Re: Off Topic~Thirty Years Ago This Week

Thanks for all your kind and generous words guys. I know I am not the only one to suffer loss, not even the only one to suffer loss due to failures in the medical community. Last week I got very sick, nausea, vomiting and terrible diarrhea. Something brought on a wave of fear that I could not understand, there were times I was literally shaking, some was from weakness and dehydration, but part was also an unnamed fear, a sense of dread. Even returning to work and discovering at least seven people had been just as ill (imagine my boss, a sweet guy in his sixties and with a deep Southern drawl saying, "Oh gal, Ah just threw up and threw up and threw up, Ah think Ah'm gonna go on home and go to bed") did little to assuage this unnamed fear. By Wednesday, I was so scared and depressed I didn't know what to do. I was awake at 2:30 AM and could not get back to sleep. As I often do, I got up and came to Curezone. However, instead of finding comfort in the silly-serious-happy-indignant-and always educational banter in this forum, I started hearing the voices of detractors. I heard "C" calling me the biggest loser on Curezone, the same person telling me I was a phony and had been here too long; I heard another voice repeating over and over I was sick and diseased, deceived by satan, mentally ill and a danger to Curezone. I spent the day physically in severe pain and emotionally devastated. I admit I was a mess, I drove home wishing I could go ahead and die and end this suffering. I did one more thing though, after picking up some veggies for supper, on a whim I bought a big ol' bar of chocolate. This was the best medicine for me. That awful fog of Depression and hopelessness cleared a little and somehow it came to me why I was feeling the way I did. This month I did not take the time to acknowledge and mourn the loss of my loved ones. I just pushed it all away as I struggled with my problems. When I allowed myself to remember what it was like thirty years ago when I was a young and fairly immature adult, when I allowed myself to fondly remember Grandaddy, who gave me a deep love for classical music, good books and words in general, when I said good-by to my Dad, and tried to let go of the guilt of not being with him when he died I began to get a better grip on the now. I wanted to write that article to honor my family, acknowledge the loss, but also to say it is OK to say NO to all the invasive procedures that do little to extend life, and robs people of the quality of life they and their families need in their last days.

One sweet memory I have of those nightmare days was when my mother's only brother came to visit her in the hospital. She was barely aware he was there. But he started talking about their Depression era childhood. I remember my uncle sitting near the bed and singing a song they both loved in their childhood in rural Texas. He softly sang "There's An Old Spinning Wheel In The Corner" and suddenly I got a glimpse of two small children sitting a the feet of their father while he sang that song. I think it made her last couple of days much easier.
Fast forward to the present. This same uncle developed liver cancer. He did go through one round of chemo and seemed to improve. When it became obvious the cancer had come back and spread, he refused further cutting, burning and poisoning and chose to die with dignity. Maybe that was my mother's final gift to him and hopefully the rest of us. Tweet