Re: I suspect I was sexually abused, but have no specific memory, but all the symptoms?????

I'm very sorry to hear of your struggle.

I had somewhat similar symptoms in my past and struggle all the time with trying to figure out if I was sexually abused. Around age 8 or 9 I developed a fear of vomiting so severe that I didn't throw up again until age 16 (and I still fear it a lot at 31). I remember thinking all the time that I would rather die than throw up. I was also very focused on sexual things from ages 7-10 (ex:wanted my friend to take naked pictures of me, although she refused...I constantly joked and gestured to my genitals...etc.). Around age 9 or 10 I started feeling sick and worried about eating for fear of becoming ill, and I unintentionally lost a lot of weight until I became pretty emaciated. I would often come home from school just to be with my mother; I often had stomach aches and crippling anxiety while separated from her. My anxiety got a lot worse again at age 12, where I became suspicious that other students at school were going to "beat me up." I even thought a boy had sexually harassed me because he made me feel uncomfortable, but when we got to the counselor's office I couldn't explain why I felt that way or what specifically he had done. At age 12, I had also finally discovered a "family secret" that had been going on between ages 7-9: my mom had been sexually involved with an alcoholic gay (my mom is pretty androgynous and he was a weirdo...so yeah...) priest/family friend from our church, who hung around our family consistently, who had abused his power to keep my mom from leaving. She became suicidal toward the end of this time. Within weeks or months following the disclosure from my mom, she asked me if the priest had ever touched me or been inappropriate with me. Instead of saying "no," I felt something within me react to this question and said rather "Not that I can remember..." Ever since then, I have continued to wonder if something did happen (either with him or a family member...it feels familial).

At age 13 I became a little more depressed and began harming myself (cutting/burning). This has come and gone over the years, but I have again been resorting to these tactics when I am upset as they serve to calm me down immensely.

As I got into romantic relationships, I went through a period of making out with or sleeping with people, even if I didn't necessarily want to, just to feel liked or receive attention; I would often feel incredibly nauseous and disgusted afterward. Long-term relationships have slowly brought out a rage in me that I can barely control. I was not able to express anger much as a child, as I would be spanked (as a younger child) or slapped (til age 13). I also have/had an internalized hatred/dislike/disgust for myself around age 8 or 9 (the last time I had short (like a boy) hair...I haven't cut it since). At that age I remember also feeling very negatively toward our dog at times, who I perceived as needy (she was originally the priest's dog but we adopted her before he finally got out of our lives).

I have always been very sensitive to "creepy" men, especially old and/or alcoholic ones. My mom believes she was abused as a baby/young child. Others in my extended family have been abused as well. I have had a negative reaction to certain family members throughout my life.

I feel very strongly that something else happened besides the stuff I mentioned, but I often wonder if I am just making that up because I want more of an explanation for my symptoms. Sometimes it seems like what I know just isn't the whole picture...I feel like there is a piece missing. I go crazy trying to "solve the puzzle," coming up with a long list of suspects, but even though I want to know mentally, if I am not emotionally equipped my psyche will most likely protect me until I am ready.

I have an MA in psychology and am in school to get another one to work with the arts in therapy. I truly believe that trauma (which is subjective to the individual...what is traumatic to one person may not be to someone else sometimes) can cause all kinds of things, including the repression of memories. That being said, every person is unique. My advice would be to just keep listening to your gut, and trust that if there is information you need to know, or information that is necessary or helpful, it will come when you are ready enough on many levels of your being.

Sorry to write so much...I don't want to take away from your experience; I just wanted to share mine in case it helps!

Good luck with everything! Also, I would highly recommend finding a therapist that you can trust, that isn't going to tell you what your personal truth is, but rather helps you help yourself figure out what that is.
Tweet