What would you do - part II 
#42781
20 y
2,569
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Hi Lessa, Autumn, and other kind people around here who shared their thoughts with me earlier!
Since I posted the other "What would yo do" topic, a few things have happened, that I wanted to share with you to possibly get some more feedback from you.
I was really starting to think (as has happened before!) that my wife is on the way out of troubles. She's been totaly sweet and plain normal for so long, that all the bad experiences seemed so distant that I thought I must've exaggarated...
Here's the rest of the story, fresh from this week:
This Monday (five days ago), was quite a busy day for me, but I was still home most of the time except for doing some errands and shopping for food and stuff (in traffic hell though - spent HOURS on it!).
Her and I were really close and feeling was great. I also did something that she asked me to do for her (avoiding details here), that might help her achieve her goals. Since I am into astrology and stuff like that, I picked the best possible moment and so on... we'll see if it worked out for her.
That evening, I wanted to really make her day, and despite having a tough day myself, I made her favorite cake. The recipe is not easy, I screwed up with one ingredient and since it was a middle of the night, I had to go to some stores far away to get the ingredient again.
Came home, finished the cake, she was really happy about it, and I was too. In the meantime I helped as always with our baby. Baby will not sleep without being curled up in our arms; too cute...
So, being dead tired around 4am just as I finished the cake, finaly the little one falls asleep in my arms. I get a bit dizzy, probably from being exhausted. As I was to put baby in bed, I almost fell (really didn't see it coming - I never fainted in my life), and barely managed to put the baby safely on our big bed - right on the little cover which we usually put the baby on.
She came in to see if everything's OK and all at once turned into a witch. I didnt' really notice what happened in her mind. She stormed out of the bedroom, into the living room, almost puffing with anger. I followed her, tired, cranky and not in the mood for arguments. I actually thought that this would be the best evening we had in a long time. She starts angrily criticizing me for putting the baby on the part of the bed which was not covered with baby's blanket. I said it was, she goes "NO!!! it wasn't!!!" and at that point, I get really upset, grab her arm, (I was a little rough - didn't care to be nice at that point) drag her into the bedroom and show it to her that, yes, even though I almost fell, I managed to put the baby on the cover and NOT on our covers (even without waking up the baby!). I again told her that we both could've ended up on the floor and that I am amazed that I managed to put the baby on the bed and even on the cover! Except it was on the very edge of the cover, but none the less - on the cover.
She goes - "yes but earlier today you forgot and sat down on the bed, and your jeans touched the edge of the baby's cover so now all kinds of germs may be in contact with the baby, and we were in the park and who knows what kind of germs you picked up from the bench...". It's all true, except as I corrected her - I remember that my jeans indeed touched the cover, but that was on the bottom edge, and baby is sleeping on the left edge - about 20 inches away from that. She stormed out of the room completely angry as if she just caught me with another woman or something. It is really hard to describe the anger I feel from her at those moments. I feel that I am the most hated person in the world. To say that I am feeling like "shite" in those moments, is not even close... I also added that if she really was concerned about that cover being dirty, she should've changed it. She said, angrily, she forgot to do that
As we had these kinds of things before, and they usually happen when things are going so well that I cannot see the situation coming, I tried not to get too upset and went into the room where I sleep when I need to get rest while baby is crying or when I have a flu and don't want them to get it from me. It wasn't easy to fall asleep as I just couldn't believe how she is capable of ruining a wonderfull day like that, and how she really doesn't care that I am the one earning everything she is enjoying, plus I still manage to cook from time to time, I also buy food, take us out, go for walks with her and baby, take baby to sleep, and carry baby around when baby is crying. I do about 30%-50% of house stuff (she does all the laundry, and we have a woman to help us out with cooking and other house stuff), and 100% of outside stuff (like bring home the bacon or fix our car or do some important paperwok).
The next day she is obviously upset at me, doesn't talk to me and so on. As we had these before, I didn't even try to talk to her as it really boils down to "Is anything wrong?" and she doesn't answer, or at best, she'd say that notihng is wrong - just to spite me as it is obvous that nothing is right.
So days go by, Tuesday, Wednesday, I try to do business at the same time and deal with an emotional problem at home, with a wife who hates my guts during those times, friday, same thing, even though I try to be gentle with her and she slips in some moments and shows that she cares althogh overall she is still pissed and behaving like she's the one who is hurt and rightfully angry.
