Blog: Back to Myself - Summer 2015
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Day 18 & the world is doing its best to shake me

Day 18 - Dramas & Dough Heads

Date:   1/29/2015 5:47:06 AM   ( 6 y ) ... viewed 681 times

Jeez Louise.... Day 18 - it's been one of those days! I woke up to find my bf had once again smuggled the completely banned from our mandala ie. home substances of weed begged from the next door neighbor and yet another empty bottle of Captain Morgan's... sigh... hidden in his 4x4 when I went to get some of my things out this morning from the recent trip - all there with a makeshift bong... I gave him marching orders as he has totally smashed his commitment to me not to bring these substances to our home. He has a real problem with addiction in general, it just keep coming up & up - it's very much in his face - on one hand he's a scholar, brilliant composer, incredible genius capable of really wonderful things, a student of very high lamas and soon to attend an unprecedented and very precious retreat with H.H. the Dalai Lama... teacher training on the path to be a Lama himself some day or Acharya... and then this aspect of his messed up childish behavior, childhood trauma and general bad attitudes & worse behavior... He is one tough case - Love the guy - which is why I'm tough as nails on him. He's really done it this time, it's been coming up over and over lately this drinking mostly & the pot thing. I have a lot of friends who drink & smoke, don't get me wrong - and while I wouldn't have a partner who was a chronic pot head because I really don't want to be in that energy or have it around me to that point - most people I know that do this stuff aren't in the fix he's in with it. The guy will smuggle a whole bottle of hard liiqor into the house and basically do his best to polish it off straight within a few hours, getting totally falling over blind & god, it's just self abuse... I hate to think what he's doing to his liver. I've never seen anyone drink like that.
I'd have no problem with him drinking like a human being, enjoying himself etc or the occasional j at a gathering but with this guy it never and can't end there. If he's allowed to have a couple drinks after work and to try and enjoy that and practice moderation, he'll be stepping that up and sneaking it in and polishing off a whole bottle like that by the end of a few days... It is so messed up.
Last time he did this, I almost broke up with him - kicked him out, he was falling down drunk by the time I discovered him - in the early morning when he had to drive and work only 6 hours later (he's still a Probationary driver which means in Australia you are not a learner but still a relatively new driver and not allowed to have any alcohol in your bloodstream at all legally if you are to drive...) Well he was totally messed up, got in his 4x4 and actually started driving off down the road when he couldn't even walk! I was so worried he'd end up in a ditch or killing someone, I ran out of the house waving my arms - luckily he had the sense to come back a few minutes later when I took the keys off him and told him to sleep it off in his car. He didn't even remember any of this later...
He convinced me he was so hungover at work and suffered so much that he had realized how messed this behavior was and was not going to repeat it. Now he has, only a week or two later & so there is nothing I can do now but total tough love. He's going to have to move out and for a long time. He's basically on a minimum of 6 months good behavior bond with me at this point. Living in his own place. I don't know what it's going to take to wake him up - this might very well be the end of our life together, which except for these problems of his was going incredibly well. Oh well, it's up to him to take responsibility - I'm not going to marry my life and efforts to someone who continues that kind of path of lying to me, disrespect, self harm and potential harm to others. So that was my morning. Sigh.
I did a bit of Buddhist practice after that, some reading & talked a bit via texts and letters to a friend - not even abt that stuff... haven't talked to anyone about it yet, curezone you're the first :) Mum called... then a bit of tenant mayhem in the evening... one tenant of mine thinking that the other ones are dealing Meth which is complete rubbish, I think she's a little imaginative lol, and having to kick out another guy this coming weekend who has not paid the rent & is just in a total muddle with himself... Time for a bit of a clean sweep with him & the house should settle after that. Such is life, there is often a loss or a hassle in business - I'm used to that after many years working for myself, it's not a big deal, just win, win, win, lose etc overall you just move forward and keep trucking.
Guess I'm going to have a lot of time with myself now - and for some time. My bf has been working afternoons 5 days a week, so I've been on my own most of the week and only see him briefly in the day before he goes and at night around bedtime... now I've kicked him out I won't even see that - it's a bit much being out in the forest - the house and the land is paradise but every day alone with my cat for 6 months or who knows is just a lot of time. I like a lot of time with myself, but that's kind of too much. Maybe I'll just go into deep retreat & use that time for my spiritual path.
