Queen of immediate gratification.....
Date: 6/8/2006 2:11:58 PM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 2414 times
I think the time comes in ones life as we continue to mature and grow to really reflect about our pasts, what's really going on with our present, and how that's going to play out in our future. I know this very serious reflection and thinking has been going on with me for about two years as I near my 39th birthday.
Being what I call a naive young adult post college, I didn't understand the notion of defeat or true loss. I won all the sales awards, I won all the tennis tournaments, successful with everything in my world. I was happy, naive to defeat, and on top of the world. I hit my 30's and watched my father die in front of my eyes suffering with his last breaths while my new husband was blatantly and simultaneously cheating on me. That changed my life.
The following years after these events and the divorce, I became a completely different personality. Scared, withdrawn, sad, defensive, lonely, paranoid, angry. As I sit here writing, I can't believe how dramatically I changed as a person. This led to years of indulging immediate gratification behavior...anything to comfort the pain, not even realizing what I was doing. I remember such heavy drinking to the point of having seizures. Of course it never dawned on me it was the alcohol which caused the seizures. Late night binges of partying with people I thought were my friends, but as it turned out our only common denominator was the substances we used together. Sometimes so badly I couldn't even go to work when I was still up at 8am on weeknights.
Without really knowing it, I continued to binge on the alcohol, substance, food, sex, whatever to give me what I thought was immediate relief from my subconscience beating me alive with the guilt of my ways. My God, this is no way to live, and I know that health, peace and happiness is something few people sincerely ever achieve.
I want to achieve that. I want self-esteem. I want to feel sharp and great again. I want to feel attractive. I want to be that person. And I'm going to take a REAL SERIOUS look at this with my attempts to get there. The curezone website has provided me with a whole new world I'd never been around. A wealth of information, support, and inspiration locked within the forums.
This begins my journey to achieve. And to you out there, I also wish all the health, happiness and peace you so much deserve. Let's do this together!!!
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