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So Many Emotions All At Once!
Today is day 7 w/out any alcohol
Date: 6/24/2006 2:25:30 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 4038 times I have to admit that it's probably been over two years since I've gone this long without alcohol. A couple of years ago I went 22 days w/out it, fell off the wagon, and have drank every night since then. However, this past week has been about getting real w/ this problem by being forced to share this decision w/ my family because we're postponing the wedding which was supposed to be next Saturday.
This past week I've felt two-fold about the whole thing. One side of me is pissed because I have to call all these people and frankly I just don't want to. I don't want to deal with, "well why aren't you getting married? what's up? are you guys breaking up?" and all these questions require a lengthy in-depth answer. I'm pissed because I wish he had said something to me much earlier where I could have intercepted a lot of what I have to go back and clean up now where the wedding is concerned. I'm pissed because I feel like I'm being looked at as a leapor, a failure, an addict, weak and useless. Of course these adjectives I erroneously make up in my head and I do know they're invalid from a logical perspective. But logic doesn't always make it's way into our emotional state. Nonetheless, these are some of the emotions I feel.
Conversely, I also feel relieved, rejuvenated, & full of energy. David's been asking me how I feel this week. I explained to him the reasons I feel such a sense of relief. Indirectly, I've KNOWN something was going to have to give with the destructive lifestyle I was living. I've known the issue was somehow, someway going to make it's way to me in the method of a big hand across my face. Ya wanna know the truth? I now know I've actually been BEGGING for it the whole time!
So anyway I'm going to continue on. I gotta tell ya, this serious situation we've come together to address has brought us even closer as a couple. David has been so sweet, supportive, and down to earth. I can talk to him about anything and he truly sympathizes and understands everything I have to say. He tells me how proud he is of me. Additionally, I believe I've received a newfound level of respect from him with the strength of my continued abstinance he's observed. He admitted he thought I'd try to sneak behind his back which I have not. The close friends he confided in talking to about my dilemma probably warned him the outcome of his confrontation could permanently tear us apart depending on my reaction. I know so often when some sort of substance interferes between a couple, more times than not the substance prevails ultimately demolishing the relationship. People will choose the alochol or substance over their mate. I believe I've also received a hightened level of respect from those friends he did confide in too. I think they're thinking, "damn, she's strong." And that's exactly how I want to be perceived.
As I've had these personal discussions w/ my close family and friends about this issue, one of the biggest questions all of them ask is, "well, is he going to quit drinking too?" "It's not going to work properly if he doesn't." Well, just let me say that I'm fully aware of that. As a matter of fact, I'm strategically letting time pass as David continues to observe my abstinance on purpose. I'm not going to give an ultimatum to him. Its not going to come from me because I know that as he continues to talk to his confidantes, they will be the ones to address this very important fact with him. I'm sitting back and observing right now. Besides, at this time, we're working on me.
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