Last night, Saturday, we are distant - I keep distance because I don't need my emotions to be ruined at her will - but kinda friendly, time seems to be healing things, although I am unhappy inside as she does this and NEVER appoligizes or tries even to hear me or do anything about it. And again I was with our baby and she was in the bathroom I hear that she scratched herself on a piece of glass. One of the windows was broken, I changed the glass myself, but left the old piece there and just never got to throwing it out (if you put sharp piece of glass in a garbage bag, it will cut it in no time). I just simply forgot it was there - and with all of my responsibilities, it is no wonder I forgot.
Well, here comes cruella de Ville again. She is so pissed that she didn't come out of the bathroom for some half hour, while baby was crying like crazy as baby was really hungry and I couldn't do anything about that - although baby loves to "talk" to me so I was trying to calm her down with soothing words which Cruella heard from the distance and yelled not to do it in the middle of the night ( it was around 2am) as that will totaly wake up the baby. Well it was either that or the baby cries incredibly.
Finally, full of anger and poisonous hatred which one could see from the way she looked at me, from the way she behaves and so on, she storms into the bedroom takes the baby, and I walk out.
Again, years ago I would get so upset I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. This time, I took one of my inspirational books read a few lines and fell asleep. It helps that we were not in the same room - being on the same bed with someone who hates you actively and doesn't sleep due to that, and falling asleep yourself is impossible I think.
So that's where we are rigth now, and that probably illustrates our problems well. What was really strange is taht I noticed that she put on some sexy clothes during those few days and I was a little puzzled by that - why would she try to be sexy? Didn't she now she's not really talking to me? Did she think that behaving like an uber bitch makes her sexy??? (not to me - those kind of games only make me want to run away screaming; nothing is LESS sexy to me). And above all - this is all happening while I am negotiating a really important deal. She doesn't really care, only asked if that meant I'd have to travel. I haven't really traveled in months, except once while she was pregnant and only for a week, so I am trying to keep it to a minimum. But you can't really have it both ways - a good life, and no work. At least we are not that rich.
What I'd like to hear from you guys is how do you see all this. Are all women in need of stress and anger every time something important is happening to your BF or husband? Or is that a random thing that has to happen to clear I don't know what type of hormone? Or is she simply a bitch who is too selfish?
In days like these I think she's just a bitch who if there is nothing to complain about, she will just make it up. And will NEVER AND UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES do anything to correct the situation. God forbid that she would appologize. If she did do that, it was kinda half-ass and didn't prevent her from continuing with the same attitude within minutes literally! I told her that even when she does appologize it reminds me too much of the scene from "Fish Called Wanda" where Kevin Klein beats the crap out of John Cleese, realizes he made a mistake, appoligizes with half-ass "Oh, I'm sorry" and then jumps on him, kicks him and screams "But what the hell were you doing robbing your own house!!!! You idiot!!!" and then realizes again what he did, and goes in a soft voice - "Oh, I'm sorry..." only to hit him again and again...
:-)
Anyone here has nothing better to do then share some thoughts? I'd really appreciate that. I just can't seem to be able to make sense out of all this. There must be something I am doing wrong too, maybe by being too tolerable, maybe too optimistic, maybe who knows what...
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- Re: What would you do - part II #42781
20 y
2,406
This is a reply to # 669,443Oh one more thing, just popped in my mind as I was (yet again) reading Lissa's response from the earlier thread: my wife doesn't really want to do something to get better. As opposed to Lissa who was actively persuing anything she thought would help, my wife is avoiding that like a plague. The only reason she ever went to a therapist was beacuse I asked her to. She did buy one or two psychology books which were quite good, but never absorbed much from them.
Probably the most amazing thing is that she can get some new knowledge, some revelation and within days she forgets all about it- like it never happened. If we talk about something and I help her, the very same day she's back to her old ways and unaware that she made some decisions earlier. If this is brought up, she gets really angry.
She also told me that she can't keep concetration while reading a book. She says pages can go in front of her, and she wouldn't know what she read... and she'd come back to read them again, and again, but the interest in the subject is not great enough...Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
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- you are clearly not the problem #28811
20 y
2,256
This is a reply to # 669,443if i were you, i would cut my losses now. if that woman - who claims to be your WIFE - is behaving THAT badly, THAT selfishly, and is completely disregarding your feelings, showing no real remorse, and most importantly, completley unwilling to try to change and get help, then you are wasting your time.
you say she's tried therapy, tried some books, admitted to lying to the therapist (meaning she got nothing from it and wasted your time, efforts, and money - and she did this intentionally?!) well, that being said, it's great she was even willing to kind of try, but where's the effort now?
i have some sympathy for her since she is clearly mentally ill, but that is not your problem. you gave her a chance, several chances, to try to change, and stop treating you like something less than human.
