hello,

I hope I will be of some help.
I think that such a memory loss is a very rare case and as far as I have heard,things that are buried deep in the unconscious would emerge (in the form of dreams/flashbacks)as soon as you accept to dig into them

How old are you? Did you ever get involved in sentimental and/or sexual relationships in your adult life?

I think you probably suffered a childhood depression, exacerbated by your dysfunctional family . I do not think it was a rape.

In my college years I had a friend that was weird...she did not want to hear about sex or any other matter that could be somewhat related to it ( such as menstruation, dating, etc) She was shy and would not show any bare skin...but for arms, even in summer.
If someone was talking about sex, she'd just turn her back and walk away. None of her attitudes showed femininity.
In the beginning I thought she was a sexual abuse victim. After slowly getting closer and closer to her during years and years of friendship, she finally confessed me that her mother had caught her masturbating when she was 7 years old. She hit her and shamed her in front of the whole family. This mortification ( it was, in fact, an awful abuse) had been so detrimental to her developing self that her psychological growth had been impaired.

In my experience, wanting to dig into our issues can be enough to bring them to surface. Try this before resorting to counseling. Spend 30 minutes for yourself before going to sleep, mentally exploring the feelings of hurt from your childhood and the memories you can recall.
Try to forgive yourself and to release the shame. What happened has not to be judged, just acknowledged.
Chances are that you will be able to dream about it, and through dreams comes a better understanding .

Wish you love and happiness

I dont know what to say really but Ill try to speak from my heart.

To reply to the first response to your post I would have to say it is very possible to have such a memory loss. Hypnotised poeple often don't remember what the they were doing while in that state. I advise to never go near that stuff, whether it be a friend, therapist, or even yourself. I barely remember my dreams, food I ate the day before, and lots of other things yet can remember alot of pointless things years ago very easily. That just really shows how strange the mind can be.
I have also read that sometimes things that happened are to stressful to deal with as a child and therefore blocked out of memory.

I have also had obvious signs in my life that have led me to believe I was abused. Lately as I have thought about it more, I've had memories that have slowly resurfaced that led me to believe many bad things happened when I was a child.

I started remembering at an early age while in junior high, I think, and then pretty much forgot it. Later in highschool, one time was with friends smoking weed and apparently I said, according to them "how the priest abused you..." which a) I had no memory of even saying that and b) no memory of that happenning. Now I am not advocating drugs in any way AT ALL. you are trying to find yourself and that is just another thing that can confuse you. Luckily by the grace of God somebody told that to me and "helped" me along to where I am now.

I sincerely hope nothing happened to you when you were younger but I have kept this in alot myself and have been waiting for somebody else to say something like this. I have been pretty scared to tell the truth, very paranoid and just pretty much "losing it". So the fact that you have taken the steps to help me along by what you have already said really makes me feel good, cause I wouldnt have been able to just outright say stuff like this myself. I want to help, and I really want help too so I don't even know where to start.

I think you already have a pretty good memory of your youth as you have noticed changes that happened to your personality. I also have had those changes but never really remembered them myself. The teacher in 3rd grade said how I became "quiet" and such. That shows that you have a strong memory.

You say you have had "flash memories" and I have had those too. I actually have alot of them as my abuse occured quite a few times. It is my belief that those are the key to finding out what happened. I had a "flash" memory develope from like 1 second of absolutely nothing regarding abuse, to developing into a 10 second memory of something that surely was terrible. Now I know I remember that. I am positive it is not some "False Memory Syndrome" which I believe to be another tool to keep the truth from being exposed. I now know a little bit more about me and what I've been through. I think that God surely blesses poeple like you (if something happened) and me because when you are a so young, things of sexual nature are really meant for you, and especially not meant to be forced upon you.

I really don't know what to say as this is what I think about all day long for like the last 2 months. I remembered it like 8 months ago, then forgot about it. Now I am set of trying to find out what happened.

I have read that you should try to keep a little notepad with you and write down things as you remember them. It sounds like a good idea but for some reason I haven't done that yet. I convinced myself that I am not going to forget, again, that I was abused. Therefore in order to do that I have to think about it alot and get those memories "back".

I have been through some scary and terrible things at a very young age. It is almost safe to say I have been victim of this my whole life, for some reason, and it really hurts me. I am now 20 and lately I have been figuring out why I (or maybe not me) made the decisions in my life that has led me to where I am now. I know I can't blame all of my choices on the people that did this me, but I guess I am now figuring out who I am or am not.

Sorry if it happened to you too. Be aware of everything I guess. I know for a fact I physically can't trust anybody as of right now. I dont know if I should or shouldn't but it becomes tiresome to always be thinking everybody is out to get you. But thanks for giving me the oppurtunity to speak cause I have definately held this in for too long. So I guess I just let it out spare the detail. I hope it helps.

Vintagelove, I am in complete agreement that counseling/therapy would be invaluable to you in moving forward, emotionally. I would urge caution with the hypnotherapy - it's a very controversial technique and one that I take issue with and I'll explain why.

