Rape changed my life and I'm still dealing with it

I am now 36 years old. I was 12 when my best friend and I started experimenting. I needed to be loved and his attention seemed to make up for the lack of love and attention at home. I knew what gay was because my older brother was openly gay and I knew I wasn't gay. I was attracted to girls in school. I even had a girlfriend in the 7th grade. When my friend and I would hang out it would always lead to experimenting and it eventually led to me let him have sex with me.
I didn't like it but he made me feel loved.

I think I am still fighting to be loved till this day. I won't go into the rest of my story about my eventual rape by my best friend, his older broher and evenually his father. I want to talk about what I am going through now.
I have a loving girlfriend that treats me better than I could ask. She cares for me even though she knows about my horrible past. She even helps me ot when I have horrible cravings. No matter what I do I cannot shake my past and the need to be dominated. I am faithful to my girlfriend and hope to marry her someday, but I still find myself longing for someone to find me so attractive that they have to control me completely.
I would love to have some feedback from anyone on this matter. I have no where else to turn. Tweet