Does God want me to choose between fulfilling my dreams and the love for my Mom?

As with each of us, God has granted me a number of gifts. I write, sing, dance and act.

Here is my "issue":

After decades of moving back and forth between "Hollywood" and my hometown, due to mixed emotions of priorities, knowing "what really matters in life," guilt, and caring for my elderly parents, I have realized that hometown will always be my home.

But...

And this is the big "but" that has been haunting me for years...

"But"...I feel that I have not lived up to my potential - or that I a letting God and myself down by not pursuing my talents.

At the same time, I would not have been able to do what I've done for my Mom and Dad (who has now passed into spirit)...essentially, "spend quality time" with them.

But...

I'm 45. And another year has passed, and still, I don't see my picture in the Fall Preview issue of the TV Guide, next to a summary of the weekly TV show I've always wanted.

I go to a music store, and still, my CD is no where in sight.

I feel my life has passed me by...and for years my question has been:

Does God want me to choose between pursuing my dreams and taking care of my parents (now, just my Mom); is God asking me, "Which do you love more? Your dreams, or your parents?"

Has God really ever wanted me to make such a choice?

I see so many talented young actors and singers, and I see how successful they've become, and I wonder why not me?

For many, their lives have ben very different from mine.

Many had young parents who were successful, and helped them to pay the rent, while they pursued his dream of acting. They never had to worry about caregiving for an elderly parent - or paying their own bills.

All they have to care about is pursuing their dreams of being an actor, singer, etc. - which many have done to an astounding success.

I understand on many levels, that we "choose" this life and all its challenges before we are born, and I know that God loves me.

But...

Why would God give me these talents if He did not want me to employ them? Why would He put the thought of having my own TV show in my head, if He did not want it to happen?

I read once where God does not want us to "sacrifice" our own lives to live for another.

And yet, how could I have left my Mom - or leave her now (she has the on-set of Alzheimer's) to have my own TV show?

Into the mix, I have a sister who is very self-involved and who resents my mother a great deal for not being wealthy, and hip; because my Mom doesn't have any money to leave her when she dies, my sister has said, and I quote, "YOUR mother has lived her life. Her life is over."

Again, I know this is the life that I "chose" for this incarnation...

BUT....

"Big sigh...." :(


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