is this something you're willing to live with for the rest of your life? i realize that having a child with her makes it a bit more complicated, but you know that (based on your past, you obvioulsy know that). is it worth it? i'd be afraid to allow my kid to stay with her, she's not going to treat that kid any differently than she's treating you. leave her, file for full custody of your kid. you do not want your kid being messed up because of your current wife's ways.
my personal experience - i grew up in a household where my mom was something like your wife (although your wife is a more extreme version of my mom i admit, but that just makes me beleive that your situation must be far more miserable). it was hell, i wanted my parents to divorce and i wanted to live with my dad. to this day i still feel the effects. you do not want this for your kid.
in my personal relationship. i was a bitch, am sure i still am at times. the difference is that i was aware enough of the situation to know i was making him miserable, i knew i was cutting into my husband without good reason, i knew i was making this house miserable, and for no good reason at all. i sought help, tried to change, and did. it's not easy to change your ways, it takes a lot of hard effort and work, but it can be done - in most cases. your wife does not WANT to change, therefore she won't. get out now. if i had stayed as i was i would have EXPECTED my husband to leave me. what really led me to therapy was knowing the pain i was causing him, i couldn't live with myself, but without therapy, i wasn't able to change my horrible behaviour on my own. i still slip up, part of it is extreme insecurity, but overall, we are far far far happier.
anyway, good luck to you, that's just my 2 cents.- Re: you are clearly not the problem Autumn
20 y
2,232
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This is a reply to # 669,447Oh my land o' goshen...
Reading all that was so stressful, now I want some of that cake. What kind was it? Sounds like nobody had time to eat any of it with all this going on.
Seriously, gee...
I can not even imagine what is going on for your wife. Obviously some super vigilant responses around safety for the baby, glass and germs and all, but... sounds like she is in some way kinda pain there.
Back to you, since you're the one writing in.
It's hard to predict the best solution for this, but whatever the future looks like, I truly hope that you can take the best possible care of yourself first. This sounds trite and pat, but really: Dad, being a hero and bringing home fancier bacon isn't gonna make her happy for long. I don't want to hear any more times about you driving 40 miles at dawn to pick up maraschino cherries. Don't you make me shake my finger and look at you funny over my hornrims.
For the day to day, I hope you can get a regular bedtime and make sure that you and your kid get your sleep first. (Thank heavens you and your child have a good rapport.) For your own sake, bring some good hearty food to those late shifts so you're not coming home all hungry.
Do you have rational adults to talk to? I don't mean ordinary venting, but really balanced people with some wisdom? Al-Anon sponsor, minister, somebody.
We have plenty of proof now that your wife is upset. So maybe the next thing is to pay a little less attention to sharp words or moods or festive nightwear; it might mean you're too busy packing yourself meatball heroes for the office. Or whatever.
That doesn't mean you're supposed to do nothing to change things! But whatever the changes, I suspect that one first step is to store up some equanimity for yourself so you're not fainting from stress. Let us know how you do with that.
Sorry about this, keep letting us know how you are.
Autumn- Re: you are clearly not the problem #42781
20 y
2,369
This is a reply to # 669,453Advertisement
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Autumn,
You've managed to put a smile on my face - more then once! :-)
If just reading this makes you stressed, how is it for me, I wonder? :-) So often we see people suffer and they don't realize it... maybe I am in the same situation...
"Super vigilant" - nice way to put it. Funny thing is I was never really too sure if she was joking or not with those things. For instance, every time she would either cut herself or even just have a minor scratch, I could see her upset, but didn't know that she would be upset because she was afraid of blood poisoning. Almost every time she would ask me - "Should I get a tetanus shot?". Once she did have a bad cut and she did get the shot, so now she's safe for at least 10 yrs, but she still asks that same question every time she gets even the most minor type of injury - like her toenail growing a bit into the skin and causing a little injury... I always answer with humor (like "wait 24hrs, and if you don't die, you don't need the shot!"), and always thought that she was kinda joking too... but maybe she was only hiding her paranoia. The other day she found out that tetanus can start even 72hrs after the injury, and once before when she was thinking of getting the shot and I told her that since 24hrs has passed, she should be fine, so she didn't get the shot. But now that she found out it's more like 72hrs, she got upset about that one time from years ago! So I again made a joke saying "Well, it seems that you are living on borrowed time now!". She laughed at first, but was still nervous... I always thought that humor was the best way to fight fear.
Thinking of myself is the best advice I could get. So true. And the cake is almost gone - nothing like sweets to quench ones thirst for love.
"Do you have rational adults to talk to? I don't mean ordinary venting, but really balanced people with some wisdom? Al-Anon sponsor, minister, somebody."
