Re: I suspect I was sexually abused, but have no specific memory, but all the symptoms?????

You already have a couple of good supportive threads to your questions, but I'll add a little more.  I'm a guy but what you are posting about is near and dear to my heart.  I have many 'not forgotten memories' of sexual abuse by older people including adults - of both genders.  Then I also have a "recovered" memory which came out all on it's own and sent me into some real difficulties.  Just wanted to let you know where I'm coming from.  

First I'll address what is referred to as the "false memory syndrome" which is promoted primarily by abusers who don't wish to be identified as abusers.  There is no such thing as a false memory syndrome.  It doesn't exist.  However, besides good counselors out there, there are also horrible counselors who have in fact planted memories by telling clients what has happened to them without knowing this for a fact.  Another and bigger source of planted memories is from counselors who use hypnotherapy in their practice and worse offenders yet who call themselves hypnotherapists.  So, wanted to get that out of the way before talking about counseling in case you ever do choose a counseling direction.  In my earliest counseling the counselor wanted to hypnotize me to bring up memories.  I refused, even before I had a good understanding of the abuse I was dealing with.  When hypnosis it is in the hands of unqualified people (and even qualified people) it can do more harm than good.  During the first stages of my counseling I got every book I could find on memories, just to make certain that I wasn't hallucinating.  So if you go into counseling I would suggest that you check the qualifications and licenses of any counselor and I personally think it would be best if you could find a woman counselor to help you out.  Perhaps even visit to two or three before choosing one and go with the one you are most comfortable with.  (Don't know if you have insurance, but most insurance will pretty much cover the counseling.)  Then, don't allow anyone (friends or counselor) to tell you what has happened to you.  You will learn that yourself as you progress.

You have many clues about your past.  You don't have to dwell on them though it is often difficult not to.  You have to live now.  Someone on another reply suggested spending some time before bed and going over in your mind trying to remember.  That may help.  Not knowing what I was even dealing with many decades ago, I began a journey looking for self that eventually took me to meditation which I've practiced daily now for almost thirty years.  It is meditation that brought my memories up and it is meditation that got me through the most difficult time of my life.  Don't know if that will work for you because each person will find what helps them.  The type of meditation I do is not a cross-legged variety, but an active meditation utilizing myself as spirit to cleanse and heal my chakras and energy system.  The way the world is now and coming at us from every direction, for me this quiet time is as essential as eating and sleeping.

Over the years I have read many books on abuse, including The Courage to Heal (which has been slammed by many, but only for one sentence in the entire book - and I still think it's a great one), and am currently reading "Am I Bad? Recovering from Abuse" by Heward Bruce Ewart, III, PhD who has been in private practice for over twenty years.  This book covers all kinds of abuse and speaks of "true self" - the self that existed at birth before all the abuse.  (He says that 98% of all children have been abused.  He includes verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.)  This isn't a self-help book in the normal sense, but it is invaluable to me in pointing out all the different types of abuse that we are exposed to.  And somewhere he does point you in a direction for recovery.

Do not trash yourself for things you have done in the past.  It doesn't help!  I've been an excellent self-trasher and it doesn't work.  We do many things testing the limits of ourselves and others and use them as learning experiences.  Allow yourself to be where you are at.  I'll give you tremendous credit for what you've already discovered and for what you wish to do about.

Keep on with your self-discovery.  It's a fantastic journey.