and oranges. I wouldn't advise this woman to leave her husband if she was writing on here that he had diabetes. But he is clearly betraying her. Why is that something she should waste her time trying to fix?
Obviously, the choice is up to her and we all have our levels of comfort. But I think for those of us who've dealt with this situation, the prospect of it getting better or the man discontinuing the behavior for good are pretty bleak. - Re: Relationship advice with Trust ANVIL
17 y
2,352
This is a reply to # 816,673Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
I agree with 31815.
There are imperfections and there are betrayals. If he's into the cam thing, it is doubtful that he has stopped there. Yes, it is a matter of perception. Funny how when a married women gets her kicks from other men, it is not so cool. Who made these rules. Men mostly, culture, and religion.
If men and religion are saying its ok, no wonder many women get burned in relationships. Although nowadays, women are waking up a little, and giving a little of what goes around, comes around. Sometimes even being the first at bat. Because it is only ok, if both partners agree on the same boundaries. Otherwise, they shouldn't bother with each other.
And look at what's out there for men and sex. But women hardly get a tease. Who controls these industries....mainly men.
If I catch a man I am in a relationship with, in what I consider a serious lie, the honor I was giving him dies with his lie.
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #31815
17 y
2,116
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #68716
17 y
2,290
This is a reply to # 816,322Well, we can't judge whether or not a person is beyond redemption without knowing every aspect of their marital history. According to the initial concern, pornography and trust issues are what's causing problems in this relationship and we can't possibly know what issues are at the core of those symptoms. There was no mention of domestic violence or abuse, though I have personal issues when trust is broken, particularly on 4 occasions that are verifiable.
The reason to seek marital counseling is that the relationship is in jeopardy. Now, it's quite possible that the counselor/therapist will wish to see them together, separately, or only him with her joining after ten weeks (or, whatever). If the relationship is has any redeeming qualities left, then they must both work together as partners to salvage what they can and the counselor/therapist will structure the sessions in the best way to assist both parties involved.
If, however, the relationship is so far gone that nothing can be salvaged, counseling is still a good idea (individually, at least) so that both parties might learn better techniques at communication, trust enhancement, respect, boundaries, etc.
For now, I would have to say that this fellow has obliterated the bonds of trust and leaped across all boundaries of acceptable behavior. Just my opinion, though - others may feel differently.
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust molly bloom
17 y
2,230
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #31815
17 y
1,965
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #75190
17 y
2,244
This is a reply to # 815,796I'm so sorry that your husband is putting you through this. Just know that it is not your fault. He has made these choices and, though he thought you would never find out, has completely disregarded you as a human being and has shown complete disrespect. He has lied and lied. There really is no way you can trust him again. His behavior is totally cheating, if it wasn't you wouldn't not feel so hurt and betrayed. It is also perverted as far as I'm concerned, and shows a total lack of self-worth.
You say you love him, but it takes two people to make a committed relationship! He has repeatedly gone against that trust! No, you never will trust him again, and I'm so sorry to say, but chances are that, yes, he will betray you again - whether you find out about it or not.
I know it hurts.. I've been there, but it is not your fault at all. We can't control what others do, and if they decide to act in a way that's hurtful, the only thing we can do is NOT tolerate it.
Good luck, what happens now IS totally up to you.
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Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #68716
17 y
2,238
This is a reply to # 815,796Sounds like everyone's given you good advice so far, they all make sense in their own right. You've got a tough decision here, which probably ought to include consideration of your ages and whether there are children, financials, etc.
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #42781
17 y
2,388
This is a reply to # 815,796It seems to me that he gets quite a bit of satisfaction from not being caught (or being naughty and not being caught), and you get some sort of satisfaction from outsmarting him. If this cat and mouse game is the underlying dynamics of your relationship, then you first need to change that. Be equal partners, don't be his boss or persecutor (as evidenced by the request that he fess up with his parents), and he needs to learn to be responsible and mature.
