Re: ss...

I've always wanted a baby-sister, Mama! You're far too wise to be a daughter!!!

I think it was a very wise choice to make a public post - you were able to see responses from many different points of view. And, regardless of the tone, each post has its own merits, IMHO.

The most important thing that you can do, at this point, is to take a step back from the whole ugly situation, do your very best to shed all emotional connections, and attempt to view it with as an objective eye as you can possibly muster.

One of the things that I wanted to share with regard to my own NPD experience was how completely my own mother was misled by my ex! It is true that he was handsome, but that was all that she saw in him - he was handsome, he flattered her profusely (sometimes, in the most inappropriate ways!), and "seemed" like such a great guy. Because I never had the backbone to tell her (or, anyone) exactly what was happening in our relationship, when I finally made the choice to leave, she was beyond thunderstruck and refused to believe my accusations of abuse. MY denial fed HER denial and, even though she had witnessed the violent "horseplay" with her own eyes, she refused to believe that, behind closed doors, things became even more violent still. Those who knew us had no idea of the actual episodes that occurred and the degree to which I was abused and, subsequently, the degree to which our children were abused. For all intents and purposes, people were not only fooled by my abuser, but by me, as well - I HAD to maintain that deception because the demands of Denial required me to do so. Once I began struggling out of that tar-pit of denial, all pretenses, deceptions, excuses, and lame explanations were exposed and I was forced to make the choice of remaining a victim or opting for Survival. Once it hit the light of day, that was it for me and I chose Survival.

One particular thing that rankled with me with Nathan's choice of words (aside from his circuitous admission of domestic violence/abuse) was that he made great sputterings about having worked 2 jobs so that his wife could stay home and keep house and tend to the children - my ex did the same thing and would throw this fact up in my face no less than twice each week by saying (or, screaming), "I'm only ONE MAN WORKING, here, and you're not contributing anything to our financial stability!" Of course, at that point in my life, I had no marketable skills, no experience, and was so emotionally battered that I believed (because he had told me) that I wasn't fit for ANY position of employment. While he would scream at me about his working and my failure to "bring anything into (the) house," he would, in the same long-winded breath, lecture me on how child care costs would prevent me from maintaining a job.

Carman may (or, may not) be able to work, but being saddled with 4 children and a husband who makes verbal and/or physical threats of violence is enough to cause any woman (or, man, in fact) to slip a cog and jump off the deep end, particularly if the victim is young, naive, and hypersensitive. This doesn't excuse her choices, by any means, but it explains why she may appear to be a demanding, self-centered, self-absorbed lunatic. After meeting with one of the court-appointed psychologists, his report to the court was (verbatim), "...the mother is so self-absorbed as to be a danger to the well-being of her own children..." and, "...the father vehemently denies any sexual abuse of any kind." His report was so damning that I was not allowed joint custody of our children, only sporadic visitations that were allowed (or, not) by my ex. Even the trained and educated can be fooled by an NPD.

There are other undercurrents in his verbatim passages that reek of control issues (at the very least), but that's neither here, nor there - the main thing is for Mama to protect Mama's emotional well-being, PERIOD. It's very easy to get caught up in a sick landslide like Nathan's and Carman's. Once that rubble starts its course down the mountain-side, there's no stopping it and it will take EVERYTHING out as inertia and gravity take control, which is exactly what's happening to this pair of human beings. And, the worst aspect is that the children are at the bottom of this steep slope and they will be crushed under the rubble of these people's issues. So, protect yourself, dear Mama, and try as best as you can to remain objective and cynical. That way, if (God forbid) it turns out that Nathan is, in fact, an abusive, controlling NPD, you will have sustained MINIMAL damage from your exposure.

My apologies for the length of this post.

Luv, hugs, and best wishes to you!!!! Tweet