Re: How important is sexual attraction?

I liked the response of the grandmother of 4 - but you notice that she said that sexual attraction - ie. "chemistry" is important in the beginning... and it is. In fact, I would say that the relationship is a friendship without sexual chemistry.

My experience is that I was married for many years to a wonderful man who is still my best friend. We had very little chemistry in the beginning and we had very little lovemaking the duration of our marriage. We had some wonderful deep talks and we did many caring things for one another.

Before marrying this man (when I was 29)... I was very challenged by relationships. I did not have good boundaries, I had weak self-esteem, and felt victimized by the relationships I had been in where sexual attraction was a factor. I chose a relationship that provided me with safety and emotional security and it allowed me a lot of room in which to grow and deal with my other issues. I did hope that the chemistry would improve and that my husband and I would become great lovers in time (because I could not give up the hope of having a fulfilling sexual and emotional life as well). It did not happen in our case. I believe that he was also hiding out from pain and disappointment in the safety of our relationship. Efforts I made to connect with him on a more dynamic level met with angry resistance and I found that numbness set in.
Eventually my involvement in areas of other interests such as activism put me in the path of a man with whom I have many values and passions in common including the revelation of a multidimensional and powerful mutual attraction. I also believe that the work I had been doing to recognize and heal self-sabotaging beliefs and habits allowed me to believe that I could deal with a relationship which does not allow me to hide out from my "psychologically challenged" areas.

I think it is a very positive sign that you are evaluating this need before you act on your attraction to others. It is a NEED by the way and so you can not suppress it and just expect things to continue as they have. Clearly you will have to talk to your friend and let him know that your needs exceed what can be met in your current relationship. Unless he has been suppressing passionate feelings for you that can stimulate a similar response in you, than you are becoming ready to initiate relationships with other men which have the potential to be sexual as well as platonic. Talking honestly with him is the most loving way you can move forward in your lives as friends and or whatever else is genuinely possible for either or both of you.

I wish you both greater love and fulfillment always.






Tweet