Re: Can't forget soulmate

Let me play devil's advocate for a moment.

What if there is no such thing as a soul mate?

Now, before you take my head off, think about it for a second or two.

OK.

Now, let's just say there is something called a "soul mate".

Then ask yourself this question: Are soul mates fate or choice?

In other words, did you choose this man to be your soul mate, or did some entity or circumstance outside your control decree that it should be this way?

My issue with your comment is that you've already decided that your love for the man you've decided to marry will never match the love you had for your soul mate. In other words, you've stated that you can never have the same kind of love for this man that you did for the last one -- the one with the trust issues.

As long as you believe in fate as the basis for a soul mate, then your statement will be true.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

I see soul mates as choices, not fate. Looking at it that way, the solution is fairly simple. Make the one you love your choice. Choose him. Want him.

Or, we could look at it another way. Where was it etched in stone that we can only one soul mate?

You don't have to give up the love for the past guy to have any for the present guy, you know. Your heart isn't like a gas tank and "can only hold so much" love -- unless you think of it that way.

My guess is you feel a bit guilty about harboring these feelings about your ex, without telling your current beau -- after all, in a way, you're concerned that you're "settling" for this man, and that could be kind of insulting. What this means, though, is that you're hiding a part of yourself away from him, and as long as that's true -- that you feel like there's some part of you that you have to hide -- you won't ever reach the state of "magic" with him. You'll be stuck in a realm of "guilty contentment" at best.

There's the reason why your love for him can't equal (or surpass) what it did for your ex.

I'll betcha that, if your fiance thinks about it, he's never lost the feelings he's ever had for any woman he ever had feelings for, either. Are you gonna hold that against him?

Don't you trust him?

I've never really lost any of the feelings I've ever had for anyone in my past. I hid them, pushed them away, ignored them, or whatever. But during this whole learning to love journey I've been on with my wife, I've discovered that my feelings for those from my past are actually "stronger" now. Well, OK, really, I'm getting better at allowing myself to feel that love, for my wife and my past -- the love didn't change, but my ability to perceive it and experience it sure did. So, the love never got "stronger", but it seems that way.

So, ultimately, my advice is to figure out what it is you really want, and then tell your hubby-to-be about it -- all of it. Fireworks may very well fly (and not necessarily the good kind), but if he's chosen you, then it won't really matter, and you'll get past it. If he can't handle it, then your feelings on the matter will have been correct. Either way, you get closer to the truth, and that's always a Good Thing(TM).

It's really not that big a deal, unless you make it out to be.

You're not the first person to still have feelings for someone from her past.

Good luck!

=-John-=
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