Raped a decade ago

How to deal? For ten years I've been asking myself that question.. I've asked others.. and I still don't have an answer after ten years. I still have nightmares, more frequently on the anniversary of the days I was raped. Ten years ago I was traveling around the country with no money and no cares. My parents had just gotten divorced after 24 years of marriage and I was looking for the answer to life. I left my cozey home in Florida and went to Denver to stay for awhile. I had nothing but a suitcase of clothes but I had hope that the world was a good place. I started working two jobs and lived on and off the streets for three months. I saved up some money and bought a round trip ticket to Seattle that would keep me there for a week. I arrived in Seattle with the vision that everyone was kind and generous and I could trust whoever. I was twenty years old and naive. For the next three days I was raped by a man who wouldn't let me out of his sight and told me he would kill me if I ran or if I told anyone. I ended up escaping his physical grasp of me but I don't think I will ever escape the emotional one. I believe he stole a piece of me that made me who I was supposed to be and now I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore. In the past ten years I have fathered four children by three different women and my fifth is expected in January and I have already broken it off with this woman. I have fallen into deep depressions that have left me suicidal and hopeless. I have been in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices without any sucess of how I can get past this. Anytime anyone gets too close to me emotionally I run full speed in the other direction and I don't know why. I have recently started a new relationship with a woman and the anniversary of my rape is a week away. I told her that I need to talk to her because on December 3rd I will shut down for three days. I will push everyone away without wanting to. How do I deal with this? How do the people who love me deal with this? I feel like this is all my life will be until I die. Children spread across the country with no father to kiss them goodnight. A stranger to everyone I meet and a stranger to myself. I'm tired of running but it's all I know. I fear I will never escape Seattle.