No, not really. That's a problem. That's also the reason why I am writing here, and to be honest, I've never met a group of more intelligent and more caring people then you! This site, as much as it may sound cheap, really made a difference for me. It is really REALLY rare to find someone like yourself around. I mean, if I was to talk to my friends about all this, the best they could do would be to be politically correct about the whole thing, you know like "Oh, she's just exhausted from the baby..." or "well, you know it takes two to tango... and you know that whatever you see in the other person must be in you too!". I do have one person who is a healer and quite wise, but even he is mostly politically correct. I guess no one want's a "responsibility" of making someone divorce his wife, not realizing that whatever advice I get, what I do can only be my own decision and no one elses. I ask for advice, and love to hear it, but I don't ask people to take responsibility for my life. However too many people do, so no one wants that imaginary responsibility.
She is also petrified of other people finding out about anything that has to do with her or me. She even picks friends based on whether they keep secrets or not. I appreciate that, but some (if not most!) of those people who can keep a secret are not really good for much else if you know what I mean.
There are still a couple of things left to try: EFT which I am only starting to read about (not much time these days with the baby and all), and prayer which I have used before. Ultimately, it still is all up to her how she will behave.
What is really strange for me is that I am really good at motivating people and rarely fail to do so. Only the most stubborn and pessimistic and lazy individuals fail to be inspired when I try to stir their interest and help them achieve their goal (in a way it is part of my job, although I am not at all any kind of "motivational speaker" - just someone who needs to get the most out of a team of people). So I've used every possible way of trying to inspire my wife to get better. She either totaly misinterprets what I say, or worse - resposnds to a minor detail that was not the point of conversation. Or if she gets inspired it is short lived.
Just yesterday I compared something which is not a big deal for her, but is for me, to people smoking cigarettes around their children (which she can't stand seeing); smoking is no big deal in their vise, so that's why they do it even with kids aroung, and what my wife does is also not a big deal to her, so that's why she does it (both are desinsitized to the issue and cannot therefore see it as an issue at all). She responded that those people who do the same thing she does, they usually don't smoke cigarettes!!! What does that have to do with anything??? This kind of response totally upsets me - it's like she is screwing with me, or trying to upset me, although her answer seems genuine and I can't tell if she does this on purpose or not. So then I'd say "OK, how about you try and listen to me - I mean show some respect to the fact that I am putting a lot of energy into this conversation and not just listen to every 5th word...?" so then I repeated it and she got it... I think...
whew, just writing this made me upset and tired.
- Re: you are clearly not the problem Autumn
20 y
2,218
This is a reply to # 669,459Well, it's a handful all right!
And certainly, my little ideas about housekeeping and routines and all, it is not to minimize the extent of the problem. It's just that whatever decisions have to made, it might be easier to make them if everyone has enough sleep and some steady burning energy from a balanced meal. I realize that's only a little piece of the solution, but often it's the first piece.
Also, the holidays are coming up, and peace on earth begins with us.
That tends to be an elated exciting time with some amount of built-in letdown, but we can see that coming and make plans for it. I'm really hoping that you have a minute to plan ahead and think of some ways to make it a very low-impact holiday. Skip the malls and shopping, and make popcorn and drive around to look at lights or something.
I was praying for you folks yesterday, and will pay attention to your posts and whatever solutions you've found, to take some steady care of yourself.
Very best wishes,
Autumn
- Re: you are clearly not the problem Autumn
20 y
2,218
- Re: you are clearly not the problem #42781
20 y
2,369
- Re: you are clearly not the problem #42781
20 y
2,342
This is a reply to # 669,44728811,
I first thought you were a man (not saying this in a disrespectful way at all)!
It helps a great deal to get a woman's perspective here - especially someone like you. And a few of you, have been really helpfull with sharing your experiences and above all - showing that it IS possible to want to change, and finally - change! That's also what I've been believing all these years, but she's proven me wrong... the essential ingredient obviously being - where does the will to change come from. Few women who answered here, all changed because they initiated the change, not because their husbands asked them to. That seems to be the night/day difference.
What is making this whole thing even worse for me is that divorce would, I am afraid, mean our baby would be less happy. I LOVE my child, probably the way that a lot of mothers wish their husbands love their kids. And I have a hard time imagining that she would grow up with one parent only. OTOH, if you are saying that you wished your parents would divorce, then that does say a lot - a good divorce is better then a lousy marriage.
One thing about her is that she is pretty good with children. She even worked with them and she was their absolute favorite. She only had one slip when she criticized a child and told me later how she felt terrible after that. It was probably the only time she slipped like that. However, I don't work with her, so maybe she's not aware of her other problems. But, at least I do know she was their favorite.
