Sounds like you're being really judgemental toward her. Have you tried some empathy? Some love?

I once had a bird given to me by an old woman who was very afraid of it (then it was passed down to several more people because the bird pecked at everyone and bit everyone and no one wanted it). I cared for the bird and even when it acted badly toward me, I continued to show it love - unconditional love - less than a year later, the bird sits on my shoulder, sings to me, nuzzles in my palm.

I know, as a stepmother it might be hard to show unconditional love for a child who isn't yours, but clearly she's in pain and acting out. She must find it very hard that her parents are separated and living with different people. What an adjustment for a child. She must be traumatized.

I didn't actually finish writing my post . . .

Anyway, what I was going to suggest is that you devote some time to this child, just you and her. Take her to a movie once a week, or to the park and ask how her day was. Clearly, you resent her, and she knows it. Naturally, she's going to continue to act sad and unwanted.

You're going about it all wrong just like most parents. To you, it's all about how her behaviour effects YOU. Sure she's a brat but WHY is she a brat? People think kids act like this just to piss you off and they don't. Get to the bottom of the real issue. Try watching SuperNanny or something where they deal with kids throwing temper tantrums.


Your brother is right on. "she is unhappy with life" and you cannot punish her and take away things for being unhappy. 2 negatives don't make a positive. Her situation sounds like it sucks. Look at it from her perspective. So she has a mother 50% of the time, You for 30% of the time and her father for 20% of the time? How does she live a 50/50 split life? So 3 days a week she sleeps over your house and 4 days she sleeps over her mom's house? Yeah, that sucks. Who the hell wants to live somewhere and sleep in a different bed half the week and somewhere else the rest? I'd be miserable too. Usually in joint custody the kid just does a sleepover with the father on the weekend and a visit during the week when he has time; not live half and half and then be babysat by the replacement.(no offense, but from a kid's point of view that's what you are) This kid sounds like she's being bounced back and forth rather than being a normal kid. Kids need routine and security.

How much attention does she get from her father? He comes home at 6pm and THEN she has to go to bed an hour later? Obviously not much time at all. And what's with homework cutting into special time anyway? WHY oh WHY does she have to WORK to get her father's attention? Do homework, clean room and her reward is some special time with daddy? What is that? Kids shouldn't have to EARN their parent's love and attention.
She probably feels that her mom and dad dumped her on you and then dad coming home for an hour to dump her into bed so he can spend the rest of his time with you. If all he has is an hour to spend with her a day why is she spending 50% of her time there? If his work schedule is that bad she should be home with her mother; not with you. At the least you could let her stay up an hour later but then it cuts down on YOUR time and you'll have another problem.

Do you ever see a pattern in her behaviours or what sets her off? Look for one. Take notes and keep a journal. Like does her Daddy say something nice to your son so she acts up to get his attention back on her? Does she act up when he comes home late?


She is treating your son like dirt probably because she's jealous. Your son has HER dad full time and her father replaced her with your son. He was her dad for 6? years untill you came along and now she has to share him with you and your son. She might do potty talk with your son because it's getting a rise out of you OR because it makes her feel good that your son is laughing at her and thinks she's funny.

She's acting out during those 2.5 hrs because for some reason she needs attention or she is just miserable with her situation. Why do you pick her up from school anyway? Do you live in a different city? Does she take the bus home at her mom's house? If so, one issue with you picking her up is that she could be missing fun time she enjoys with her friends on the bus.

Long day at school and now she has to go home with you and do more homework and do chores? Does she have much fun time ? What is her life like over her mom's house? Mom spend time with her or dump her on a bf/husband/babysitter?



Do you guys ever do much as a family? Have you tried to see past the brattiness and get to know her? And without your son around? It's fine that you don't instantly "Love" her but you need to try and bond with her and form a relationship. Primary CareGiver doesn't have to mean EvilStepMom.


What is your or your husband's relationship like with her mother? If you can talk to the mother and the 3 of you can go for help that would be your best bet. Like you said, hard to change when the other half is reinforcing it by babying her and probably spoiling her.

My suggestions -

Suggest that her parents come up with a new custody plan rather than bouncing her around and giving her 2 seperate lives. Her time with her father would be more benefical if she spent a few hours with him doing something special once or twice a week when he actually has the time.

Try to bond with her. Leave your son with a babysitter one day and pick her up by yourself and suprise her by asking if there's anything she'd like to go do.

Get her in a good mood and try talking to her and finding out what's really upsetting her. Ignore the brattiness. Don't talk down to her. Ask her questions like does she enjoy coming over your house, does she like you picking her up from school, if there's anything she'd rather do. etc.

