Off Topic~Thirty Years Ago This Week

Thirty years ago this week, October 26, to be exact, we buried my mother. The last two years of her life were ones of unspeakable misery, pain and fear. As much as we hated to see her go, her death was a release.

In the Fall of 1975 my mother started having severe diarrhea accompanied by terrible cramps and frequent nausea. After several days of this she went to the family doctor where she was told she had a virus, take some Pepto and she would be fine. After a week she was worse and went back to the doctor, he said it was just a bad case of stomach flu, it was going around. By Thanksgiving she was too weak to cook and too sick to eat. Finally the doctor sent her for some tests and a huge tumor was found in her abdomen. A few days later she was operated on and was found to have cancerous tumors on both ovaries. One of the tumors ruptured as the surgeons examined it and flooded her body with the highly toxic fluid filled with cancer cells. Fearing the cancer had "seeded", the doctor's exact words, an aggressive approach was planned in an effort to save her. She began chemotherapy as soon as she was strong enough to withstand it. She was so sick, she could not eat and constantly vomited bitter bile. Her hair fell out almost overnight leaving huge clumps of her lovely wavy brown hair on the hard hospital pillow. As soon as she was released from the hospital she began radiation in addition to the chemo. Her skin was burned, and a painful rash developed. Every time she was admitted to the hospital for chemo she had to undergo X-rays for TB-it cost $1000.00 up front before she ever got to get the dreaded IV. As the months went on the radiation stopped and the chemo was reduced. Her hair gradually started to grow back and she had a little strength. We began to grow a little more hopeful. Then, a routine test showed a mass in her colon. Back to the hospital for more surgery, this time a colostomy. The surgeons came out and pronounced her terminal with only a year or less to live. They still insisted on chemo though. They brought in a specialist (at $1,500 a visit to her hospital room. He suggested an experimental blend of drugs. There is no describing the agony she suffered from this. The next ten months were the stuff of nightmares. The doctors had told us not to tell her she was terminal. I now believe this was a huge mistake. We tried to protect her and I now think she knew she was dying, but wanted to spare her family. Powerful synthetic opiates were her only release. Along with Valium she could drug herself, but I doubt the suffering ever stopped, it just receded into a gray fog. Finally, in early September of 1977 we took her back to the hospital for more chemo. She was deemed to be too weak to tolerate the cruel onslaught of the chemo poisons. She was admitted to the hospital in an attempt to strengthen her. Her never left that dark, dreary, lonely room again. She lingered until late October. Her suffering was so intense she was put on morphine. Mercifully she slipped into a semi-comatose state. She was in a world filled with newborn babies and seeing her late father. I stayed with her for 36 hour shifts, then going home for twelve to twenty four hours to rest, and then back to the hospital. Most of the family was with her when she let out her last breath. A strange doctor from the emergency room was called to pronounce her dead. Mourning, exhausted and confused we left her body and went to plan her funeral.

Less than fifteen years later my father died a death almost as horrible in early October. My beloved grandfather also died in October after years of suffering from Parkinson's Disease and being used like a test subject in the local VA Hospital.

October is the saddest month of the year for me. How I regret being too ignorant to do anything but trust all the doctors and agree to whatever torture they suggested. I try not to dwell in the past, but I can never let all of this go. I grew up thinking doctors were like Marcus Welby MD (an old TV show) I expected honest and compassionate care. In reality we found little hands on care, no real compassion, no chance for discussion or any real choices. We blindly agreed to anything the doctors said.

I cannot allow that to happen to me or anyone I love again. To all those who ridicule alternative medicine and believe the medical/pharmaceutical route is the only way~welcome to my nightmare. Tweet