Even if I start a divorce soon, it would last long enough to know how she is with our child. The only problem is I have no clue how she would react if I was to get a lawyer and start the procedure. I won't rush into this, but I admit that this has been on my mind for a long time now.
I imagine that she would go angry like never before, probably storm out of the house or something like that, then not talk to me for a while, then a week or two later she would probably break down in tears and tell me that she always wanted to appologize and that she knows that she's been bad to me , and that she will do whatever it takes to correct the problem... I think once or twice that I got really angry and was pretty much ready to leave, she reacted in similar fashion. Since there was no real change, why would she change this time?
I hate to think that I am one of those husbands who is "trying to change his wife". This is another reason why I am writing here - you don't know me therefore you won't spare me if you see that I am screwing up. But, is making a demand to be treated with respect the same as "trying to change your partner"? I mean, it's not like I expect her to start loving the same food I love, or listening to same music I listen to...
In any case, I appreciate your response, it means a lot, and above all - shows that change is possible. If one wants to change that is.
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- Re: you are clearly not the problem #37831
20 y
2,296
This is a reply to # 669,457
Firstly I want to tell you that I am really sorry for the trouble and stress you have to go through. It clearly isnt fair for you. Your wife is obviously in some kind of pain, something is troubeling her and causing emotions that get out of hand. I'm sure she isnt a vicious person and there MUST be reasons for her behaviour, whether they are rational or not. Maybe you should try marriage counseling (they usually have very simple tricks of improving the communication- so if she felt more understood maybe the anger would go) - if she refuses to get help who keeps you from getting it? This isnt saying that you are the problem but a conflictual relationship always involves two people and maybe you can get useful insights of what is going wrong. I have to say this: you seem like a very loving person and the way you speak about her it seems you still love her in a way. When you leave this relationship (which might be an option) you have to know that you will also leave a life with your child. Even if you get access rights and every other weekend and so on...there will be so much you will miss. Especially when new partners come into the equation and there will be a "new" daddy and a new "sibling". My boyfriend is going through this right now with his daughter and every holiday, every christmas, every birthday is a discussion. No matter how good you solve it, it will not be the same than being a family especially when you still have feelings. I'm saying, before you choose to leave (which you would have every right to) think well if there is anything else you can do to help your wife with her problems.- Re: you are clearly not the problem #42781
20 y
2,393
This is a reply to # 669,458what you're saying is so true. That's why I want to make sure that really all possible solutions have been tried.
Interestinlgy, one of my friends divorced his wife and only then did she go for counselling; she improved over the years and they are back together and much happier!
- Re: you are clearly not the problem #42781
20 y
2,393
- hey there 42781 #28811
20 y
2,286
This is a reply to # 669,457i don't care that you thought i was a man, funny actually :)
my personal opinion is that if your wife does not want to change and is unwilling to put for the effort to change, she's never going to. this has to come from her, not you.
well, you did write that your wife is good with kids, there's something to be said for that, maybe then she wouldn't treat your kid as my mom treated me - with the same mood swings and anger that she treated my dad. it's really hard for a kid to deal with that, it took me years to figure out that it wasn't normal and that i was okay.
but that being said, my mom is also great with kids, kids from the neighborhood come to her house all the time. for whatever reason, she's a lot more accepting of them since they're not her own. i can't figure this one out. maybe that's something you should watch for in your wife just to be sure. another thing i want to point out about my parents is that (for religious reasons i am sure) they are still married after 27 years, and my dad is still miserable! i don't know if it's worth it, i have never walked a mile in his shoes so to speak, but what is worse than wasting 10 years of your life? wasting another day.
well, your wife sounds like she does have some remorse, but remorse doesn't change things, remorse doesn't fix the misery, remorse doesn't mean that she's ever going to stop this. you said yourself... why would she change this time? i have no idea... does any part of you think that she will change? if so, maybe it would be good for you to stick around and find out and help her, but if not... well, i wouldn't waste another second of my time on this. she needs serious help, not just a self help book. she has demonstrated this over and over again.
no, making the demand to be treated with respect is not the same as trying to change your partner. demanding that she stop the abuse - and yes, it is clearly abuse, whether the abuser (your wife) sees her behaviour as that or not - is something that must happen. no one, no matter what the circumstances, deserves to be treated so poorly.
well, i've gone on enough again, i hope that you will figure out what it is that you need to do! best of luck to you, and i hope you'll find happiness in your future!Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Re: you are clearly not the problem #37831
20 y
2,296
- Re: you are clearly not the problem #17163
20 y
2,068
This is a reply to # 669,447Im curious, what do you think is the cause of this type of behaviour? How did you solve it?
