Re: Help Me Help My Friend ... Sweet Soul, Where are you?

Hey, Mama!!!!! [[[[[[[SUPERHUGS]]]]]]] It's so good to "see" you, again! You're a sorely missed person at Curezone!

I have a few suggestions with regard to your old schoolmate, and some of them might not be what you want to read, but I believe that you can process what I'm going to type. And, I apologize, in advance, for the length of my post.

How did the reunion with your old friend, occur? Did he find you, or vice versa, or have you remained in touch over the years? How long have you been talking back and forth about his marital situation? Do you personally know his wife, and have you had the opportunity to speak with her?

Now, he keeps using specific verbage that spells, "WARNING," for ANYone that gets involved in his marital issues, such as:
"I have been the one that makes all the money and i work 2 jobs so she could stay home. I wanted the house to be clean and the kids to do there chores. and when it wasn’t done I got mad. I wouldn't hit no one i just yelled but that scared every one," "I am not perfect but i never hit her i don't drink or smoke or do drugs I just wanted some thing done around the house, and wanted to know where the money was going. I been going to counseling for a year now to change me and make her happy," "i am nothing without her. She got me out of a real dark spot back in 91 I was into drinking and drugs, and when i met her i had a reason to grow up. Went to school and got training. And now I provide well for my family," "Even if i am just talking to another woman that is cheating in her eyes even though she wants a divorce we are still married. I told her that a mother of 4 kids and a wife shoudn't be staying out at a bar all night but she says she isn’t doing anything wrong," "You women are driving me crazy."

This fellow is claiming that he has nobody to talk with, except you, even though he is working as a fireman in a specific company. Anyone who knows a fireman understands that there is a very, very close-knitted community amongst them and that they are never "alone" and spend a great deal of time discussing their lives with their bretheren. Although he insists that he's never struck her, his easy reference to screaming fits (and, subsequent assertion that it didn't happen often) is also a serious RED FLAG. He is also confessing to domestic violence and abuse - not having a clean house is not a valid excuse to launch a verbal assault upon someone, and he also admitted to physically preventing his wife from leaving, which is another dangerous symptom of extreme control issues - it doesn't matter whether she's going to the mall, a convenience store, a bar, or Tahiti, he does not have the right to physically prevent her from leaving. I used to leave whenever my former abusive NPD spouse would begin his verbal and physical assaults - I would run out of the house and dash off in the family vehicle just to escape (fight or flight). He also says that he is the only one seeking help from a counselor. Since you haven't mentioned whether you are familiar with his wife or not, I'm going to assume that you don't know her and you've never spoken with her - her side of the story might be VASTLY different that the one that he's offering. He says that he's working 2 jobs so that she can "stay at home" and tend house - it's unclear as to whether or not she has a desire to have a life OUTSIDE of their home and that reasoning (expecting HER to stay at home and remain married to the HOUSE) is another symptom of extreme control. Then, he uses you as a reason for the breakup of his marriage - according to him, his wife believes that you are having an affair with him, but you live about 5000 miles away from Alaska and an affair would be ludicrous. It's quite likely that he's had an affair, before, and she's reacting to former issues that were never resolved. Again, without direct contact with her, there's no knowing. He is deliberately shifting the focus of the core issues away from their marriage and onto you - without saying as much, he's suggesting that it's his contact with you (5000 miles away) that's causing his marriage to collapse. He also says that his wife doesn't like his family or friends which is inconsistent with his statement that he has no friends - like as not, he probably screens their "friends" and "allows" her to be exposed to those people that he feels will not jeopardize his absolute control over his family. Finally, he states, "You women are driving me crazy." Take a step back for just a few minutes and ponder this statement - what does he mean by, "...you women?" My ex used to tell me (verbatim), "You women use your vaginas to control us (men)!" It doesn't sound like this guy has had any counseling, whatsoever - his language (not grammar or spelling, but LANGUAGE) does not speak to the normal buzzwords and self-examination that is consistent with ongoing therapy. His assertion that he's involved in counseling just doesn't ring true with me, if the post is, indeed, his exact words from his emails.

Mama, if it were me, I'd ask to speak to his wife so that I could explain TO HER my role in their current issues as an excercise to guage his behavior. I would insist that I want to speak directly with her to assure her that I am happily married, content, and present NO THREAT to her marriage, under any circumstances, and that I would be willing to make myself available to HER as well as HIM if it would help their marriage. By his reaction, alone, might you discern what's really going on. If he puts his wife on the phone, he isn't fearful of your learning HER side of the issues and there might be some validity to his words. If, on the other hand, he makes excuses as to why you ought not (or, MAY not) speak with her, beware! A classic NPD wants only their side of the story heard by friends, family, coworkers, etc., and will do (and, say) anything to circumvent anyone's effort to speak with the other party.

It is quite possible that he is controlling enough to set the stage for his own divorce by dividing and amassing "support" from friends, etc. I would use extreme caution and exercise healthy skepticism - there are always 2 sides of every story and, unless you are offered access to the other side of the coin, you won't actually know what's happened and how his wife came to her decision. Most women that I've seen with 4 children don't arbitrarily make the decision to divorce on a whim, particularly if they're being abused - their self-esteem has been beaten down to such a degree that the very notion of taking 4 kids and facing single-parenthood is enough to force them to remain with their abusers (note: suggestion of a year's separation so that, according to him, HE can get "get all [of his] problems fixed..."). There is a great deal more to the dynamics of this union than you've been made aware of. Again, I'd suggest extreme caution - an NPD supply source is anyone whom they can bait, lure, and snag for their own purposes.

I hope this is helpful, in some way. Again, I apologize for the length of my response.

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