- Men like that don't change. bummer. ... #33813 17 y 2,191
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #74844
17 y
2,228
This is a reply to # 815,796First I will say that I do not wish to be in your situation. I can only imagine how you feel. But lets not imagine how you feel for just one minute. You did say that you still have a healthy sex life with your husband. So in other words you are still getting what you want sexually. Right? Your husband is in fact giving you what you want? Okay now lets imagine how he feels...you are not giving him what he wants. Why don't you get a laptop and a cam and go in the other room..trust me, its not about who he is doing it with, it's about what he is doing. We all have our preferences whether we admit it or not. While your gasping at my words..have you ever done this? Do you know if you'll enjoy it? Then give it a try..might just save your marriage and give you the time of your life! Please don't think I'm being rude or mean or unsensative to your feelings. I'm just being real. What if he forced you to eat vanilla ice cream all the time..wouldn't you be tempted to eat chocolate..sometimes? As awful as this may sound, when I turned 18 the advise my mother told me regarding men was "if you ain't gonna do it someone else will" and that applies to everything!
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust angiev
17 y
2,199
This is a reply to # 832,636Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
Hello and thank you for your advice. I moved out and left this man and it caused him to see that our marriage was in a crisis. He went (and continues to go) for counselling and his counsellor let him know that he has a sex addition. He has been working at getting help and starting to go to a support group. I moved back in as I can see he really wants to change his bad behaviour.
I'm not prudish but I don't feel my 'camming' with other men or with him would benefit our relationship. Personally, I believe it will feed his addiction. So, we are taking the necessary steps to a healthy relationship. Does this mean I trust him? Hell no. I will be more aware and reading up on sexual addictions. Overall I love this man and want him to be healthy and I want to work together with him to achieve this. Will it be easy? I'm sure it won't but I'm willing to try - for better or worse.- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #68716
17 y
2,180
This is a reply to # 834,306"I'm not prudish but I don't feel my 'camming' with other men or with him would benefit our relationship."
One of the most degrading issues that I faced during my marriage to my ex NPD was that he began demanding that I involve myself in a threesome. He contacted male escort services to inquire about costs, attempted to discuss his male friends as possible partners, and insisted that "all women fantasize about being raped." I never did give in to his demands, thank God. IMO, using one person as a tool (regardless of the reason) for their own sexual gratification has nothing to do with "love," whatsoever. Love doesn't involve fear, degradation, humiliation, shame, or pain (emotional/physical).
Best of luck to you!
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust #68716
17 y
2,180
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust angiev
17 y
2,199
- Re: Relationship advice with Trust fighting weight
17 y
2,264
This is a reply to # 815,796I was married at 19 and i caught my husband with porn way before internet.He never seemed interested in me sexually,even our first year he was 23,i think this was something that was apart if his life early on.I tried everything to help us he always made me feel as if i was trying to always start a fight.i divorced after 11 years and 2 children,it never changed.i never told anyone why i just said i wasn't happy.everyone made me feel so bad ,why would i leave someone who loved me and my children so much.i felt so much guilt that after 3 years i went back and remarried him,i think he was trying,i know things weren't quite there.i had so much bitterness and anger inside me that i really never forgave him that after about 4 years i thought about leaving again ,but for some reason i started having an affair,i had gotten to the point i didn't care;what i done was wrong; he ended up divorcing me,we were together about 7 more years.I really think i never forgave him,i didn't realize that until i saw he wouldn't forgive me.without forgiveness you live in the past and you can't move forward.I treated him like he had an affair i felt very betrayed.the porn destroyed our marriage and if i would've known then what i know now i would've turned to people that truly cared about us and would of wanted us to be together,i always thought maybe we could've got some help.He's a good man a wonderful father;but we've been apart 4 years now{inMarch we would've been married 24 yrs}we will never be back together and give our children the family they deserveAdvertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- He's a Bad Boy molly bloom
17 y
2,524
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