- Re: you are clearly not the problem Autumn
20 y
2,232
- Re: Where should she start from? #42781
20 y
2,394
This is a reply to # 669,443Now, I've read all the replies and one thing that came up in my mind while reading is that she has numerous problems that are related. It's like a bad web of troubles.
I will try to make a "list" here, and maybe you can try and tell me what is the most basic thing, or where to start from:
She is definitiely fobic, and primarily from people - #1 would be "What others are going to think". That's why she'd never be open to anyone about any troubles, because she is afraid that they will think she's crazy or something, or that they will talk behind her back. This may grow into paranoia, I don't know... for now it doesn't seem to be that bad, or at least if it is, she's hiding it well.
She can't concetrate to save her life. She had a moment when on a highway she's thinking wether to go on the ramp or continue straight, and meanwhile she's going for tha middle of the road which is the median barrier between the two. She is not always like that, but if she gets into her "script" she is totaly like that. I was very upset after the episode and told her that if ever in doubt, go straight, rather then kill me and her while thinking.
She can't make a decision. She lacks trust so much that she doesn't trust her own judgment or decisions. She cooks really well, so there she can make decisions and she is quite sure of them. I can't make her apply the same thing outside of the kitchen. It seems that her parents allowed her only to cook and get fat (they even told her that she will be fat when she grows up - poisonous people...). If I explain to her why something is OK or even beneficial, she is still going to doubt it. She is a master doubter. Her parents obviosly played a crucial role there.
She can't relax. She is always tense, and can't enjoy sex because of it. If she is relaxed, it will only last until the first doubt pops up in her mind, which is just around the corner - usually a few seconds or a minute away. Alcohol helps in that respect, but I don't want her to become an alcoholic so I don't support her in it. I also don't drink at all, not even a drop, so even if she has a drink, she's alone in it.
She loves escapes of all kinds - a way for her to be let out of her own prison. Vacations, outings, dinners in fancy restaurants, shopping, brainless TV shows (there are good ones on TV too, but she chooses the brainless ones - Oprah being the most intelligent one, and most of the time I like Oprah too; the rest, I can't even watch they are that stupid; she doesn't watch Discovery or National Geographic).
She never starts a meaningfull conversation - the one that would help us solve our problems. She would do everything to hide them, and put on a brave face and leave a good impression. She does it automatically, without really planning it or thinking too much about it.
She never really thinks about how I feel, she is too absorbed in her own fears, troubles, fobias, and mostly "What ifs". She even admitted a few times that "what ifs" take most of her energy. If she does think about feelings, it is her own that occupy her - how she was hurt by me (her impression which she is sure about - like the episode from last week, she is 100% sure it was all my fault). I don't think she ever thought something like "what am I doing to my husband?" not because she hates me, more because that dimension of thinking doesn't exist in her mind. She never saw an example. My example she takes or granted and thinks that she is just as receptive.
She doesn't have a well developed Adult part of her ego. In most situations where there is some challenge, she doesn't know what to do. Since she is afraid of making decisions, and doesn't trust any decisions, and also suffers from what-ifs, she normally doesn't do anything, but asks me. I try to inspire her to come up with her own answer, but even if she does, she doesn't trust it (herself that is). So all the little challenges are big challenges for her. Big ones are horror story though.
She can't read books, although she read a few that interested her. I don't know what to make of this - that she doesn't want to grow, only escape into spiritualism that she reads (not much though - she read only a few books). SHe used to write when she was a kid, but her parents thretened her that they won't let her win the competition where she was the favorite... and she was also forced always to do things against her will, so she is stubborn - I think that the best way to prevent her to read a book is to recommend it to her.
She watches films, but rarely does she draw a conclusion from them. Never any parallels with herself.
She can't have a rational argument without raising her voice and getting angry. She is super quick to get angry.
I see her as a tortured soul who is good somewhere deep down (but, then, aren't we all?), and there is a place in her soul, deep down which is hurting her like hell. That's where all this stuff comes from. She doesn't want to deal with it, as it hurts too much.
She can't keep to her promises. She is overpowered by her emotions.
She is very needy, not independent at all, likes to be taken care of.
Any ides where to start from? What is the base problem? Is it still that she herself has to show interest in getting better, before anything else can happen?
