I think that a moderator needs to hide this post asap.  

lolite, let me add one word to your description of this poster.........  "pathetic" coward.

My Best,

Luella

Being in therapy for years isn't the answer, here.  You've had some excellent and supportive suggestions and insights.  Loving the Self is primary, and love does NOT equal sex or anything having to do with sex.  Sex can be had with anyone or anything, as we all know, and as DQ pointed out, your past experiences, though heinous and horrible to endure, do not need to color the rest of your life with darkness and despair.  Perhaps, finding a different counselor/therapist may help - one who doesn't play "Let's Milk The Client For Years" game and one who gets down to brass tacks, so to speak.

Ending it all.  You entertain the idea of suicide for what reason?  Do you honestly feel that ending your own life would solve all of these issues?  Speaking honestly and bluntly, I gave thought to the same thing when I was living in an extarordinarily abusive relationship - dying seemed to be the ONLY way out of the legal, binding contract of marriage to that monster.  But, there was always something that seemed brighter than the darkness of my own despair.  I can't tell you what it was, but I held on to that tiny, tiny spark of Life for nearly 15 years, and I finally did something to Survive instead of remaining a victim.

Rekindling a relationship with someone who was involved in a very, very dark part of your life was done under what circumstances?  Were you expecting the former friend to express an apology?  Did you use the fact that he didn't even acknowledge the past as an excuse to jump even deeper into that cesspool of misery?  What on earth was your motivation for opening that horrific wound by re-connecting with this person???  I would gently and strongly suggest that a new and different counselor/therapist may be in order.  If you've spent "years" in therapy and then made an active choice to slice this old wound open by re-connecting with someone who was involved in causing harm to you, your current counselor isn't doing you any favors. 

Yes, what you experienced was heinous.  But, I will differ with DQ on this one view:  it is VERY common for young men to experience the type of assault that you've described.  sexua| assault against males is still a more-or-less taboo subject and is not often reported.  Facing down these episodes is only one battle in the whole war.  The experiences have "warped" your view of sex, love, and relationships.  But, you mentioned that you had issues of acceptance prior to the initial event with the former friend, and that may be the core of this whole can of worms. 

For me, the abusive ex-spouse opened the door to some very dark, taboo, and (therefore) alluring aspects of physical gratification.  At first, it seemed exciting to entertain some of these taboos.  But, it quickly went from being erotic to becoming a method of punishment, degradation, and humiliation.  And, I do mean it went there in a big hurry.  The mere fact that I had allowed the abuser to do something to please him was shameful enough for me, but when he took it to a level of spousal rape and torture as a method of control, all bets were off and the initial exploration lost its meaning.  It wasn't about mutual gratification - it was all about setting me up and beating me down.  Now, think about this scenario in relation to your own issues.  What is it about being dominated that seems so appealing to you? 

Find a counselor who specializes in PSTD.  It sounds as if you're reacting to numerous triggers, and the recent re-connect with the former friend has only caused an increase in the hypersensitivity to triggers for you.  You can manage this, you CAN, but it's up to you to make the changes happen.  Realizing and accepting that bad things happen may be helpful to you.  It also may be helpful to you to stop playing the victim.  Once we identify the sources of our abuse, we then make the choice to either be a Survivor or remain a victim.  From my personal experiences, remaining a victim is not an appealing place to be.  I won't allow anyone to abuse me, ever again, and this includes friends, family, coworkers, etc.  NOBODY is allowed to p-own me, ever again.

Again, best wishes to you.