a brief confession

I never like the girls that I interested in,
I always end up with the ones I know I have an edge over or ones that I know that
would fall deeper then I.The ones I really are horribly attacted to..even if I liked them genuinely.I would drop them off their high horse in my mind,drown out the feelings some,just a little bit more..and then pursue them when the coast is clear.This process usually hurts me,so much more then actually being hurt..it's like I force myself to 'hate' them in my mind.It breaks my heart everytime but I do it..
it's always painful and it always hurts.But I do it anyways...

I don't know why I do this..partially out of fear of being totally consumed but more so to protect my own heart..I guess,I don't know really..it's just what I do.