- Re: Where should she start from? #37831
20 y
2,277
This is a reply to # 669,461really to make a claim about the "base" problem would require a psychologist but I can tell you what picture I get from the information you give. The issues I see involve trust (herself and others), insecurity (which is related to trust) and denial (she keeps her own little world up at all cost). Loosing her outlook on how things are and how she is might be such a thread to her that she will do anything to hold on to it even if it means pretending everything is great. This means you have to be careful because if you tear her little world down, you might be the biggest threat. But she obviously has a very negative self imageand part of it comes from her childhood. So what can you do? If I were you i would seek advice from a proffessional who could help you as to what you can do to make her more secure and to trust in herself and you. Only if she looses these issues with herself can she be relaxed and happy with you. I think you can sort of see that the way she treats you is a mirror of how she is with herself. You are probably the only blessing (and your baby)that this women has - she just cant see it. I hope she doesnt loose you - you seem a great husband and she can be lucky to have someone so concerned about her. But as much as I say you should try to get help for her sake...dont make it an endless battle and go for your own sake when you need to. Good luck with this!
- yes, parents can ruin their children #28811
20 y
2,261
This is a reply to # 669,461Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
and your wife's parents obviously ruined her emotional well-being. i don't know if she's had other problems in her life, but it sounds like the problems with her parents have affected her very deeply.
she may have all these insecurities and problems because she was never allowed to express herself and be who she was, find out who she is, and be that person. sounds like she tried on a few occasions, but her parents crushed her. it is no wonder she is how she is.
as an adult, you can logically think about your childhood, understand it, know what went wrong and what needs to be changed, but doing that is a completely different thing, it's extremely difficult.
like is said before, she needs serious help, but she needs to want the help first.. i'm so sorry for your situation, i can't imagine how difficult it is.
you are so kind for having the sympathy for her that you do, and you want to help her, you love her... but don't let this be your life. we all feel responsibility for other human beings at some time in your life, but you can't let the responsibility you have to yourself be pushed to the back burner. i guess i would give her an ultimatum, and stick with it. if she's that unwilling to try to change, and she really can't see that she has a problem, then she's never going to get the help herself, you're going to have to push her, if you think it's worth another shot. without this, my opinion is that next year, the year after, and all the years to come, you're going to be dealing with the same thing. it's all a matter of what you can take. best of luck to you. (and of course, all of this is my opinions.. but i draw a lot of it from my childhood and the way i see my parents interacting with eachother now)- one more thing #28811
20 y
2,197
This is a reply to # 669,466does your wife act this way in front of your baby now? she sounds like she has not much control. i worry about your child, whether your wife directs her hate at your kid later in life or not, your kid is still going to see her doing this to you. this could be very dangerous behaviour for your child to watch and LEARN. she may see how calm and logical, and understanding and kind you are, but you're still with your wife, and you're still going to be putting up with it (assuming nothing changes, hopefully things will) therefore she's most likely going to think that the way she treats you is okay too. it's not. just my 2 cents.
- Re: one more thing #42781
20 y
2,254
This is a reply to # 669,467I am very carefull about this, so far she hasn't acted badly in front of the child. Or at least I haven't noticed?
- Re: one more thing #28811
20 y
2,272
This is a reply to # 669,501you did say that she started berating you for sitting on the edge of the baby blanket, while the baby was laying there, correct? if that is the case, then she's definitely not holding back while you two are in front of the baby. maybe she thinks that the baby doesn't know, so who cares? maybe not, but if that's her plan for now i can't imagine that she's going to stop berating you in front of your child as your child ages. when your child is 2 or 3 years old your kid will probably start to get it... or at least start to feel the effects of it. i'm not there though, so i don't really know what is happening! when your kid learns to talk, and voice her own opinion check on the way your wife reacts to your kid, see if she's loving and accepting or if she makes your child feel as though she is stupid and wrong to be a certain way or think a certain way. i think you won't really know until the kid is older. if she's bitching at you in front of the kid now i'd be a little worried thoughAdvertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Re: one more thing #42781
20 y
2,294
This is a reply to # 669,504I think you're right. What's more important, it seems that I've become desinsitized to her outbursts... which is not good. Although I kinda hope that this early (baby is only a few months old) this doesn't affect the baby.
But as you say, I will watch how things go from here as every day baby can and will absorb more from the environment, even if stuff is not directed at the baby.
- Re: one more thing #42781
20 y
2,294
- Re: one more thing #28811
20 y
2,272
- Re: one more thing #42781
20 y
2,254
- one more thing #28811
20 y
2,197
- Re: Where should she start from? Autumn
20 y
2,224
This is a reply to # 669,461Hi again!
Gee, I hope that with all that is going on in your life, and with what people have shared, there is a suggestion here that has made sense for you. Have any of them helped you so far?
How's the headway on your taking care of yourself? We're pretty good at supporting that; that's our job around Cure Zone!