A couple of years ago, I met back up with a childhood friend who had always displayed odd emotional damage. Over the years, she had been given this medication and that medication, but she was ultimately "diagnosed" with multiple personality disorder (along with her sister) due to having been molested (according to her therapist) by a playmate's father in the neighborhood. Here's where I have a problem with this: the man that she accused of molesting her (and, her sister) was alcoholic and drank to the point of no return. If she and her sister were molested, it was (in my mind) by her own father. I remember a number of occasions where he said and did inappropriate things with both of his daughters and maintained a very emotionally abusive environment with them both. I was always uncomfortable around him unless his wife or my playmates were nearby, but I never felt this way about the accused molestor. And, the "multiple personalities" that I was witness to were so contrived that it might have been comical if the whole situation had not been so deeply tragic. The hypnotherapist had suggested a host of things that may have happened, the possible personalities that existed with her, and so forth, so this gal (51 at the time of the diagnosis) went right along with any assessment or suggestion that the therapist made. The therapist made quite a name for herself, locally, (apparently) as she had uncovered and diagnosed MPD in siblings - a rare event, to be sure. I believe that she was even published in a well-known psychiatric periodical as my friend made mention of having a number of psychiatrists and psychologists look into her case and that of her sister.

Therapy, definitely! The reaction of going to school, alone, is suspect enough that you may very well have experienced some sort of trauma (physical OR emotional). Just use caution, find a therapist that is highly recommended, and ask as many questions as you can think of to help you determine if hypnotherapy will be a good technique for you.

God bless you in your journey to healing!

I'm very sorry to hear of your struggle.

I had somewhat similar symptoms in my past and struggle all the time with trying to figure out if I was sexually abused. Around age 8 or 9 I developed a fear of vomiting so severe that I didn't throw up again until age 16 (and I still fear it a lot at 31). I remember thinking all the time that I would rather die than throw up. I was also very focused on sexual things from ages 7-10 (ex:wanted my friend to take naked pictures of me, although she refused...I constantly joked and gestured to my genitals...etc.). Around age 9 or 10 I started feeling sick and worried about eating for fear of becoming ill, and I unintentionally lost a lot of weight until I became pretty emaciated. I would often come home from school just to be with my mother; I often had stomach aches and crippling anxiety while separated from her. My anxiety got a lot worse again at age 12, where I became suspicious that other students at school were going to "beat me up." I even thought a boy had sexually harassed me because he made me feel uncomfortable, but when we got to the counselor's office I couldn't explain why I felt that way or what specifically he had done. At age 12, I had also finally discovered a "family secret" that had been going on between ages 7-9: my mom had been sexually involved with an alcoholic gay (my mom is pretty androgynous and he was a weirdo...so yeah...) priest/family friend from our church, who hung around our family consistently, who had abused his power to keep my mom from leaving. She became suicidal toward the end of this time. Within weeks or months following the disclosure from my mom, she asked me if the priest had ever touched me or been inappropriate with me. Instead of saying "no," I felt something within me react to this question and said rather "Not that I can remember..." Ever since then, I have continued to wonder if something did happen (either with him or a family member...it feels familial).

At age 13 I became a little more depressed and began harming myself (cutting/burning). This has come and gone over the years, but I have again been resorting to these tactics when I am upset as they serve to calm me down immensely.

As I got into romantic relationships, I went through a period of making out with or sleeping with people, even if I didn't necessarily want to, just to feel liked or receive attention; I would often feel incredibly nauseous and disgusted afterward. Long-term relationships have slowly brought out a rage in me that I can barely control. I was not able to express anger much as a child, as I would be spanked (as a younger child) or slapped (til age 13). I also have/had an internalized hatred/dislike/disgust for myself around age 8 or 9 (the last time I had short (like a boy) hair...I haven't cut it since). At that age I remember also feeling very negatively toward our dog at times, who I perceived as needy (she was originally the priest's dog but we adopted her before he finally got out of our lives).

I have always been very sensitive to "creepy" men, especially old and/or alcoholic ones. My mom believes she was abused as a baby/young child. Others in my extended family have been abused as well. I have had a negative reaction to certain family members throughout my life.

I feel very strongly that something else happened besides the stuff I mentioned, but I often wonder if I am just making that up because I want more of an explanation for my symptoms. Sometimes it seems like what I know just isn't the whole picture...I feel like there is a piece missing. I go crazy trying to "solve the puzzle," coming up with a long list of suspects, but even though I want to know mentally, if I am not emotionally equipped my psyche will most likely protect me until I am ready.

I have an MA in psychology and am in school to get another one to work with the arts in therapy. I truly believe that trauma (which is subjective to the individual...what is traumatic to one person may not be to someone else sometimes) can cause all kinds of things, including the repression of memories. That being said, every person is unique. My advice would be to just keep listening to your gut, and trust that if there is information you need to know, or information that is necessary or helpful, it will come when you are ready enough on many levels of your being.

Sorry to write so much...I don't want to take away from your experience; I just wanted to share mine in case it helps!

Good luck with everything! Also, I would highly recommend finding a therapist that you can trust, that isn't going to tell you what your personal truth is, but rather helps you help yourself figure out what that is.