Re: I suspect I was sexually abused, but have no specific memory, but all the symptoms?????

Thank you for the kind comments.

What I've learned is to not look for specifics about "what happened" but to allow them to surface.  I wouldn't even hazard a guess about your childhood, but not remembering before seven isn't all that unusual.  There are many people around who can't remember prior to age twelve.  I know a couple of them, and to tell you the truth they both say "...I don't want to remember."  I've found that when we fish for specific memories, we are looking for the wrong thing.  For me it's all about happiness and inner peace and that's how I orient my growth and my meditations.  On that track, things will come up for me not only from childhood but adulthood too (I'm an old fart).  That said, I do have some very clear memories from age six months (didn't learn how young I was until my mother died and I found a document of the event in her papers), and even two and three.  Had those memories before I started this whole process of looking back.

Yes you are trying to find the source of what is disturbing you but actually you are beginning a journey of self-discovery.   This is obvious from your posts.  There are many, many things out there to assist you in that search.  Try what feels comfortable for you whether it's books, DVDs, etc.  Things that make sense to you in whatever way you want to find out.  The planet is going through a tremendous amount of spiritual change right now and a lot of people are like you, looking for answers.  Those who have pain and aren't looking are having some difficult times.  I personally avoid gurus, or teachers who claim their way is best and don't accept deviations, but do look for those who are open to allowing me to do my own searching within, and perhaps guide me in that way.

The explanation of why you don't remember some things is that you are spirit residing in your temple, your body.  Spirit doesn't like to be around pain (until it learns to deal with it) and when traumatic events happen, spirit splits.  Spirit doesn't remember but the body does.  If it was a painful event the pain is stored until spirit helps body to let it go.  The significant thing about that is that you don't have to remember everything that happened to you in order to heal it!!!  You can heal emotional/spiritual pain without knowing what it was.  So, while memories may come back, they are not required in order to heal yourself.

Another thing around the memory issue is you don't have to remember it perfectly.  Many things that we remember vividly may be remembered by someone else differently.  That's Ok.  The key is that the "something" did happen.  There is a memory "debunker" by the name of Elizabeth Loftus, PhD (currently at Stanford, formerly when I looked at her stuff was at Washington).  She is an expert witness on memory issues and has written a book or two on the subject and has been promoted by the "false memory syndrome" people.  Where she falls short is that she picks at details that are not remembered correctly while ignoring the fact that many people remember the main event.  She has done classroom experiments on this where she will create traumatic events without her students prior knowledge and then ask for memories after the event.  Again, she misses the point that people remember the event, though they may have the details incorrect.  So for me, the important thing is the event, not the details.  (Loftus is on a humongous lifetime guilt trip because she has incorrect memories from childhood regarding events around her mother's death.  Her focus on memories and incorrect memories is her way of trying to get rid of her guilt.)

Regardless of what you do or don't eventually remember - it is important only to you.  You don't have to "prove" anything to anyone else.  Your journey is yours and yours alone and it's part of the treasure of this lifetime.

I know you will enjoy your venture even though it can have both ups and downs, but self-discovery is very worthwhile.