Day Two by lauray Blog entry

Blog: Lauray
by lauray

Day Two

I can't believe in fasting longer than 60 hours any more. Help!

Date: 9/16/2007 12:36:39 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2990 times

I have horrible feelings of bleakness today and boredom. It is sunny, and the brightness just feels oppressive. I feel like I do not have anything. I just feel so empty. I got a shaming post here that is really upsetting to me. The post said people on the forum were trying to help me but in fact these people were doing no such thing, only taking out their aggressions on me and beating me up for even wanting to fast. It is so not OK with me to get comments like this. I am horrified. What planet is this person on? All responses from others have said that the forum was clearly insane and very abusive. ... The loss of the water fast support forum was a terrible trauma in my life. It was so totally unjustified and groundless.
I have wanted to write and post just a statement about why these people are dangerous, clinging to food addiction as they are, the people on the forum, I mean. And why they are so destructive to me. But I have not done this. I think I will at some point. I really think this is necessary since they are all endangering their health and the health of others with their sick ideas. Basically they think fasting is "dangerous."

Comments like this post I got here just come from people who don't have tolerance for another person's being in pain or having feelings. This intolerance is epidemic, it seems. I never am helped by lectures like this. I want to be positive about myself, not intolerant of my difficulties.

I need to affirm positive things about my life and about fasting.

I need to get through the day.
I got up and on advice I read ona forum drank a lot of water... and got really sick. It was a combination anxiety-attack, headache, dizzy-weak feeling. it has passed. I

I WANT TO BE POSITIVE. I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE IT PAST THE FIRST THREE DAYS.
I so wish I could envision fasting past Day 2 1/2/3.

One thing I am doing is recording my feelings and writing affirmations every 2 hours all day. I am a bit behind but I can catch up.

This morning when I tried to do this I just was so sour and could not feel positive about fasting at all. I got exhausted and overwhelmed by emotional distress as I tried to do this. It was as though I was putting too much pressure on myself.

It is very difficult to confess things like this since I so often get toxic reactions -- people trying to suppress me, telling me don't fast, when I need to fast above all -- people trying to deny me and deny reality by tellign me nothing is wrogn with me and I need to 'ease up on myself' -- when I need above all to be ULTRA-disciplined. This reaction is terrifying to me. It is a horror. People telling me nothing is the matter, when I am in horrible pain and so in need of discipline. THis is the most frustrating horrifying possibly the most damaging response anyone could make about me -- that nothing is wrong and i shoudl shut up and abandon discipline and not fast .... I am so terrified that I will never get well. It is SO upsetting when these creeps deny my need for fastign and discipline.

I have possibilities for social interaction today. But I am afraid to do anything, really. I need something against boredom. But I can't get up or find anything. I am paralyzed in fear.

The only, last thing I want to post right now is that I am scared about something: a general sense of having been very hard on my body in the past two or so days. I have not posted this here, but I actually ate the extremely toxic "sugar free" froz. yogurt 2 days in a row... thinking each time "this is the beginnign of my fast." But the first time I just felt so bad after the yogurt I decided I would have to start the fast the next day, after eating something "stabilizing." But then the next day I ate the fro yo again, a quart and a half of it this time -- this was Friday -- and almost had to go tot he psych emergency room, my depression was so violent and terrifying. I felt at the end of the bout of reaction-symptoms just scarily numb, as though I had ben beaten into a state of unconsciousness, unfeeling. Saturday (yesterday ) I started the fast for real. But I could not stop myself from doign so with a 950 cal. meal. After the battering of the fro. yo. on Friday (it was probably mostly the caffeine in it but still.) The 950 cal meal ... it was a blow, too. But that WAS officially the beginning fo my fast. This began it for real. Then Sat. I drove and met my rock-climbign partner but it was too wet to climb so we jsut had a walk in the woods. Then I drove home. But I still feel battered. I feel beaten up and scared and weak.

OKAY! WHat I really need to write about is how to last past the first three days. I immediately start to want to sign off as I open this subject.

I have been making some effort to affirm a fast of several days. I can with some power say to myself, "Of course I am fasting 14 days." or "Of course I am fasting 8 days."

I am so unwilling even to wriet about this. I just want to curl up and slip back into the fast of 60 hours, 6 hours longer than my last fast, on the agonizing way to creatinga longer fast gradually.

No.... I want to fast longer. I so wish I could contact the part of myself that wants to fast longer.

One good thing is I feel confident about telling certain of my new friends that I am fasting now. The revealing of this to others is an enormously complex and fraught process. The telling of others is terrifying, and can be so damaging,and is something I so tense up while doing that no real communication or intimacy is even possible -- just the dead exchange of information. My feelings are so unaccepted by people. i wish I were with gentler people. I do not know how to find them.

HOW CAN I FAST LONGER??? HOW CAN I FAST LONGER?
Maybe I will come back to this post later. I want to remind myself only to read my fasting books and keep affirming fasting and keep logging every 2 hours. I should log every 2 hours on line. Maybe in 2 weeks after I move and I have my own internet -- if indeed I do have that -- I will be able to log fasts every two hours. This would make a good document. But what I really hope to do is fast 2 weeks-- not wait. And the document would only be valuable if it showed how someone conquered doubt and started out thinking she really could not do it and ended up doing it.

I feel wretched about wasting so much homework time and studio time and rehearsal time. But what am I supposed to do??? I CAN'T function if I do not learn to fast. I HATE the shame that has to be endured, not doing homework.