Try family counseling with you, her mother and her father.

Tell your husband it's easier for him to accuse you because he's not there most of the time when she's at her worst and dealing with what you're dealing with. Tell him you dont want to fight with him about it and don't want it to be the break in your marriage and you'd like to try family counseling so you can work together to find a solution instead of arguing about it. Get him to agree with you that obviously there is a serious problem getting worse if doors are coming off hinges and things are breaking and patience isn't going to make it stop.

WOW!

I feel badly for that little girl. She must be going through a difficult time. But I also must say, it must be even worse with parents who are discouraging her to express herself full self.

There is no such thing as a wrong emotion. All emeotions are good, even when people project their emotions on to others. I'm not saying it,s right to do that, just that, its more understandable for an eight year old to project their emotions. I would also say you are doing some projecting of your own "difficult child destroying marriage", if that were true, your marriage would have failed little girl or no little girl.

As a father of four (three on them girls), I try to create an open environment for all in the family. Meaning, I want my children to be able to express themselves and not feel bad for doing so. Yes, my little ones do act out from time to time. My second oldest even does some of the things your step daughter is doing. But she is only seven and at this stage in her life she is learning to deal with her emotions and from time to time, that will mean tantrums and whatnot, until she feels safe expressing her emotions and has no fear of being punished.

The key is to validate your little ones feelings/emotions. I do this by simply repeating what she say's to me, back to her. This let's her know I am listening to her. I am not agreeing to what she wants, only that she has a right to feel as she does.

Here's an example that recently happened:

My oldest daughter(12) was upset that she had to take out the trash and then clean her room. I had asked her once and she ignored me. I asked a second time and she said "why do I have to do that, you never do anything?". I just happened to be doing the dishes at the time. So I came to her and said "I understand that you are mad that you have to do these chores, and you have a right to be upset. But that doesn't change your responsibilities. I'm the father and your the daughter. You might now always agree of what I ask of you, but you still have to do it".

Of course, you want to do this in a calm tone of voice.

I feel by going that approach, she understands I am not getting angry that she is mad, but becuase she is not doing her chores. This valids her emotions and at the same times creates an atmosphere of communicating her feelings, as oppossed to throwing tantrums because the child knows no other way to express themselves, or possibly, doesn't feel safe doing so.

Most parents go your approach and punish the child for, of all things, their emotions. If a child misbehaves they are banished to their bedroom until they know how to behave "properly". What message does that send to the little one? That some emotions are good and others are bad? That's just silly. All emotions are good. What happens is children grow up repressing a part of themselves, a very natural part of themselves. They will soon think that only certain emotions are "good" and others are "bad". Thus, becoming very unbalanced and repressed. Hence, tantrums once they can no longer hold it all in due to a lack of expressing their emotions.

How great it would be for that little girl to have someone NOT try to understand her, fix her or even empathize, but just hear her, not listen, but hear her express herself and validate her feelings. How do you do that? Simply repeat back to her what she expresses to you. Example:

little girl: I'm mad becuase mom and dad are not together
Adult: So you are sad about your parents not living together..how does that make you feel?
little girl: Sad
Adult: Yes, that sounds very sad. When I am sad I like for someone to hold my hand. Would like me to hold your hand?
Litte girl: NO!
Adult: OK, I will just sit here next to you.

That's it. Maybe the little girl doesn't want you to sit next to her, doesn't even want you in the room. That's OK. What's important is you heard her and tried to open the lines of communication. The little girl will know that, and over time she will stop throwing tantrums and instead approach you to talk about her feelings, becuase she will feel safe in doing so.

The little girl is going through a lot, as I am sure you are too. Your whole family probably is, and yes, you do have a right to feel as you do too. Maybe if you guys sit down one night and talk about your feelings with each other you will see an improvement in all, even if the kids don't say anything, they will know that they are in an emotionally safe environmnt and want to contribute the next time. Kids love to talk....especially if its about them..hahahah..

Oh, and as for homework...I always tell this to my daughter when she complains about schoolwork. "Fractions, man those are tough. Let me show you how to do that". At which point I go on to say the benefits of math, how we use it on a daily basis and the history of numbers. I then move on to harder math problems and explain when I purchased our home I had to calculate the interest rate over 30 years, plus utilities, divided by, etc, etc. My daughter then tells me she gots it and ask me to "please leave her alone". Works everytime and she is a A/B student....

Much luck and love..

Days Of Light