weird feelings

well,I have been chatting online at work with this one girl that works in another department,she is cute,21 and has a hot little body on her lol.Though when I am near
her she brings up some frightening feelings inside of me,everything from confusion to
fear to anxiety to happiness and excitement.The only problem is that she also brings
about alot of repressed anger and manic energy because I have basically sworn off
females emotionally and kinda just built walls around my heart,I don't even look
at alot of girls 'that way' unless they have a pretty face,but most of the time I
just don't care about them much,but this one girl it's ..I don't know what it is,really.I just feel like she brings about so many conflicting feelings inside of
me that it really stresses me out,it's not that I like her 'that much' it's just
that she has kinda a big wrench in my woman hating world ,okay maybe not hating..
just contempt lol.When I like someone I am real intense,passionate and borderline
obsessive over them,but also I am very loving,genuine,kind and horribly faithful..
I could care less about other woman,they would have to drug me,strap me down,blind
fold me and use a penis pump and v1agra to get me to cheat on my girl!

I don't know,I just get wound up around her but then again when my moods shifts
my feelings about her (and my outlook on the world) shift right along with it.
I want her horribly on some days and it's distracting when trying to work near
her, strangely enough a part of me kinda hates and resents her for making me
feel this way.I feel like I want to grab her,pull her close and hold her tightly
and never let go,the other part of me wants to scream,curse,yell and vent all of
my anger towards her and tell her how much I hate and despise her..sadly enough,
it's been this way with alot of my ex's.I feel exactly the same way about my
own mom,desperately wanting her love and approval,her affection and attention..
but not knowing of how to rightfully get it instead of crying out for attention
or pouting.It feels like I can deal with any problem in the world,but when it comes
to this stuff if really knocks me off balance.

I used to race up mountain side windy roads in my sporty turbo sedan,
drag race to access speeds of 150mph on open freeways (deserted),get into
gang fights as a youth and been involved in shoot outs,thrown in juvee and
told to spread em so the security can eye ball my nutts and butthole to make
sure there are no open sores or maybe just to get his jollies off,who knows..
all of that stuff did not fade me one bit,but this one little thing,
this tiny sweet and petite little girl is enough to bring me to my knees
,shake my head in despair and pound my fists in the air out of frustration?
I don't get it,I thought this is what I wanted,I liked her for a long time,
it finally happens and this is how I feel? I just don't get it,what more
do I possibly want??

I want to be with her terribly and take my time to really get to know her
and have something meaningful and beautiful..another part of me just
wants to say,fawk it..whatever,who cares,shes a whore just like the rest
of them,go out with someone I don't like but have amazing sex with and
just live out my days,loveless,cold and not giving a shat,sounds pretty
horrible but that's just how I feel right now.

*this is cross posted in the womans forum to maybe get a womans perspective
of what they think may be wrong with me.
):