You have a lot of healing to do. I wish you well and urge you to see therapy.
But I want to say one thing and I would like you to hear me loud and clear. Hopefully, this one statement can be the first stepping stone in your healing.
Rape and control has nothing to do with attraction, desire and love. It has everything to do with power over another person.
The secret is to learn to love yourself. Love and self-esteem does not come from any outside source. It comes from within.