Pretty pissed off with him for bringing it to this. So over having our wonderful path disrupted by his constant moronic and episodic problem child behavior. I don't know if he's ever going to change... He lost his last partner who he dearly loved in a drunken drama, he should have known very well doing what he did and bringing those things here was going to result in this. He just thinks he can get away with it over & over & it's not the case. In fact, I don't think he ever gets away with it. There are always consequences & they are only going to get bigger and more glaring until he wakes up. Last thing I need on a fast or ever for that matter. Well, still going strong, not very pleased today - sticking to my practice though.
We were supposed to be attending the weekend teachings together this weekend, & driving up together in the one car (it's a 5 hour drive) late tomorrow night after he finished work. Guess I'll be heading off by myself doing all the driving there and back tomorrow afternoon - not thrilled about that either. It's a big expense & a lot of driving to have to do - I don't want to do energetically or emotionally due to this rubbish but I do want to receive the teachings. I told him not to try and talk to me or sit with me there. The really sad thing is he did this while I was away receiving initiation in his spiritual school & using that as an opportunity to break his promises and commitment to me. I've asked him for one simple thing, that if he wants to drink like this or smoke weed he do it elsewhere, go to a caravan park for the night & get off his face or a friends house but not to involve our neighbors or to do it in our home. It's not such a hard rule - he still has a way to indulge that stuff if he needs to - he hasn't honored that once though & now it's too late.
Strange, while I'm writing this my tenants have called my phone without realizing it & I am overhearing their conversation telling the guy who was their friend & took a room & hasn't paid me that he's got to go. Good to hear it from the horses mouth, those guys & me are on the same page, sad this guy is just a bit of a mess, apparently his father just passed away this Christmas, everyone has been trying to help him but he's just not coping & sigh, they sound pretty fed up with him. I can see this is all coming to a conclusion in the next few days... Just another run around, it'll be good to have it dealt with. Now another text, from the imaginative one... she has a friend who'd want to move in pretty much immediately... cool... well lets see... Then she called... hmmm this blog is getting a lot of interruption like my day in general - ok, her bf is going to take the freshly vacant room & she's realized my other tenants are not meth dealers and that they are just a bit messy in the kitchen lol, I think the dust is starting to settle... nice not to have to re-list and show the room, I was starting to think I'd have to stay on in the city after the teachings this weekend to sort it out - looks like I may be home continuing my fast & able to do some yoga, bushwalking, study, and ride around the living room while I mantra and read on the new trainer I got for my bike which might just be at the post office by my return :)
Kinda laughing at all this, not the bf part :( holy excitement in the household, pretty much a storm in a teacup tho other than me losing a months rent on this drowning lad...
Ah well... the trick with business is to have enough of it rolling that the little losses don't mess up your workflow. It's a good base now, but something I want to build on in 2015. Of course my absent lover was supposed to help me with that phase of life.. He's such a good helper but such a royal pain at times like these which are really tedious and far too frequent. The good thing about practicing the Dharma is you get more and more detachment & equanimity as you go. It certainly helps... no doubt in earlier years I would be boiling over, these days I just sigh, roll my eyes and do what needs to be done as best I can.
Well my fast is going well, it's true I've had a real decrease in temptation or thoughts of food today being back at home. My tummy is grumbling though which it doesn't normally do - I probably need to drink some more liquid, haven't had that much today, so that's the next thing on my list as well as finishing a special practice that should be done on this day - and maybe a bit more reading...
Just a bit angry & deflated underneath it all - it might be some kind of ongoing theme in my life, being a mother to these mixed up boys & I am really tired of taking on their problems. Guess I should really hold my bf responsible & just be very punitive with him - he's really at the stage now where he should be acting like a responsible adult all by himself & also appreciating what he has and the really precious path before him -- He's a funny bunny, he'll call me soon & tell me he's sorry & that I'm right about everything & from there I'll lay down the law - very tiresome dance, he can help me and make retribution by being responsible and in exile for some extended time - the only way he seems to learn. He very likely needs to go into some kind of counseling and/or addiction help also. I'm not his therapist as well as gf and mother, roll eyes. Got to ask myself if the end justifies the means sometimes.
It's a tough day tomorrow having to drive all that way by myself, probably pissed off about all this, expensive on the petrol & I need to find an inner peace and pace myself through this bf drama so that it doesn't become some kind of sabotague to my fast. It is very easy to let strong emotions and drama situations undo you & I certainly felt moments today of that pull towards despair and caving etc in many aspects but just looked it straight in the face - saw the white of it's eye & turned back to myself.

Swastiastu all you Fasters & readers,
better days to report soon, few are like this one!

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