Fasting & raw to anorexia & bulemia

Hey everyone...this is sort of akward for me because when I started posting here, I was mostly self-confined to the cleansing/raw foods forums.
I got interested in fasting a while back. It wasn't too difficult for me, I had the right mind set back then...now I can't seem to find that inner me.
I recently made a location change for the purpose of attending college. I started off bad, after only a week or two of being here, I hopped in my car and spontaneously just took a trip to Georgia. I was planning on moving there for good but of course- spontaneity- I came back. Then I took a trip home the weekend after.

Anywho, when I was still living at home, I could fast freely and ate mostly raw foods while not juice fasting. My diet consisted mostly of fruits, veggies and lentils. Ever since I've been here, I just don't feel like I have the time, money, or privacy to fast or eat like I used to. I've turned to eating out even though the thought of fast food used to disgust me. I do this mostly when I am out of class and nobody else is at my apartment. I feel so horrible. Taco Bell and McDonalds are so disgusting and here I am feeling the need to actually give them money for the bag of crap they give me. It's sort of a waste of money too because I just turn right back around and throw it up. At first, the throwing up was due to stress, I would feel sick after eating fruit for breakfast and maybe my body just got used to it but I don't understand why I am eating this filth when I know perfectly well what my intentions are. It's like the only reason I go out of my way to get the food is so that I can get familiarized with my toilet bowl.

I've even started eating meat again! Today I made a list of the reasons why I stopped eating chicken and red meat in the first place and a while later, I found myself having lunch with my sister and I ate chicken! I had totally forgotten about it...I threw it up anyway. and I just ate a burrito from Taco Bell...which had meat in it...then, for some reason, I thought to myself "hmm, I know I'm not hungry, but I think I'll make myself a sandwich before I purge up this burrito. My initial idea of a sandwich was ONE slice of bread, and ONE slice of turkey folded over. Oh but no..once I got to the fridge, it turned into two slices of bread, one slice of baked ham, and a slice of turkey AND cheese...I don't even think I like cheese! The sandwich was not tasty at all...neither was the burrito but I ate them both. I think I've just lost my will power. I used to cringe at the thought of sodas, fast food, meat and other food items.
While I was living at home, it wasn't hard to eat right because my parents are in the middle of a divorce, and my sister was away in college, so it was just daddy and me. I did all the grocery shopping, my dad never really eats much so I'd spend 30-60 dollars each grocery trip...all on good stuff- different fruits and veggies and organic broths, teas, lots of water, and all that. Now, I live in an apartment with my obsessive eating vegan sister, and two other people who pretty much just eat the basic american junk diet...which is where I got the lunch meat, bread and cheese from.
I thought living with my sister, being vegan and all, would help me keep on course with my diet but my diet has gone from healthy and light to heavily eating, unhealthy and purging. I'm also a little dependent on Stacker 2 pills. I really...really need some advice or support...guidance even.
I want to know why it's so hard for me to revert back to my old eating habits, I've been trying! But I feel so guilty when I actually do stuff that food down my throat- mostly because I know how gross it is, how it will probably end up stuck along the walls of my colon and disease me, and I know I wasn't hungry to begin with...and I remember the days when I actually was overweight and I was happy. I don't even feel like I like or appreciate my body now. I'm only about 5'0 and I lost about 20-30 pounds after I got into juicing, now I just feel out of place. I'm still overweight at 136. I know it doesnt sound like a lot, but for my height it is. I feel like I should be one or the other - obese or skinny and I definitely don't want to be obese because that's unhealthy...so is throwing up.
Can someone give me some advice?
and just in case, my email is rbplette86@excite.com, i'd appreciate ANY emails
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Hey everyone...this is sort of akward for me because when I started posting here, I was mostly self-confined to the cleansing/raw foods forums.
I got interested in fasting a while back. It wasn't too difficult for me, I had the right mind set back then...now I can't seem to find that inner me.
I recently made a location change for the purpose of attending college. I started off bad, after only a week or two of being here, I hopped in my car and spontaneously just took a trip to Georgia. I was planning on moving there for good but of course- spontaneity. Then I took a trip home the weekend after.

Anywho, when I was still living at home, I could fast freely and ate mostly raw foods while not juice fasting. My diet consisted mostly of fruits, veggies and lentils. Ever since I've been here, I just don't feel like I have the time, money, or privacy to fast or eat like I used to. I've turned to eating out even though the thought of fast food used to disgust me. I feel so horrible. Taco Bell and McDonalds are so disgusting and here I am feeling the need to actually give them money for the bag of crap they give me. It's sort of a waste of money too because I just turn right back around and throw it up. At first, the throwing up was due to stress, I would feel sick after eating fruit for breakfast and maybe my body just got used to it but I don't understand why I am eating this filth when I know perfectly well what my intentions are. It's like the only reason I go out of my way to get the food is so that I can get familiarized with my toilet bowl.

I've even started eating meat again! Today I made a list of the reasons why I stopped eating chicken and red meat in the first place and a while later, I found myself having lunch with my sister and I ate chicken! I had totally forgotten about it...I threw it up anyway. and I just ate a burrito from Taco Bell...which had meat in it...then, for some reason, I thought to myself "hmm, I think I'll make myself a sandwich before I purge up this burrito. My initial idea of a sandwich was ONE slice of bread, and ONE slice of turkey folded over. Oh but no..once I got to the fridge, it turned into two slices of bread, one slice of baked ham, and a slice of turkey AND cheese...I don't even think I like cheese! The sandwich was not tasty at all...neither was the burrito but I ate them both. I think I've just lost my will power. I just to cringe at the thought of sodas, fast food, meat and other food items.
While I was living at home, it wasn't hard to eat right because my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my sister was away in college, and I did all the grocery shopping, my dad never really eats much so I'd spend 30-60 dollars each grocery trip...all on good stuff- different fruits and veggies and organic broths and all that. Now, I live in an apartment with my obsessive eating vegan sister, and two other people who pretty much just eat the basic american junk diet...which is where I got the lunch meat, bread and cheese from.
I thought living with my sister, being vegan and all, would help me keep on course with my diet but my diet has gone from healthy and light to heavily eating, unhealthy and purging. I'm also a little dependent on Stacker 2 pills. I really...really need some advice or support...guidance even.
I want to know why it's so hard for me to revert back to my old eating habits, I've been trying! But I feel so guilty when I actually do stuff that food down my throat- mostly because I know how gross it is, and I know I wasn't hungry to begin with...and I remember the days when I actually was overweight and I was happy. I don't even feel like I like or appreciate my body now. I'm only about 5'0 and I lost about 20-30 pounds after I got into juicing, now I just feel out of place. I'm still overweight at 136. I know it doesnt sound like a lot, but for my height it is. I feel like I should be one of the other - obese or skinny and I definitely don't want to be obese because that's unhealthy...so is throwing up.
Can someone give me some advice?
and just in case, my email is rbplette86@excite.com, i'd appreciate ANY emails Tweet