Blessings, listening,
A- Re: Where should she start from? #42781
20 y
2,305
This is a reply to # 669,482hey Autumn,
Great to see you again. "Taking better care of myself" is better, although not how I'd like it to be. Baby is not sleeping so even if I sleep in a separate room, I still hear the crying (during night my wife is taking care of the baby). Baby's pretty good with sleeping, she sleeps long stretches, but it takes forever for her to fall asleep in the first place - usually it is not before 2am or even 4am...
I had a few long talks with my wife recently. I actually told her that I consulted some well meaning people (telling her that was a BIG risk!) and they all agreed that something was wrong with her. Fortunately it had an effect. For the first time she seemed trully humbled. It probably helped that most of the people who responded were women, so there is no male chauvinism going on. I didn't let her read it, I only mentioned some of the comments, probably the most interesting one from the woman who said "I was the same" and who gave a wonderful point of view. Yours and her advice was most helpful.
It was also interesting for me to see how some of these troubles "work". Some of the things she told me I heard for the first time in my life. For instance she would feel angry that we don't have sex. I explained to her that we don't have it because she is not into it, not because I don't want to have it. Just that for me sex is either real, or it's not sex, while for her, it doesn't really matter, sex is more of a proof that she's OK and the quality of it doesn't matter. So she listened, and understood, and then I ask her how she felt. Get this: she said that for the first time she'd be honest with me and admit that while we are talking, it all makes sense, but at the end, just as she needs to "absorb it" she says she just feels like "No, that's not true actually" and goes right back to the begining. So I compared some of her feelings to her childhood feelings, and she agreed, and said that she can refer to that in those moments when she actively concentrates on her childhood, but as soon as she's out of it, again she figures "no, he's full of crap".
Two good things about that: first an interesting lesson in psychology, I never though that was possible; second: this was the first time she was honest about that problem.
Today she told me that she is trying to think of those childhood experiences whenever she feels something is not right (she easily gets angered). And in those moments when she finds the true source of those negative feelings, they go away. My guess is that this is good. But she is usually not persistent, so we'll see...
And just as things seemed to be turning for the better, today we went out with the baby to a shopping mall, and I had to go back to our car to leave something there, and we just agree to meet in front of a food store, and I come back and she's not there. I go back to where we separated, and she's not there either. (Neither is our baby who was with her.) So I look inside that store (which is HUGE) and nothing. Then I go allover that mall, spend 15 min looking for her and still nothing. Just as I was ready to go to the info desk to try to page her, I notice her in that food store. All this wouldn't be so bad hadn't it been for the fact that she did that to me many times before ("we'll meet here in 5 min" or "wait right here" and she's not there), and almost always in a foreign country, and I really freaked out a few times. I told her that if she really gets in trouble, I won't be able to know if she really was in trouble or if she was just being irresponsible again. To make things worse, she didn't have her Cell Phone on her - I think because the battery is bad.
She promised not to do this ever again a few months ago, but here, the first chance she gets, she does it. She has that special nack for screwing up good moments. As if she hates being happy. What puzzles me is that I really don't see anything coming before she does it; she was actually quite happy and in a good mood, and only when I saw her from distance did she make a face like "oh-oh" - probably when she saw expression on my face which was more like "what's going on here?". So after promising and understanding how important it is not to ruin one's day with just dissappearing like that, she does it anyway. So I got really mad, and just said that I wasn't in the mood for anything any more and drove us all home. I felt like an idiot looking for her all over the place in that mall for 15 minutes, and she is not a moron not to know how to stand in one place and wait some 2 minutes (I parked right next to that entrance and was back in about 90 seconds).
So that's how things are going. BTW, she did appologize, I told her not to, as her appologies mean shit really, they only add insult to injury, like "I'll do it again even though I promise otherwise". She left a nice message on my computer and was really nice after that, which all means zilch, but one thing that did strike me was that she was sad when she said that she realized after today's episode that every time things are going well, she does something really really stupid. Well, I didn't say that, she did, without my help. That's a first...
Somehow I am still optimistic. A few new things have happened: first it did hit her that some other people think that she's screwing up big time; then she did manage to honestly admit that she has a hard time not taking out her negativities on someone else, even after she realizes that those negative emotions come from her parents; and lastly for the first time she recognized that she "needs" to ruin a good day.
XOXO
Expand 27 messages, 21 to 47 of 47 #28811
20 y
2,272
- Re: Where should she start from? #42781
20 y
2,305
- Re: Where should she start from? #37831
20 y
2,277
- Re: What would you do - part II #42781
20 y
2,406
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