Damaged

I have just found this forum and thought I would share my story in the hope that it would be a warning and also maybe I may get some advice.

I have been wıth a man for over 3 and a half years that I loved very much and believed he loved me. Early on in the relationship he told me that he had been a cocaıne addict and had served 6 years for the manslaughter on diminished responsibiliyies of his wife. I guess most people would have run for the hills but I suppose his honesty and the fact that I was so strongly attracted to him or maybe just plain stupidity culminated in me continuing the relationship.

After sometime I realised he had 'episodes' when he became irrationally angry. These episodes generally increased in intensity over a few days and saw a loving kind man 'grow horns' and become an evil nasty fowl mouthed threatening monster who changed from treating me and speaking to me as if he considered me an angel to as if he considered me Satan. Usually the end of the episode resulted in him leaving me, one time he slashed the tyres of my car on departure, one time putting the contents of our fridge covered in bleach in the sink! Over the time we were together he hit me twice giving me black eyes and a couple of times slapped me but he was very contrite and these occurences saw the end of the 'episode'.

I began researching and realised that he had every characteristic of someone with BPD. I found a website detailing symptoms etc in his first language which is German and he agreed that it was totally him. I tried to get him to seek medical help but as we live in Turkey and not in a major city this is very difficult.

As time went on I created a secure loving home environment, removed any of the reasons that he always quoted during episodes. which basically came down to his jealousy, and insecurity. In the last 4 months of the relationship I didnt even go anywhere without him except once to a funeral. I truly believed that I was doing the right thing.

Unfortunately regardless of my efforts the relationship ended 5 weeks ago when at the height of an episode which was culminating in him leaving he punched me in the mouth, split my lip and caused severe dental trauma. I am now probably scarred for life, my previously perfect teeth are now welded together, they are not straight and even as before and may need replacing anyway. I can not close my lips properly and my upper lip has the appearance of a hair lip and is very tight to the point I cannot say B or D properly. I need further dental treatment and most likely plastic surgery.

I was not weak or suffering from low self esteem, I was just addicted to the love that he gave me when he was not having an episode. In every other way he was my perfect man and I thought I could grow old with him happily most of the time.

I was very wrong, I have learnt that this man with BPD IS a monster and no ammount of love care and logic will ever get thru. I was very very stupid and played a very dangerous game that I lost and paid for. The only positive is that he didnt kill me. but who knows if I am safe now?




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