Time to put it to rest...

I'm very sorry that you experienced things that have caused you a lifetime of doubt and confusion.  There is no single "cure" for your issues.  The issues are many and you may find affirmation and support on a public discussion forum, but the affirmation and support can only go so far. 

You are going to have to decide what the best course is for you to heal the Self (Self = the "soul" or that which makes you unique).  Engaging in intensive counseling/therapy with someone who specializes in addictions, abuse, and so forth would be one excellent option.  Talking this out in bits and pieces is going to be difficult, at the very least, and quite painful on an emotional (and, sometimes physical) level, at the very worst.  But, what it will do for you is help you to shed all of the guilt, anger, confusion, etc., that you've been dealing with all these long years. 

From personal experience, it is important to realize that significant positive momentum will take some time, patience, and courage.  Finding the right counselor/therapist is the most important thing - someone who is recommended in dealing with abuse, etc., will provide you with the tools and techniques to face down your personal issues and put them to rest.  What you choose to do with those tools and techniques is strictly up to you - you'll either take this bull by the horns, or you won't.  Ultimately, you cannot change, fix, or relive the past.  What is in the past remains past history.  But, recognizing present behaviors in association with past events will help to prevent further damage to the Self, and others on a peripheral level.

Best wishes to you on your healing path.